Scared of the Dark

As some of you know my brother-in-law and I ran in the Warrior Dash last Saturday. You may not have any clue what that is. Well, it's a little like a giant playground spread out throughout a race... basically, it's a mud run with some large obstacles. So much fun. Felt like play.

Anyways, one obstacle was clearly the easiest obstacle on the course (there were 12 total). “Easiest” in terms of being the least physically demanding. Yet, this is the obstacle that I really considered not doing. I wasn't worried about it effecting my time. I didn't care about my time in the race.

The obstacle was called, “Blackout.” It consisted of a very large black tarp-like tent. Inside this tent were large, black flaps or sheets of tarp that hung down. The result was complete darkness... I mean complete darkness. No flicker. No tiny speck of light to aim toward at the other side. Could not see anything. At the same time there is a stampede of large, sweaty bodies trying to crawl through this tent with little regard to fellow competitors.

There was much more of a stampede when I entered the "Blackout."

Obviously, this is the exit

Something about being in the complete darkness started to freak me out. I mentally had to talk myself into it. It wasn't easy for me. I've thought about that some lately.

From the time I was a little kid throughout much of my adult life I used to have a recurring dream. I would be in the dark. I'd reach for the lightswitch, flip it, and... nothing happened. The lights would not turn on. Then terror would set in... as if I knew something bad was about to happen.

I've always had a strange fascination with flashlights. Hard to explain. It's a weird fetish, but I love flashlights. When I got my headlamp for backpacking, I thought I had purchased the greatest thing on the planet. There's obviously some connection between my strong affections towards flashlights and my dislike of complete darkness.

Let me interrupt this to say that I am not a person full of fear. When I hear a noise in the middle of the night, I usually put a pillow over my head. If it persists, the only weapon I have to check it out is a flashlight... no assault rifle under my bed... no tactical 12 gauge. Under my bed I used to have an old Louisville slugger bat I used when I played baseball in the first grade, but I'm not sure where I put that thing. Not worried about “bad guys.” Today when I came home and realized we had left two of our doors completely unlocked while we were gone... well, I didn't think anything of it. Still, seems I've had an aversion to the dark.

I think there is much correlation to struggles with “dark.” It's hard to know what to do, where to do when you're in complete darkness. Now I'm referring to the “dark” not so much as the absence of light, but I'm meaning the unknown, what cannot be seen or calculated, the unplanned, the scary... I think that is the real fear.  I think I've always carried a fear of that. I've always liked being able to plan things out. Feel like I've been blindly feeling around in some ways lately. Not positive, but think that fear might be losing some of its grip on me.  Will still keep a flashlight close by though.