Today is a great day. The air is full of crisp fall. The Vols are playing and winning... yea... my kids are playing cards with Pastor. We have a warm and loving home. We have plenty of food to eat. We are getting ready for worship tonight. All is well.
But if I am being really honest my heart is struggling with feeling confused.
What does God want for our family. Are the desires in our hearts from HIM? How can we honor HIM most? When I think I hear Him... is it really HIM or me? As I pray, I often confess how weak my faith really is. It is growing, but it is still small. My heart feels discouraged by it's infancy. I am a woman that likes facts... direction... plans... and I like it on my timetable. God is not concerned about doing things when I want them. He is more concerned with the slow weaving of threads. Threads that look all crazy and out of whack to everyone but HIM. He is not scared of messy or things appearing out of control.
Much like this project I was helping the girls with....the finished product takes time. It took some correcting, some re-aligning, it took resources... heart and determination. I was often frustrated that the project was not co-operating. I am thankful that unlike me my Good Daddy knows all, and nothing is challenging for HIM. And, He desires best. He is an uncompromising God. Sometimes best means being patient. Sometimes best means the painful ripping of the "threads of good intentions." Most of the time best means costly...because we must wait for His gentle hand to shape us with the needle and thread that patterns us after HIMSELF.
I am learning this...my faith is growing...it feels hard....it feels confusing...but I know I am conforming more to HIS image, and I am thankful.
I am learning that writing, speaking and living Eucharisteo is a sacrifice. It takes intention, and it is choosing to see with thankful eyes at all times... in all circumstances. Thankfulness as we feel ripped at the seam. Thankfulness when we are awaiting miracles. Thankfulness as we pray salvation over our children. Thankfulness in laughter and in tears. CHOOSING to be thankful in all things... in plenty and in want. This student will continue to talk to the Teacher about her heart, and it's desire to be patterned after her Maker. He continues to guide me through life with his nail scarred hands, and... slowly... VERY SLOWLY...I take shape....less of me and more of HIM... a tapestry of joyful and painful eucharisteos.
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