See Me

Today has been a good day. I told Adam that life had been pretty hectic lately and it would be a blessing if we could make today feel special. We spent some time talking about what that might look like. He asked me what I was hoping for. My reply was simple. I just want to do something that makes today feel different. We landed on taking our family swimming. To most of you this is not a big deal but keep in mind our entire summer last year was spent at the NICU at UT. Our girls have been dying for swim time with their daddy. So, today, we did the pool…all day (one of the perks of having an unemployed husband, I guess). Today, I’ll take it.

We had a fun, unhurried time. I am not super familiar with “unhurried.” I always feel pressured to be doing…..always. By nature and by choice I strive, and I clamor. Partly, because I am a wife and mother of four, and if I am being really honest, the other part is due to the fact that I long to have something to offer. I don’t feel that these qualities reflect my Creator, but, today, they do reflect me. As I was swimming I had an encounter with an adorable little girl. She couldn’t have been any more than eleven. She was kind and seemed to want to chat. She told me she was on the swim team and even showed me some of her strokes. She was a young expert, seriously, she was so fast and graceful. I enjoyed watching her gift. When she swam back my way I praised her for how talented she was. Her reply was “oh, that was just me taking it easy.” I continued to encourage her, but my heart wrestled as I saw myself in her. She so wanted something really beautiful to offer so much so that she couldn’t rest in how gifted she truly was. She, like me, was striving and clamoring and asking “do you see me, does my offering have any beauty?”
When we came home, my husband received an encouraging word from some dear parents of one of our students. The letter spoke volumes as they simply communicated how they had been blessed by Adam. They named ways that their family had been ministered to. He shared with me what a blessing to be seen by them, and enjoy his God-given abilities. His response was “they got me.” I think we all have a deep ache to be seen.

This morning I sensed the Lord’s delight in me. I had been thinking and praying about how I might best honor Him in the midst of some tricky relationships. I am comfortable choosing my flesh as my guide, but I am also tired of it. I long to be Spirit-driven. I think the Lord is moving me in this direction. I am a slow learner, but He is a tender teacher. He gave me visions of how He would want me to love. He spoke, I wrestled, He revealed, I confessed my struggle, He met me there and my heart and eyes were opened, I released my sinful flesh (for the moment) and accepted the offer to be a daughter after her Father’s heart. In doing so, I felt my grip on “my will” loosen and a freedom to wait expectantly with open hands.

I am excited about being a partner in His ministry. My heart becomes alive when it feels it has something valuable to offer. I am not really sure that I have felt that in a long time. Today, El Roi, The God who see’s me, reassured my needy heart that I am seen by Him, and my costly offering is not only acceptable but beautiful. Five minutes from now I will most likely return to the comfort of clamoring and striving, but I have enjoyed a much needed break from that today. It’s funny, when we accept the invitation to simply rest in His delight for us the need to impress everyone else just doesn’t seem to matter as much. What a gift. Please pray that I will continue on this path. Along with many other things, I struggle with forgetfulness.