Sorry

Let me begin this entry by saying, “I am sorry.”  Two nights ago I wrote a late night blog entry titled, “Impressive.”  The thoughts I shared had been bouncing in my big, empty head all day; however, they were not what was pressing most deeply on my heart at the moment.  I wrote that blog right after Kelly and I had engaged in a pretty significant battle with each other.  I apologize for not being more real with you.  That is one of the main purposes of this blog… to try to be real… to invite others into authenticity.  I was not real about our battle.  By battle I mean two rams butting heads with much force… Part of me felt very saddened by our battle.  Part of me felt the post-fight awareness of how I needed to own up to the wrongs I had done in the battle.  Part of me felt very alive.  I know that sounds so strange. 

Not completely sure why I felt so alive.  Maybe because I felt so strongly about things.  It’s empowering to feel such strong convictions.  Maybe because my wife and I are in an incredibly intense season where we’re fighting for more of God… fighting for more in terms of what the church should look like… fighting and clamoring to surrender to the command and invitation of the Sabbath.  Much fighting.  This is going to be a season of fighting for us.

I am personally wrestling with a lot of things.  As I’ve mentioned before I’m struggling with what our culture has accepted as church.  I just think God means so much more… and I mean so much more this side of heaven as well!  As I talk with churches about the potential of future employment I wonder if I’m just perpetuating the cycle I’ve already been a part of.  I’m not knocking any churches.  My most recent church is probably the healthiest church I have ever seen.  I think I might need to qualify the word, “healthy.”  I just mean they try to honor God with a biblical mindset (in terms of leadership, teaching, church discipline, etc.)  It’s not perfect, but it’s really good.  At the same time I just have an uneasiness within me.. something’s screaming, “There’s more!”  I’m beginning to feel more unsettled than anything.

If I were to use one word to describe my wife, I’d use, “beauty.”  I mean so much more than her physical attractiveness.  A close second would be the word, “unsettled.”  Never in my life have I seen anyone near as unsettled as she is.  She will not settle.  She always wants more… more of God… more in our family… more in our marriage… more holiness… more depth… more.  Maybe you remember the verse in Philippians about straining toward what is ahead?  Well, she’s straining and struggling.  She does consider all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him.  Her unsettled nature… well, at times it drives me completely crazy.  When I’ve had a moment to process it all, I think it is absolutely awesome.  Don’t misunderstand.  She celebrates victories.  She is deeply grateful.  At the same time she just doesn’t settle. 

As I’m beginning to experience… being unsettled is not really a good feeling.  There are some longings that I don’t think will be filled until our glorified state.  At the same time there’s something strangely refreshing by not being satiated by things less than God.  It’s as if tasting a crumb of God makes us famished hungry for more of Him.

Anyways, I got distracted from the main point, but let me say again, “I am sorry.”