all better?

Today is a marker day for our family. It will mark the official close to Adam’s job at Fellowship. The church is hosting a farewell in his honor tonight. I am really struggling. I didn’t think that today would feel so hard, but it does. It feels really sad. To me, it feels like a death. I have become familiar with death over the last year. I don’t enjoy death. It terrifies me. But, I do know first hand that new life comes out of death. Life that is unimaginable and unthinkable….but death of any kind shatters dreams. I think the hardest part of this process is remembering truth in the midst of my heartache. The message that my heart sees in this situation is that I am expendable. My gifts are not always valued or enjoyed. When what I have to offer is no longer desired, I may be sent packing. I have heard this before in my life. I do recognize the enemy’s voice in these words. Even though I know the source of these lies the wrestling continues.

When I was a child, we used to sing a song over and over in church. Some of you may remember it too. It was called “Trust and Obey.” The words said “trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey.” I wonder if our Creator cringed when my little heart sang those words. Oh, if it were only that easy. If I would just do A and B, and then C would magically happen to make me a happy bird. Wouldn’t that be NEAT?  I do not believe that God's desire for our lives is to pursue happiness.  And,I am continuing to learn that God is ok with me not being happy, because he wants me to experience His JOY. They can go together but they are not the same thing.

I also find it funny that as a mom I have learned some “pain management” tactics. Many of you practice them too. For instance, having four children means lots and lots and LOTS of bumps, bruises and boo-boos. My immediate response is to offer to kiss and make it better. The notion that I could kiss their pain away is about as insane as if I just trust and obey God I’ll be happy. Of course, I believe that loving on my babes will bring comfort, but it doesn’t take their pain away. It brings me pleasure to bring nearness and sympathy, but it doesn’t change the fact that they still have a giant bloody scratch. Today, I wish it were as easy as God coming and kissing away the many, many boo-boos in my heart, but I am thankful that He delights in comforting me. He offers me His nearness by walking beside me and grieving with me. He is not unaware nor unresposive to my big bloody scratches. The best part is that I can choose to remember, by the Spirit, that He never stops doing me good. He is always pursuing healing in me. Not because it makes me feel better…because it doesn’t... but because it better reflects Who He is and who He is calling me to be.

Please continue to pray for me and my family as we battle out the daily lies AND truths that are hard to process. Pray for courage. Pray for honest and good tears. Pray for eyes that see His vision. Today I am tempted to settle for the band-aid….pray that I’ll be hungry for a better touch.