Lately, I seem to have a lot of history. I had to tell and retell my story to 4 different people. Each time I felt like my heart was being scooped out by a melon baller. One of the nurses was verifying my information and was confused so she dug a little further. She wanted to know about my son, Tucker. As I explained what happened I watched her write the word deceased on my form. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream, “ Hide me, this is so painful.” After more waiting and more sharing I had my exam. I have become a bit of a freak show since having triplets. Everyone always wants to bring in other medical experts to “take a peek.” Now that Adam is unemployed I think I need to start charging a dollar or so every time they ask.
My new doctor and the other eyes examined my most humbling parts. Being completely stripped and naked feels humiliating. Humiliating=painful….please, hide me. I will have more of these visits to look forward to because my body has been crazy since having Elliott and the triplets. Yea me!
Although, I have been wholly seen and probed today the part that is being exposed the most is probably what lurks in my heart. My fear.
Fear along with many other things is an idol in my life. I don’t love it, but I can’t seem to do life without it either. Fear stirs up anger in me, anger and tears. Everything is so uncertain in my life. I hate the way I am feeling. I hate that I am angry with Adam simply because I need to be angry with someone. I grieve that I am not more loving and supportive. I want to stop grouching at my kids. I want to have more self-control. This feels so big today and painful. I would love to run away from my reality, but where would I go? The cry of my heart today is, “Lord, let me hide myself in Thee.” He’s all I’ve got. This may be the truth I know best.
Today, I’m feeling a bit raw. I think I am tired because I’ve been flying solo for so long while the hubs has been away. This morning just provided the opportunity for me to feel nakedness on both planes. I hate exposure. I do, however love the results…..healing, health, growth and life. But, honestly, today, I just want to hide. Please pray for me and my family as the Spirit leads.
This picture reminds me that exposure is worth the risk...and that beauty comes with the light....
I love this picture. It shows and reminds me of the same thing. It was and is so worth the risk. I loved risking it with you and those precious girls. What brave women we were that night - all because you let God speak to you. so good. I love you Kelly Vaughan. You are constantly in my heart and thoughts! Don't lose sight of the beauty. :)
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