Why

This morning I had breakfast with a stranger... I'm sure that sounds weird. He's at the School of Spiritual Direction with me, but he's here to help.

Basically, we just had a conversation that mattered. He didn't try to fix me. He didn't interrupt my stories to tell how his stories intersect with mine.., but he did press me to go deeper.

I've mentioned in a previous blog that when someone gives me words of affirmation or encouragement that I always deflect it or deflate it. I'll deflect it by telling them how special they are... how they have such an amazing gift of encouragement. I'll deflate it by saying, “If you only knew what was in my heart, you wouldn't think that about me.” Well, I patted myself on the back for such keen self-awareness that I do this. As I talked to this stranger / new friend, he said, “It sounds like you're simply trying harder to not do it. Why don't you ask yourself why you do it?” Wow, my natural instinct is behavior modification. That's not the highest goal... why do I do that? Why don't I look at the heart issue underneath? Not sure why I do that, but grateful for the reminder to look beneath the struggle.

He also said, “Adam, you seem very difficult to get to know.” That hurt. My natural tendency is to defend. I might pull off a facade of humility as I receive his words, but in my mind I can quickly defend why that's not true. The problem is that I've heard those words several times in the last few months... words like, “Adam, it just feels like you hold your cards close to your chest.” If anyone actually reads this, please don't feel like you need to defend against this statement. There must be some truth to his words if I'm hearing it with increasing frequency. My first response is, “I'm going to go out of my way to make sure I let people get to know me!” Again, why am I so drawn to behavior modification? I'm just trying harder. The real issue is, “Why do you do this, Adam?” I don't know.

Grateful to have been pushed passed “trying harder” and into what's underneath this big mess. Glad to have been pushed to simply ask, “Why?”