This picture represents me right now as I type this. I caught this photo many days ago by accident. It spoke to me then, it is me today. Elliott is our precious 3 year old...his heart is very tender. He is sad often, and his eyes show it. When he cries, he doesn’t try to restrict his tears. He lets them flow, and they flow strong. Right now, I am choosing to be like my son and let my “grief waters” pour out.
Right now just feels like too much. I have had a great day. I have had rich interactions with people, but right now I am struggling. This afternoon I came home to a discussion about a future job for Adam, which would involve a move (hate… want to run from), trying to still process what in the world the Lord wants for us…for me, lots of needy children, home school documents that need to be filled out and sent back, the realization that I have no idea what I am doing in regards to home school this year, no plan, unexpected tough conversations, many other pressures. I am struggling with all the ways the enemy robs me of life through the chaos and clammer. And, then, of course, the main issue, the real issue….. MY OWN GARBAGE.
I have spent the last hour talking to God and trying to make sense of why I am the way I am. Don’t get me wrong I am not sitting around beating myself up. I am just trying to figure out what things are true about me even if they are not beautiful things, and what do I do with them? Is it just the way that I, or am I functioning out of some other un-Christ-like mode? I feel sad and afraid that I can’t really answer this question. Yes, I am deeply flawed…not utterly…but deeply. But, how do I determine if something about me is just one of the ways I am designed.
Feeling grossly sad about the things I know to be true about me that don’t reflect the character of God. Those items are obvious to most and too many too list. The others will become more evident as I become increasingly too tired to hide them.
I am sad. I long for more. God has given me discerning and perceptive eyes. Today, those eyes are crying about what I see to be true in me. I am a woman in need of much……..I am thankful that I am changing and growing, but that doesn’t change the fact that despite what a photo might capture, the dark that dwells within me is breeding grounds for all things unhealthy. Light must come. Darkness must be exposed. It is the only way.
I am thankful that through the pain and tears I have truth. Truth speaks louder than my emotions. I hear…He who began the work in me will be faithful to complete it. I see the hands of our Gardener-God that prunes off dead branches so new beauty can grow. I sense the presence of the Spirit that whispers “never will I leave you and never will I forsake you.”
I am thankful that unlike Elliott, who is unable to discern truths during his intense emotional times, I can choose to have rest in my relentless God. For He is always working for my good. He can’t not…it’s just who He is. He’s in the restoration business, and He never takes a day off. Today that just happens to mean some branches are being lopped off. I know beauty is on it’s way, but today tears are falling.
Greatful for the wise words a precious sister blessed me with today, “The King is great with tired and weary princesses who run into His arms.” Choosing to run to him and not away!
p.s. Elliott is joining me in “grief waters” as I type this…hoping to catch my breath before I enter his room.
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