Well, yesterday was my last official day at the church. I packed up what was left in my office. I worked on last minute administrative type things…you know, just the typical. The really strange thing was that something happened in the middle of this stuff. God used one of my friends to drastically raise my self-awareness. I say that meaning as I talked with a friend of mine…well, God stirred something in me.
The stirring could be described as healthy… which normally means painful. Suddenly I had a greater awareness of how self-absorbed I have been lately (not that I’m not self-absorbed all the time). It hit me so hard… I did lose my job. I did lose many sweet relationships; however, I have friends and family undergoing deep struggles of much greater magnitude!!! Meanwhile, I’ve been locked in on my own situation to the detriment of people I truly love. In the midst of my struggles I have not cared for friends and family who are going through extremely painful relational struggles, going through deep anger with God… family who have a precious child who has been in the hospital with little to no understanding of what is wrong with their child.
All I can say is… I’m sorry. I’m grateful for the perspective shift. I hope it lasts.
This changed the way leaving my office felt… (and by “office” I mean a large windowless closet that I became quite fond of). Before I walked out of my office for the last time, I must have looked in the Trapper Keeper version of my planner 20 times. Many of you know of my obsessive compulsive issues. The “to do” list never changed those twenty times I looked at it, but for some reason I felt really frantic to repeatedly check over it.
I stood up…walked to the door. As I exhaled, I whispered, “Thank you, God.” I think I really meant it. That was nice. I clutched my freakishly large sombrero in my hand (it was mounted to the wall as a candy-holding container). I left. I’ll miss Fellowship.
I actually went out to eat by myself. Of course, on the rare instance that I do go out to eat by myself, the restaurant was packed with people…which drew more attention to the fact that I was alone. I spent some time with an author who feels more like a friend. Surprisingly, my mind felt very clear and free. I deeply enjoyed reading. The unhurried pace for that hour blessed my heart and mind. It was so nice (and strange) to think clearly.
Seems perspective is something I lose so quickly. After Lincoln and Tucker died I felt like I had the most accurate perspective on life. The scales had been removed from my eyes, and I could truly see. The things that really mattered were so clear. The unnecessary and unimportant actually appeared unnecessary and unimportant… rather than “urgent.” I remember being afraid that I would lose that perspective. Unfortunately, I did lose much of it. I did get caught up again in less important things. I did make the subordinate the primary…maybe not quite as much as I did before I lost my boys. After the perspective shift I received yesterday, I wonder how to go about not drifting back into my normal ways and normal thought processes. The Spirit inside me screams, “you must pay more careful attention to what you have heard / learned, so that you do not drift away!” That’s the Adam Vaughan version of Hebrews 2:1. Truth has been my greatest weapon in guarding my heart and my greatest encouragement in stirring hope.
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