Inadequate

Tonight I sit in front of the computer feeling really inadequate to do this.  Kelly and I made a commitment to try to “blog” something (whatever that means) at least once a day… I know… I’m tired of it already too.  Rarely am I sure of what I should say…

First and foremost, my soccer game got cancelled… again.  Today’s weather was blazing hot and sunny… all day!  We won’t go into this.  I just needed to lament a little.  Still not sure why rec league soccer brings me so much joy and so much frustration. 

Well, next thought…a little over a week ago I was at Larry Crabb’s “School of Spiritual Direction.”  On the first night he asked us, “What is your red dot?”  He was referring to the red dot on the directory in the mall that says, “You are here.”  His question was meant to mean, “Where are you?  What’s going on in you?”  Well, the second night of the retreat he asked the same question.  My immediate response was irritation.  Hadn’t I just answered that question yesterday?  Why in the world would he need to ask me that question again?  In my mind my thoughts and feelings seem pretty steady.  As I allowed myself to process his question I realized that it does make sense to see what’s happening in my heart and mind constantly (rather than with the same frequency as my dental cleanings).  The problem with this is that being attentive to what’s going on inside of me and being attentive to the Spirit’s stirrings / leadings… well, it’s exhausting, and I’m feeling pretty tired.  At the same time I’m grateful for the challenge to be more attentive to what God’s doing. 

To bounce to a completely different thought… do you ever call someone when you have absolutely nothing to say?  Man, that’s such a sweet gift when you can call an old friend simply because you deeply enjoy them.  You’ve got nothing to say, and that’s fine.  I did that tonight, and I felt like the friend simply delighted in me for being me.  A wonderful gift.

In contrast to that my wife and I had some really rich conversation with two new friends this morning.  There’s something about someone else who has gone through great struggle… someone who is real about that struggle… something about that just draws me to that person.  I felt very drawn to our new friends.  I think I’ve noticed that often pain and struggle seem to be tools that make room for great depth in a person’s heart.  These friends have much depth.  I’m afraid to ask for more depth… afraid of the means that He might use to give it.