Heavy

Woke up feeling very heavy today.  No, I’m not referring to the extra weight I’m carrying around on my body.  “Heavy” has just been the word describing what’s happening in my heart and mind today.  Strangely enough, when I opened a book I’m reading right now, the first word I saw was the word, “Heavy,” written in bold font.  It was the title of a section called, “Heavy Words.” 

Don’t think that fear is the predominant thought or feeling.  I’m sure it’s there somewhere, but it’s not what I’m discerning at the forefront.  Responsibility seems to be the weight and pressure that I’m carrying today.  Knowing that August has begun seems to change my perspective on the timing / urgency of finding employment and all the benefits that come along with a job.

Below is a picture of Alfonso.  I am not sure if he’s a gerbil, hamster or guinea pig.  They’re all similar to mice and rats to me.  Anyways, we’re babysitting / rat-sitting Alfonso.  Obviously, I haven’t felt any kind of strong affections toward this rodent.  I feel strongly about his owner but not him.  Anyways, I’m not sure why, but my son, Elliott, decided Alfonso needed a new name.  I guess “Alfonso” didn’t capture this critter’s character and nature.  So, he’s now referred to as, “Tex.”  I definitely like that name much better. 

Anyways, feeling a lot like Tex right now.  Sometimes he runs in his wheel… never actually making any progress.  Been running and spinning, trying to be responsible… not really seeing any progress from the toiling.  Sometimes I rest in the running… feeling like I’m trying, which normally feels good (until I see no results).  Sometimes Tex just sits and waits (and occasionally shivers, but I don’t really understand that).  Not sure what he’s waiting for, but he seems to be waiting.  Sometimes I get a strange feeling that I need to wait… even though that makes no sense to me logically.  When I was immediately released from employment (even before I had processed what had happened), I applied for a few jobs.  I didn’t even want any of those jobs.  It was slightly funny (and ironic) how quickly they knew that they didn’t want me either.  Think that God might be telling me something.  Somehow if He is telling me to wait and trust… I feel like I’m compromising the call to be responsible.  It is strange (in a good way) to have a strong sense of Him speaking though. 

Anyways, some days are more difficult than others.  Just having a hard time waiting today…