Powerless

Feeling pretty powerless tonight as I think through yesterday, today and the next few days.  Seem to have stumbled and bumbled in several situations / conversations where I genuinely wanted to help... to invest... to encourage... to connect, but somehow I don't feel like I accomplished those things.

Even tonight in the middle of a very meaningful, vulnerable and honest conversation with Kel... I felt powerless to help.  I know I'm not designed to "fix" things.  I don't have the ability, but it doesn't keep me from trying.  I'd be happy just to improve things a little.  Just wish I could have at least given more hope.  I definitely listened intently, and it truly mattered to me.  I just wasn't able to help.  Felt like I should know what to say and do.  Isn't that what I'm supposed to be about?

Below is a picture I took a day or two ago.  Let me preface this by saying that I haven't ironed anything in years.  Again, that's literal.  No, I don't use dry cleaning.  Every once in awhile I'll iron one thing.  I just don't do fancy much.  As I folded some of the laundry the other night I noticed that the collar of one of my shirts was weird and crumbled.  I decided to iron it.  I knew I wouldn't wear it with the crazy collar.

After letting the iron warm up for 10 to 15 minutes I pressed down hard with that thing... for some reason it wasn't working... only to realize although it was plugged in, I hadn't really turned it on.  Yet, somehow I had managed to pour excessive amounts of water onto the shirt and somehow make the shirt dirtier.  Good metaphor of how I "try" to fix things.  When I do try to fix things, man,  I make a mess of things.

As I prepare to leave for Ohio tomorrow I think two thoughts.  First, that Willie Nelson's an idiot.  The lyrics, "I just can't wait to get back on the road again."  What was he thinking?  He obviously didn't have my family.  Second thought, feeling very powerless as I think about being away from my family for the next 6 days... unable to see them, unable to contribute around the house, unable to shepherd, unable to lead...

Feeling pretty powerless as I hope to see my home sell... knowing I can't make it happen.

I think a better word for powerless is, "helpless."  Aware that this is a good place to be spiritually.  It just doesn't always feel that way.  Somehow that illusion of power still seems very enticing.