Random

Not sure what to say today.  Many random thoughts going around in my big Charlie Brown head.

A very dear friend finds out tomorrow if he has cancer.  My heart struggles for him.  Still not sure how to make loved ones fully understand how much I love them and hurt for them.  I’ve been more aware than ever than when a moment becomes especially deep / intimate with a friend… well, I’m likely to throw out a joke to “lighten” the conversation.  Disappointed I do that.

I have been to DHS (Department of Human Services) twice this week.  Seeing the financial neediness of the hundreds of people there (one time crammed / overflowing the main room, the other time in a line surrounding the building)… well, I was struck with how I often seem unaware or blind to the need right down the street.  Wasn’t I worried or playing the martyr in my head about my situation?  Man, how do I respond to that?

On a positive side, I was blessed with such a fun time with a friend last night.  More than ever I value laughter.  Not looking for a shallow escape from reality (well, maybe sometimes)… but it’s hard to communicate how healthy it is to laugh with someone or even at yourself. 

I (Adam) am playing in an adult soccer league again.  Our first game of the season got rained out on Wednesday.  The season hasn’t even officially begun, and I’m already enjoying it.  That might not even make sense to most of you.  Talking about it with a friend is as fun as actually playing.  At the same time it’s ridiculous…even embarrassing, but I’m more disappointed as a 36 year old adult when my game gets rained out than I was as a little boy.  I might handle that disappointment in a more mature way, but I’m literally more bummed.  Why is that?  Why do I feel like I need to understand why that is?

A friend asked me last night, “Do you feel like you need to figure yourself out?  Do you need to understand yourself?”  Hard to know how to answer honestly… I’m more curious than I’ve ever been, but I feel more free not to have to understand everything. 

Again, the contradictions within are alive and strong.