rain

                                                                                      
Today was a day filled with much needed rain. I had a small window to just be still, watch and listen. The sounds and sights were amazing. I was thankful. Mostly because my yard looks like an ash tray and all of my potted flowers resemble nothing but death. My water hose could only do so much. We needed rain.

Today, my heart matched the weather. It was messy and dark. I’ve mentioned before that I think a lot. Sometimes that is a good thing. Other times it’s not so productive.  In fact, it can be to my detriment. I want to be honest in saying that just because our family is learning beautiful things doesn’t mean we are always surrounded by beauty. Often, I am frustrated with myself, my husband, our situation etc. I am tempted to lose hope. Even with Adam coming back from a life changing week I wonder…are we just learning a new language or are we learning to do life differently. There are many things I don’t like about my life right now. I don’t like thinking about moving. I don’t like thinking about being away from my family. I HATE the thought of moving somewhere cold. I despise not having a church to call home and I miss seeing the people I dearly love on a regular basis.

Sometimes I just want to be angry, and sometimes I feel angry towards my husband. I want him to get us out of this mess. I feel so out of control. I need someone to blame. and he is available. Healthy, no, honest…yes! I can be hopeful and still not like the unknown…my behavior is where it becomes a problem. The unknown makes me afraid and makes me want to withdraw or attack. How’s that for beauty?
I guess the hope that I am holding onto is like the long awaited rain we received today. It will not provide immediate results. Healing and growth is in process, but it’s going to take a while for us to see the beauty that's underway. So, today, I cling to Hebrews 3:6 that reminds me that God is faithful over me, and I must hold on to the courage and hope of which I boast.
                                                      

I am thankful for the rain which is bringing life back to my yard…though my potted plants are goners. And, for the promise that even when my heart resembles the hard, resistant, dry earth…beauty not yet seen is on it’s way.