My heart is battling today. I am trying to stand firm and not be defeated. I am a little tired from flying solo and my small fries have been sick. Charli had her appointment today, and it didn't go great. She is doing amazing. Her protein levels have totally been healed. TO GOD BE THE GLORY! Again, feeling great, but there's still major iron deficiencies. Also, because she hasn't gained any weight their first response is always the g-tube. Don't get me wrong... I am a big believer in helping when a small one needs intervention, Charli is no stranger to such help. But, she has never been more fully alive than she is at this moment. She is eating well, playing hard, and growing more and more delightful with each passing day. I am her momma lion, and I am roaring. I honestly think that being so active and getting longer has kept her from gaining. I fully believe she will catch up, but it will be slow. I keep getting splashed by this puddle, but I know today that I must choose to either avoid the rain or to dance in the puddles. I am choosing to dance today. It's not a pretty dance. It's not even an energetic one. It is humble and requires the hand of The Father to lead me.
Shorty is pretty sick with the croup right now. Of course, this would be super harmful to Charli if she got it. We are praying against fear as we pray for healing for Eloise. Anxiety issues flow through our blood, and the past several days it has plagued my middle princess as she fights for breath. There was a window today that I honestly thought I was going to have to call 911. We prayed and talked it through. It seems like the enemy really loves attacking the small. Yes, the croup is very serious, but I believe her fear is much more debilitating. My heart aches and so I take the hands of one smaller than mine, and I hold the way I have been held, the way I am being held.
If I let myself, I could spin all out of control about all the things out of my control. I could choose anger and bitterness, and often times I have. Most days I just choose to be angry with Pastor because I feel like he should be able to fix it, and he can't. So we dance our dances... he always invites... sometimes I accept and receive blessing... but most of my life I have accepted the invitation of my flesh. This dance looks normal to everyone else, but it is one that quietly kills the soul.
What I have been learning and will fight to keep learning is that I must choose thankfulness for the good and the hard. Thank you, God, for always inviting me to dance in the rain. For holding me... for supernatural shelter. For dance mates with umbrellas and warm words for the soul.
You are so good. You can be trusted. You delight in the dancer that chooses to sway in the storm. YES!!!! I want to sway... with a house that needs to sell, a body that is tired to tears, with sick babies, being at odds with doctors, a Pastor that will leave again, uncertainties, heartaches, longings, dreams, HOPES, wonder, struggle, too much to fit in, meals to cook, minds to teach, tears to tend to... some of my own and some from my smalls... house to keep clean, shepherding, documenting, providing, connecting... in all of my "get to's" that can often get the best of me... I want to dance and twirl with a Spirit that expresses an invitation that cannot help but be noticed by others.. I want to do an Eden dance.
Dancing with the Father isn't always graceful. It isn't always neat and tidy. It's splashing in puddles, soaked clothes, dripping hair, and dirty feet. A good reminder for me as I learn hard thanks is that the One that extends that dancing hand is also the One that gently tends to my dancing feet.
I don't want to live my life with petals that lose their ability to dance under the heavy storm's rain. I want to flourish under the downpours. I want His beauty to shine even more fully. Refine me that I may fall even more in love YOU... I want to dance... rain or shine.
thankful in ALL!
We once had doctors advising us to schedule surgery for one of our children (18 years ago), and we knew in our heart of hearts it was not time to do so. We got another opinion from another doctor who was willing to try some other options, and when we took her back to the first doctor later, he was amazed at her progress. Different problems than your Charli, but I know that if you need to let them put a g-tube in, you will sense the Lord's peace that she truly needs it and sense it's God's time. Rest in the Healer.
ReplyDeleteMamas know a lot about what is right for their child at a particular time.