Second guessing

I’ve mentioned before that on occasion (and by “on occasion” I mean every occasion) I can second guess myself.  Yes, it’s true.  On everything I do or say I can question whether I should have / could have done it better.  I can question whether I really sensed something from the Spirit, or maybe I completely made that up.  After ordering something at a restaurant I can second guess my order before the waiter / waitress has turned around. 

Little, sweet Charli (our 15 month old now!) has me second guessing myself right now.  Feeding her has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.  I know that sounds strange.  We’ll just say that when she was first released from the hospital she was on the edge of having a total oral aversion.  God prevented that; however, feeding her once she came home was truly one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life.  I’ll spare you the threats of major surgeries that were thrown at me as she struggled… I’ll also spare you the anger within me as I struggled with her unwillingness to eat.

Charli’s now on baby food.  She’s a little late on most things so she wasn’t actually introduced to food (other than breast milk) until after she was 1 year old.  Although she is the sweetest little thing ever, she’s got a lot of spunk and spirit to her.  Sometimes we’re really grateful for that (especially when we think about her days in the NICU fighting for her life), but we’re not as grateful for it when it’s feeding time.  Lately she has been eating really well.  Hard to explain what a relief this is.  When she takes a good bite of food, I say (in typical Daddy to baby talk), “Good job, Charli!”  Even though her only word is, “Da Da,” she understands that I’m praising her, and she loves it.  Her little face lights up, and she claps for herself.  It’s adorable.  (She’s only got two tricks… the sweetest handclap ever and a silly head shake.)  Anyways, neither of her two tricks grows old.  They’re always precious, cute and funny.  As I repeatedly say, “Good job, Charli!” I wonder a few things. 

Are we starved for affirmation from birth?  Am I praising her too much?  By praising her this much am I teaching her that it is crucial that she perform well to earn man’s applause?  Am I teaching her that she needs man’s approval for self-validation?  Without it… will she feel incomplete?  Does she think her standing with me is based on performance?  If not, will she think that?  Will she think how much she is loved is based on performance?

Maybe I’m slightly overthinking it, but I’m not sure that I am.  As I think back to my childhood I can remember the life given to me through words of affirmation.  Something within me sought with all my might to receive those words.  Achievement and recognition were “life” to me.  That’s not what scripture calls life.  When I actually achieved something and was given recognition, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I awkwardly played it down as if it didn’t matter.  As strange as it sounds, it felt uncomfortable.  Maybe the Spirit was stirring something with me that said, “There’s so much more.”  Or, maybe I’m second guessing for second guessing’s sake. 

Seems there aren’t as many answers as I would have thought.  I know God wants me to be okay with the wrestling, but that’s difficult.  Also makes it more difficult that God likes to work the way He likes to work.  Sometimes He speaks.  Sometimes He’s silent.  Sometimes He gives desire.  Sometimes He opens doors.  Sometimes He closes doors to increase our desire for doors to be open.  Not sure what to do.  Obviously, there’s no formula.  Maybe I shouldn’t live like there’s a formula then.

Anyways, for now, I’ll continue to second guess, but I can’t resist Charli’s sweet smile and clap.  I’ll keep baiting her until she gives me that combination of the simultaneous clap and beautiful baby smile.  It’s worth it.