near sided

I am not a woman who is short on words.  I am not one who struggles to come up with an opinion.  I was born opinionated.  Pray for my husband.  I am sure there are days he wishes my mouth came with a zipper.   Lately, I have needed to really speak out a lot of hard things.  Sometimes it can be tricky trying to discern what is appropriate and what it not.  A wise sister once taught me 3 guidelines for communication… Is what I am saying kind, true and necessary?  That has been a life lesson for me, one I am sure will continue until my days are done.  These guidelines can be especially tough when my heart is bleeding at a faster rate than my mind can process.  Still I find great truth in her words and long to put them into practice.

The last few weeks Adam and I have been discussing what our family should really be about.  It is stretching to investigate who we really want to be and then with God’s help operate out of that.  Since becoming a parent most of my life has been spent just merely trying to survive.  I don’t really know how to be a woman much less a wife and a mom.  I can tell you, however, that I long to press into the heart of God in regards to His vision for our family.   We have had some really good talks about the direction we want to go, and I am also very peaceful about not really having a roadmap or specifics.  Our God doesn’t seem to be a God of formulas, and I am learning how to trust Him in the midst of that truth.

I would like to share that during this time our family has received the gift of nearness.  I have sensed Gods nearness…something I don’t always experience.    We have also received that gift through people.  I can’t tell you how blessed I have been to see how brothers and sisters and even strangers have entered into our lives.  I want you to know that I not only enjoy them being present but I am learning from them.   I am humbled and blessed.  I am aware of their gift in a way that makes me long to reproduce it. 

Yesterday, Buddy, our 3 year-old son got into the crib with Charli.  He was tickled and full of love and giggles.  She was a little confused maybe even a little alarmed.  Elliott had nothing to offer her other than the gift of being near.  He couldn’t hold her, feed her, change her, comfort her but was delighted to enter into her space and just be with her.  I have thought a lot about this.  I think often I feel that if I don’t have something really great and beautiful to offer than I have nothing to bring, and so I don’t.  What I am learning through many of you and my boy is that choosing to be near is a gift in itself.  It is one of risk but has great value and worth.  Most of us wrestle with how to handle uncomfortable situations.  It’s hard to enter into the messy.  I can speak as an expert when it comes to messiness.   I can honestly say that when people have pursued our hearts in risky ways we, like Charli, may be a little confused, we may not understand what is going on, we might even be a little alarmed but someone offering the gift of their nearness is a treasure that reflects the very character of God.  This is, no doubt, something I long for our family to be about.