Lions and Bears

I went to the Lost Sea yesterday.  Before you dismiss the Lost Sea… let me just tell you it’s awesome.  Don’t throw it into the category of the air-brushed tanktop connotation you’d give Pigeon Forge.  Although those are entertaining… like a good mullet, they’re made for a different breed.  The Lost Sea is cool for anyone.  Just the name of the place brings up almost forgotten childhood memories…  If you didn’t grow up in Knoxville, you might not have a clue what the Lost Sea is.  It’s this HUGE network of underground caves and caverns.  Our tour was at least an hour, and we didn’t cover it all.  They have an amazing underground lake, and you get to ride in a glass-bottomed boat.  There are huge rainbow trout that swim right alongside the boat.  My 3 oldest  kids and my nephew loved it. 

To enter the cave you walk down this long, lighted tunnel that strongly resembles something from a sci-fi movie.  It’s weird.  There’s a whole other world underneath… just like us.  It’s a reminder to me that it’s easy to forget or to avoid looking underneath…  In the caves there are all kinds of unusual formations beneath what’s visible.  Some of these formations are beautiful.  Others seem to be kept in the dark… so much more under the surface than there is outwardly visible… some beautiful… some dark and hidden… again, like our interior lives.

As we prepared the kids for the Lost Sea, Elliott (3 years old) kept asking me if there were going to be any lions or bears in the cave.  For some reason he often asks if there are lions and bears in dark places… like our attic, inside our walls, in closets, etc.  As far as in a cave… well, it makes sense.  Caves can have dangerous animals.  Even though I had answered his question very clearly by telling him that the Lost Sea did not have any lions and bears, he repeatedly asked it.  Because I am the youngest of my siblings, something within me finds great pleasure in pestering.  After the 15^th time he asked me,

I mentioned to Elliott that I was very excited about seeing the lions and bears.  He did know that I was kidding… but he did double-check 

just in case.

It’s a little laughable.  Lions and bears.  Realized today that I have more fears than I thought.  It’s like I’ve got socially acceptable “lions and bears” that give me fear.  I really don’t think of myself as someone with much fear; however, today I became more aware of some fear that’s underneath the surface.

At 1:00pm today I had a second interview via Skype with an out of town church for a pastoral position.  My previous conversation with a pastor from this church had gone very well (from my perspective).  Still I have no idea if it’s a good fit for me… or if I’m a good fit for them, but I found myself very anxious.  When I tried to look under the surface to my nervousness, I found fear.  Although my mind knows truth, my heart believed something else. 

Something felt like this church had the power to decide if I was likeable.  They could decide if I was competent as a pastor.  It was like I had given them power to define me.  Not a good feeling.  My mind knew truth, but my feelings didn’t seem to agree with my brain.  Somehow their opinion of me seemed to be the determining factor if I was of any worth or value.  Again, I know this is not truth, but that’s how I felt.  The truth is that even if there were lions or bears… even if this church decides I’m incapable of anything good, and they hate me with greatest passion imaginable… well, none of it can destroy me.  I can have my life taken from me, but that’s all that can be done to me.  I can’t be destroyed by what people think of me… I shouldn’t function like I could be.

By the way, the interview did not happen.  I sat there waiting for quite awhile… long enough to check old email correspondence to confirm I had the right time and date.  I had written down the wrong day in my 1980’s Trapper Keeper planner.  It wasn’t my Trapper Keeper’s fault.  She makes no mistakes.  I accept full responsibility.