The Spirit supplied the Grace. I received and my heart rallied. I changed my mind. This was to be a good day... NO! A great one. This crazy girl was on the loose again. Watch out!
The day was rich and sweet. I enjoyed the blessings hidden around the corners. My heart and mind were in tune with the Spirit. I had wisdom poured into me by the wise, and I delighted in Advent activities.
Nana had come to give her love to the smalls.... and loved well she had... she always does. It was time for her to leave and time for Charli to finish eating and rest for the day. The youngest princess wasn't happy... furious is a better description.
This may seem comical to some. It is heartbreaking to me. Nothing like rejection from your child in front of your mother-in-law to make you feel like a TOTAL FAILURE. I can get over the humility of this situation... it's what came next that totally infuriated me and broke me. She started putting her hands in her mouth and flicking them... gagging herself... and then making herself vomit over and over again. All over me... all over her... all over the floor... in the sink and...
All over my shoes.
Of course I had been feeding her so those important calories were a wash... wasted... remember she is in a critical season regarding weight gain. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I am her mother, and she was clearly refusing me... not the first... and I am sure not the last. The thing that breaks me the most is that I don't blame her. I wouldn't choose me either.
For this child I have prayed... and prayed... and prayed... and I will keep praying. I want to be the kind of mother she wants. I want to be the kind of mother that honors the Lord... that reflects HIM... in all situations... in all seasons.
I got the mess cleaned. Nana left. I rocked Charli and prayed... mostly for myself. She needs to hear me cry out to God.
The other smalls and myself had Advent worship. I literally sang a song of brokenness and repentance. To my surprise my song prompted repentance regarding some hidden sin in my eldest princess. She confessed, and we feasted on forgiveness... together.
We read truth and the truth brought healing and comfort. His truth always restores. It always brings HOPE.
I remember the cross. I remember why. I remember my need. I am reminded that it's a burden spot. He offers me to lay them down... this is the easy part for me... the difficult... not picking them up again and again and again... so, so, so very hard. My backpack is heavy, and I often feel like I can shoulder the weight. I can't. I simply cannot.
You can have them, Father.... they are breaking me in ways that don't honor you. Help me to leave them.
Yesterday I found some hidden treasure in our garden... part of our fall plantings... I was filled with joy because I thought what had been sewn hadn't produced.
I was wrong... I am a lot. I should remember a good seed when tended by the Gardener always bears fruit. This season along with my last few have been very hard... and sad... but I am certain a good harvest is coming... even out of this season of tears, frustration and repentance. Like my cauliflower it may seem hidden but He is growing me.
Struggling with all the voices in my head... thankful for the young prince that comes to kiss my lips as I sing and lament. Thankful for the encouragement my princesses offer me. So thankful for eternal truth that changes EVERYTHING!
At this moment I am particularly thankful for Grace that is present here... for beautiful, small princess friends, for the Advent truth that helps me put one foot in front of the other and for....
A smiling beauty that uses Advent delights to sign out her love for her messy momma. She smiles. She instills joy... she blesses. She reminds me of the cost... the red that flowed so that the white could come and cover.
Cover me. I need thee.
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