Seems these days I vacillate between two extremely different mindsets... the first is – I have unlimited options. I can do anything. I've been given the opportunity to dream huge! The second is – I have no options at all.
Visited another church this past Sunday. Been to three churches now. Naturally, I compare them to Fellowship which is very strong at so many things. Not a fair comparison. The first two churches had a lot of really great things about them. The most recent one was not a good fit. So hard not to have a critical mind and spirit. There was still good to be gleaned from it. As I sat in the church service I wondered... could I help birth something that would really be more what God intended for the church? I do know what it's not supposed to look like.
One option... start something new. This is a thought that's been under the surface for awhile. I've shared it with a few people, but I'm very reluctant to actually put it out there to the masses. Maybe start something like a church? I just don't like what comes to mind when we hear the word, “church,” any more. So many churches do a lot of good things. Let's be honest though... some churches have almost everything wrong. I just want the church to be more than I've ever seen it be. Greater authenticity. True community. Family-oriented. No flash. Not about programs. Not about trying to move a group of people in a certain direction... not about getting them on board with a particular idea. Simply about loving God and loving each other (and others not a part of the church)... obviously based on the truths found in scripture. Please know that I'm not bashing any church! I can't even put to words what it is entirely that I want for the church. My good friend today (who shares the same vision) described it with the word, “Different.” I think that best sums it up.
Another option... sell the house and everything else we own... maybe cash in on what I have in retirement (yes, I'm aware of the penalties). Maybe move away, Lord-willing temporarily, for a season of training and learning. Got a few ideas of where this might be, but don't even have that narrowed down.
Option three... find a job in a church... a place that has a similar vision. Have not heard back from the last church I spoke to... not sure if they're interested in continuing the interview process with me. I'm definitely interested in getting to know them more. Just have not heard if this is part of God's plan yet or not...
Option four... something completely different and unexpected.
Option five... take anything I can find. Don't take this one as desperation. I do rest knowing that I'm a pastor. That's what God's called me to be. I'll be a pastor doing whatever it is I “get to” do. Just have no idea what that might be.
At times I feel like my options are unlimited. At other times I feel like I don't have any options at all.
Today I've felt the urge to simply choose an option and go for it with all I've got... if I don't feel like God's leading me down one more than another soon, I'll definitely pick the one I sense is right. Something feels like I'm throwing all of my cards up in the air, but I expect them to land in a perfect card house. That'd be nice.
Started this entry earlier in the day... decided to finish it. Feels pretty vulnerable to put out there. However, what's typed before isn't where my heart is right now. My heart is struggling for my bride. Kel's heart and body are so depleted right now. She's tired... and deeply struggling. I think she feels defeated in many ways. Not saying anything she wouldn't approve of (I don't think)... just wanted to mention that for the sake of prayer for my sweet wife.
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