Authenticity?

My heart and mind have really struggled a lot today.  Seems I’m fairly volatile these days…excited and passionate in a way I’ve never experienced… then I’m feeling deeply sad a few minutes later.  That’s extremely new for me.  I used to be better described as, “steady.”  As I think through what I might share in this blog entry, I have to make sure you know the truth.  Even in my efforts to be authentic and to invite others into authenticity… well, I’m still selective in what I share.  I still get afraid to share everything.

Here goes… today is a day I would characterize as a depressed day in my life.  I said it.  I’m not qualifying it.  I’m not downplaying it or over-reporting it.  I’m not even playing it off with one of those comments that draws the attention off of myself… like, “We all have days like this.”  I just want to own that word today.  It doesn’t feel good to own it, but there is power and freedom in putting to words what we’re feeling.

I don’t seem to have motivation to return phone calls or emails… even to people that deeply love.  I’ve really stunk at this lately, and normally I’m somewhat OCD about returning messages fairly promptly.

I spent quite a bit of time today researching potential employment opportunities.  Not only do I not see anything that looks good… I don’t even see anything that I could do (how good it looks might not matter).  I usually end those times feeling so discouraged and exhausted… somewhat depleted.  Defeated is too strong of a word to use, but the connotations to the word do communicate much of what I’m feeling.

Let me stop mid-confession to share something.  I’m not baiting anyone for a pep talk.  Please do NOT give me a pep talk.  Friends with the sweetest, purest hearts offer such words, but for some reason it either bounces off my interior…, or it frustrates me.  I realize this is not their problem.  That is my issue.  I just want to get that out there.  I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want anyone to try to fix me. 

Anyways, back to the previous rambling… my mind knows that not having a job really is not that big of a deal.  Truly, in the perspective of all things, it is so insignificant.  Especially relative to some of the deep struggles and fears many of my loved ones are undergoing… it’s basically meaningless that I don’t have a job.  I know truth.  It’s what keeps me hoping and excited.  I know I’m not defined by my circumstances, but still struggling today…

As I shared with my three bigger kids some stories from Acts tonight, one thing I made special note of to the kids was when the apostles rejoiced because they were considered worthy to suffer for the name of Christ.  Shorty thought the apostles sounded a little, “Coo Coo” (to use her words).  It made for good dialogue.  Maybe I (or we) are the ones who are “coo coo?”  Or, maybe they were coo coo, and we should be too?

As for me…I know my struggling has way more to do than just a job.  Although I know that struggle really is a gift, seems it’s hard to convince my heart to be grateful for this “gift.”  Allowing little things to rob me of joy… allowing little things to distract me from remembering truth…

Still grateful for truth…  hoping to become more coo coo… like the apostles.