The Pastor's Wife

This crumb will look a little different than the last few we have offered. This one is from my heart (Kelly.) It is a raggedy offering but it’s mine. I have not been a woman of silence in regards to this past year. I have been broken and restored in ways that I did not think were possible. I have learned many painful lessons and have seen hope displayed in ways like never before. Dan Allender says it best “If I had known in advance what this journey would require, I never would have signed on. However, I don’t regret for an instant the price it has exacted, when I consider what I have experienced, become, and am led to be.” This is me. I don’t really know what to say. My heart is broken in regards to our broken community. I am a woman who does not enjoy being in the spotlight for hard things and yet God continues to invite me to be a telling woman. I do know that He is the master storyteller, and He has given me a story worth sharing. I will be obedient to this even if no one is listening/reading. I will open myself up and let people press in. I will fight to stay open. It is a fight. I am tired. I still do most things wrong. I am more needy than ever…yes, apparently that is possible…As a friend reminded me, I am a God wrestler. I am fighting with a new name but it’s a bloody battle.

Adam and I have not been silent about our broken hearts not even with our children for they must learn to trust God with their stories and brokenness as well. As a mother my heart aches all the more that my journey has caused so much grief for their young hearts. I feel that they have processed more in their short lives than most of us. They too are invited to learn, struggle, fight, and dance. It is bloody for them as well. They have entered into grieving the loss of being with their community. My heart is so heavy even as I type this. They are already crying over missing the weekly times with their beloved friends. How do Adam and I walk this out? What makes the most sense? What is the healthiest decision??? I surely do not know but you better believe I am talking about my babies hearts with the Father. I am a woman who has and will continue to battle for her children, and yet I can rest in the love of the One who loves perfectly. Scary and freeing.

I have spent many days with my husband processing, crying, laughing, asking, crying and praying and processing some more. So much to talk about. I think our heads and hearts are about to explode. We have been very up and down. I have wrestled with this so much. You would think that after what we have been through this past year I would have the steadfast things mastered. I do not. I have been praying more and more for this as I long to be a woman of faith….I really do. I want to be a woman of unreasonable hope. I have realized that in order to be this and in order to offer this I must first need it. Clearly, God is allowing me to get my doctorate in the program of neediness and hope. I am not afraid, I am not bitter, I am not without hope. I actually have more hope than I have ever had. I am not super-spiritual woman. I am just a woman dancing with a limp to the tune of hope laughing and crying. I am broken. I am tired and wounded, yet He invites and so I DANCE ON.

I am not sure who will read this. I rest in the fact that it doesn’t matter. Adam and I want to be faithful to share all there is to share so that the Lord can use it as He so chooses, but, honestly, I think it is bringing healing to our house of hope. Better out than in, so I’ve heard. So we are taking the risk and fleshing it all out. We aren’t hiding. May God have all the glory and may He equip our hearts for what lies ahead. May we walk authentically and be inviters. It is His story after all.