I love my kids. They can drive me CRAZY but I deeply love them. Next to Adam they are my greatest gift. I am aware that I am a rich woman. I find it amazing how much the Lord teaches me about my heart and His heart through my children. I have much to learn from them and I am choosing to study closely.
You will notice that in many of my posts I mention Bud. He is my little 3 year old prince. He has my heart. I will not lie, in this season he is my favorite. I know, what kind of mom says they have a favorite? I know I am breaking all the rules and codes by admitting this. I don’t really care, it’s true. I love all my kids but right now I most enjoy my little man. He is the perfect size. His laugh and smile melt the tough spaces of my heart, he still smells sweet, and He is just the right fit for a good snuggle. He also represents two boys that I do not get to enjoy this side of heaven. The other thing that makes him stand out is that when he offers me his affection it is a gift. I realize this because I know I am not his favorite. His heart belongs to another, his daddy. There are many times where I’ll do, but truth be told he always prefers Adam. Sometimes it really stings, but mostly I have gotten used to it. All that to say, when my boy wants to love on me I savor every moment because I know he is choosing me and also I am very aware that it will not last long.
This morning as Adam left I had many small sad hearts to tend to. Tears were shed and emotions were shared. Bud was especially expressive as he clung to his father’s leg. He did not want to be separated. He was fighting for more time with his daddy. After Adam shut the door behind him Elliott just stared and stared out the window. He did not hide his sadness or his desire for his father. He just kept calling for him to come back.
This is the clearest picture of what my heart has been feeling the past year. I just want my Daddy to come back. Before you start thinking I am super spiritual I also want to confess that God has shown me that my cry has been more about me than a longing for Him. I think at the core of my cry is an idol. I do so want Jesus to return. But, I think it’s more because I don’t want to hurt anymore and I am tired of life being so hard. I am on the road to desiring His return for better reasons. I am not fully there yet, but my journey is underway. I am excited for the day when my heart will reflect Elliott’s. He is a son that fully desires his Daddy’s presence. God, that is the cry of my heart today! I want to be a daughter that is always staring out ahead waiting in anticipation for her Daddy to come back.
No comments:
Post a Comment