Lately

Lately I've been home more than normal. Yet, for some reason I don't feel like I've played as much with my kids. Somehow the routine has been, “Get it done.” Seems strange that I've played less. Seems really sad.

At the same time I was just recently able to put to words something that has been happening in my heart... lately I've been grieving how Emmiline is getting so old. If you have experienced great grief from your kids aging, my heart hurts for you, but please don't try to minimize my grief because comparing your grief to mine doesn't help me. Not sure why we like to do that... Anyways, been really sad about how Emmiline seems so old. There's nothing within her that wants to play the old child-like games and activities. She'd rather hang out with the adults or just go read a book.

Today I chose to play. Emmiline wanted to rollerblade around in our cul-de-sac. As precious as she is, she is naturally not the most athletic. That's an understatement, but I'm trying to be gracious. Basically, “helping” her was an excuse for me to get her to hold my hand. Unfortunately, she's not interested in holding my hand these days... especially in public. As she awkwardly skated back and forth, while gripping my hand rather tightly, I felt like it represented my relationship with the Lord much of the time. As I awkwardly try to do life, I'm grateful that He holds onto me. Grateful that He does more than just sustain me... even when I seem uninterested and unaffectionate.... He never stops doing me good. Even when I was His enemy... He was doing me good.

Grateful that He cares about my grieving. He knows grief well, but He doesn't compare His grief to mine. He simply loves me in the midst of mine.