Contradiction

Well, today was our third Sunday without a church. Still quite weird. Still not liking it. We’ve begun the process of researching churches. That’s not something I ever thought I’d do unless it was for employment opportunities.

We had “church” on the back porch this morning. Really enjoying those times, but really missing the body of believers. I was able to enjoy an extremely sweet gift of witnessing a precious loved one be baptized today. Man, God is good.

Tomorrow I’m attending Larry Crabb’s “School of Spiritual Direction.” I’m really excited about this opportunity. God has used Crabb’s books to stir in my heart and mind since I started full-time ministry a long time ago. I’m anticipating God to stir and reveal… and, Lord-willing, heal in many ways. The whole story of how I got into this school is nothing short of God’s divine workings. At the same time I feel a deep sadness about the time away from my family. All of our hearts are extra fragile right now. I held Eloise for a long time tonight as she cried while processing the time I’ll be away this month. Truly, being away from them brings me great grief.

When I’ve tried to communicate myself in one word over the last year, I’ve had to use the word, “contradiction.” I mean it in more than just the Romans 7 way (doing what I don’t want to do, not doing what I do want to do). My emotions / heart seem to permit me to feel completely opposite feelings simultaneously (i.e., excited and sad about the school). Most of the time lately I’m feeling hopeful and sad. I also find myself feeling frustrated and peaceful.

Not sure what to do with my contradicting emotions… grateful that God’s pushing the scales… meaning, I’m gradually feeling a greater pull and desire to love when it’s extremely difficult. Feeling a little less desire to prove and defend… although that’s still very strong. The question is if I’ll actually love the way He‘s called me to do it…radically.

Seems I’m usually my own worst enemy. Between my mind and my pride… well, it’s a tough battle. My heart wants to love better, but my mind tries to convince me that it’s okay to just disengage. My mind tells me I have a right to that. My heart’s right, but sometimes it feels weaker between the two. Again, contradicting...