Shifting

A quote from a book I'm reading,

“I know how monstrously inhumane I can be. Raging at children for minor wrongdoings while I'm the one defiling the moment with sinful anger. Hoarding possessions while others die of starvation. Entertaining the mind with trivial pretties when I haven't bowed the head and heart in a prayer longer than five minutes in a week. My tongue has had a razor edge and my eyes have rolled haughty and my neck has been stiff and graceless and I have lived the filthy ugly, an idolater, a glutton, and a grace thief who hasn't had time for the thanks.”

I like this author. The first line hits it so powerfully and accurately, “I know how inhumane I can be.” Man, gross and embarrassingly true for me. Sometimes when I'm talking with my kids I refer to myself in the third person. I'll say things like, “Pop would like to play a game with you guys if you're interested.” I think the author of the quote I shared above chose to write about me, but she switched the third person to the first person. She took my blame. That's unusual because I seem to be shifting blame pretty effortlessly onto other people... or anything else that seems reasonable at the moment.  Maybe you've heard of superheroes or mutants with the ability to shape-shift.  Well, my mutant ability is blame-shifting.  It's very impressive.

This week is filled with much excitement, nervousness, anxiety... unknown. If you haven't heard, I'm interviewing for a position out of town. Still not certain if it's where God wants me, but I do know that I am extremely interested in this church and this position. However, the unknown is so... unknown. Seems like it has a power over me. Allowing the external to have more control of me and my attitude than I should. Once again... shifting blame. Using these things to try to excuse my behavior.

Kelly felt God leading her to a particular passage of scripture when she woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago. I've been spending time in that passage... wading through, looking, listening. It's a passage that begins in Numbers 13 telling the account of Moses sending the 12 spies to explore Canaan. The spies returned and shared that the land flows with milk and honey, but 10 of the spies said that this land could not be conquered. The enemies were too powerful. The cities were fortified. Caleb silenced these people and stressed the power and favor of God on His people. Caleb was not worried about large walls or powerful enemies. He trusted God. The Israelites wanted to go back to Egypt (knowing they'd be slaves!)...they talked about stoning Moses, Aaron, Caleb and Joshua. Somehow the Israelites had forgotten again the miracles they had witnessed. It was like there was a powerful magnetic force within them that kept them naturally desiring slavery... bondage over courage required to experience freedom. I wonder why we pursue slavery? Is it fear? Do we pursue it because it's familiar? Do we really want to call it comfortable?

Wanting Caleb's perspective. Wanting Caleb's courage. Chapter 14 says that because “Caleb had a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly,...” that he'd receive a great blessing. Wanting a different spirit. Wanting wholeheartedness toward God.

Been thinking and discussing with the family what it really means to co-labor with God. Want to experience that. Somehow I think what Caleb and Joshua did was co-laboring with God. What would that look like for me?

Maybe that inward change would permeate my thinking so much that I could no longer say that the first paragraph was so true of me.