copy cat

This is a term I would use to describe me (Kelly) most of my life.  I am sad about it.  It has brought many unpleasant consequences. 

It is not new information that I am a woman that struggles with insecurity.  I am making snails progress towards something greater, but today it lingers.  Fear is at  the root of my insecurities.

It started early for me...I believed the lie that I wasn't super bright as a child...that mixed with laziness left me with choices...I chose to copy...cheat...steal...

Grades on this old report card don't do justice to my "mad cheating" skills...they developed as I was busily flushing my character down the toilet.  Today,  ironically, I'm a home school mom and Good Pastors wife.... paying the price and  lamenting my bad choices.

As I grew, I wrestled with identity.  Growing up in any school is hard.  Attending Farragut High reminded me of all the ways I didn't add up...so I did my best to copy....appearances this time.

Thank you, God for low-resolution photos....churning something gross out of my mouth...where are my truth speaking friends?????  Someone tell this girl that less is more....she was too busy trying to be a copy cat...trying to fit in....trying to find something to offer...believe it or not, this look was sorta in style then...yikes!

Today, the Spirit has been gently reminding me of the ways that I have settled to be a copy....a version that is less than what the Creator originally intended.  I think some of this true for the church as well.   I am broken over it, and  I am inspired more than ever to join Good Pastors fight for the bride...me and the church.  I long to see God's heart for the church.  I long for Daddys to teach their children and wives and not settle....I long for them to lead.    I long to live in community with the body.  A body that is a mix of sweetly broken individuals...young...old...tattered...torn...full of life and yes...even the fume-filled.  I don't need more of me...I need less.  I need sandpaper....not real fun, not real flashy, not real easy....but real none the less.  I don't think I have any amazing ideas...remember....I copy by nature...but I do belive the One that created the church has strong desires on this subject and we're  diggin' around here.

I can tell you as we press on into faith-walking....I am feeling a bit lonely.  I am aware that the world, the church and even our own family may not understand...how I long for man's approval...some days feel quite dark...I am thankful that I am not in charge of keeping the light burning.....I CANNOT DO THIS FOR MYSELF....I simply cannot....it's not in me...but He is!
                                                  

Our house is not without tears....today they are flowing a little more freely.  I am thankful that this shows my heart is freed up to feel more than it has in the past.  I do receive it as a gift even though it hurts.  I had sweet time in worship and remembering.  The words of a particular song sums up a part of what I am trying to communicate, here are a few...."Though the world sees and soon forgets we will not forget who YOU are what YOU"VE done for us.......Where YOU go I"ll go...what you say, I say, God....what YOU pray, I pray." 

Those are things I want to copy....I want to copy Jesus...He only spoke and did what was of the Father's heart.   He was about His Daddy's business.  This is worthy of my greatest study and imitation.  I pray I can lay down old ways of copying.  It will be hard.  I am thankful for eyes to see.  Praying for faith to believe and fruit that shows His likeness in me.

Just for fun I thought of two other people that I would like to imitate more as they remind me of the character of God...

Through very hard packaging...Charli's story reminds me to be a hope bringer and to remember that joy will ALWAYS come and.... 

This beautiful woman so teaches me to serve, to love others in a way that costs me, to share,  to play hard and to fight for and beside the ones you love.... she is a life giver... a rich rich joy giver...oh, how I pray that one day my own daughters will see the beauty in me the way I see it in  my mommy

Even as I type this blog I am seeing the joys of being me...thankful....but also noticing that being a copy cat isn't always a bad thing...it really just comes down to who you are copying!