living water

I need living water.  I am like that deer panting.  I am panting with much desperation.   This morning has been dark.  The enemy has invited me to spin and for most of my day I have accepted.  I knew the dance would trip me up, but I chose it anyway.  I hate my choices sometimes.

I hope I have not deceived.  God has FULLY REDEEMED ME...but...  my flesh is toxic.  This book shows a small glimpse of how I have behaved today.  Let me set the scene a little bit...

Charli has decided that she doesn't like her bottle... AT ALL.  After about a million attempts starting last night I have be unsuccessful to get her to drink ANY.  Normally she fights me, but I can usually get it down her.  Now....ZERO.  I thought I would outsmart her this morning.  I got a sippy cup and took out the stopper.  I managed to get a lot in her just to have it puked back up all over me.  I think some went down the wrong way.  She followed that beautiful show by puking up her food about 4 different times.  I WAS SO MAD.  

I should also share that Charli gained a pound last week.  The best progress she has made in months.  The doctor still thinks we should do the tube, but we feel otherwise... today.  So, all that to say, she has been doing great but has to go in for weight checks every week.  This feels VERY HEAVY for my already tired heart.  Every morsel of food and every sip of fluid counts.  I NEED it to stay down.  

This morning just confirms what I had already suspected.  Charli's eating or not eating has become an idol for me.  She eats well = all is well.  She won't eat = I am undone.  I share this only so you will know how to pray for Charli and for me.  Sadly, the sickest of the two is me.  I feel broken as I realize the truth in what I just typed.  Panting... in need of living water.

I have spent  time talking with God about the darkness.   I have said I am sorry for dancing in the dark.  I have repented to my smalls, and I have cried.  I am sorry.  I am just like Paul.  I do what I hate.  

God has been tender in His response to my sin and desperation.  He gave me an unexpected and clear vision.  I shouldn't  have been surprised by the tool he choose... but I was...

Yep... this little one.  She is exploring the water line that hooks up to our fridge.  I have let her play a good bit today because I have had so little to offer her.  I had no idea that her independent play time would turn into her feeding me spiritual food.  What I saw her do totally floored me...

She got some of the dirty, dripping water on her hand and started sucking it off.  Most moms would've stopped their children from such disgusting practices...UNLESS...they have four children and are completely parched themselves... so I just watched instead.  And, it got better...

She stopped licking her hand and put her mouth really close to the line itself... I know, more gross and more intriguing.  Then...

She started drinking right out of the wall.  All I could think about was the irony drowning this situation.  Here I am...offering her plenty of healthy, wonderful, and life giving drinks, and she refuses even a sip.  Not even a SIP.  She has total access.  I would give her as much as she wants.  It would satisfy.   It would benefit her and bring joy to the momma... but she says, "no thanks."  She will find her own water....

Oh, I ache as I know this to be true of me.  I like Charli, refuse what is best so that I can find my own water.  I too sip from contaminated wall-wells.  It isn't clean.  It could harm me.  It won't satisfy, and it doesn't even taste that good.  But, it's on my own terms.  It's my choice, and so I often choose water from the toilet instead of the living well.  At first it tastes like good water, but after swishing and swallowing I find I am filled with waste. 

The water-cry of my thirsty soul today is that I would stop returning to the broken cisterns of life.  I don't want to do my life if He doesn't fill me.  For not only will I die a slow death, but I also know I won't have any water to spill forth and bless.

So, as I exhale... and chuckle about the comic relief the Lord so graciously supplied for my heart, I know  without a doubt that when that thirst surfaces as it so often does...  I must run to the source.  I must return to HIS LIVING WORD and remember HIS TRUTH AND PROMISES, and I need to drink deep... face and heart soaking it all in.