invitation still stands

Just wanting to be real and continue to invite you to eavesdrop on the real over here on Ridgegate.  Its been a hard faith day for us.  Walking by faith has been a theme for our family for years, and today I am failing... and I feel a little angry.  Anger is one of my best "go to's."  I am familiar with that cruel friend.  Sad but true.

Today, we spent the day getting ready for a showing.  I barked out orders, and we got things ready.  Interrupting nap time for two children makes things tricky, but we rallied.  As the time approached we got in our car and went down the street to play cards until the showing was over.  We waited in expectation.  The girls squealed with delight as we saw a car pull into our driveway.  About two minutes later that same car backed down our driveway.  They didn't go in... they didn't look inside.  Seriously?  You have to be kidding me?  All that hustle and bustle and not even a complimentary peek?  My heart sank.  As I ran back inside to turn the lights out I fought back the tears of disappointment.  I uttered truth from my head to offer hope to my heart.

I got back in the car with my princesses to run our errands.  A song came on reminding us that we are the light of the world, and we have to let our light shine.  We three princesses sang and danced with renewal.  Praise restored hope.  We agreed that this song was issuing a call to be a light no matter what.  We were going to choose joy.  It was rich.

Since then, Charli won't eat well.  Eloise is still sick and my heart is just plain worn out.  I haven't connected with Pastor in over a week, and I am feeling it's effect.  I am feeling depleted.  I am feeling sad.  I am feeling alone.  What happened to that whole walking by faith thing?  What about that whole choosing joy thing?  We'll I am still doing it.  We are still doing it.  But it doesn't look like a Disney movie over here.  It's just hard.

Faith... it's hard.  Life... if you have lived long enough... is really hard too.  How do we live a life of a faith?  An honest one?  One that feels and is fully alive and yet is desperately aware of its need.  I am choosing faith.  I am not fretful, but I could use a good cry.  That is the truth.  I know I can rest in the fact that God is ok with my tears.  He sees my heart.  He knows all... He knows me.

Just wanting you to know that it's not all combat boots, rainbows and butterflies around here.  Today it's tears and tissues. 

But, that's real life isn't it?  It would be a lie to write about anything other than what is really happening in my heart.  

I am still choosing hope, faith, and joy.  At this moment I am just feeling my neediness a little more.  And, that is something I can honestly say I am thankful for.  When I cry out in extreme need, He answers.  He will meet me here.  He hates pretending.  So He receives my cries... my struggles... all of me with tender joy.  I don't have energy to pretend... not for God, not for my family... not for you.

So, there it is.  The raw invitation to eavesdrop.  And, raw it is.  I am expectant and certain that God will redeem every morsel, and He is already at work doing so.  The truth I cling to... the only truth that matters is that when He is all I have... He is all I need.   He is MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.   Thankful that in the mess He calls me lovely.   May I live out of the beauty of truth and not out of my circumstances.

May I reflect what He sees!  A little girl fully wrapped in Her Daddy's garment.