Heavy-hearted

I just had “church” with my 3 year old son. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was rich to me. I have had a “heavy” day. God and I have had many conversations today. Mostly, I have just been asking Him questions and pouring out my heart. I don’t like that I don’t get immediate “feel good” responses from the Lord. It is quite clear that God is not a god of “feel good religion.” Sometimes I wish He was. Sometimes I just want to feel better. Most of the time I just don’t want to feel so sad or so afraid. I think I have shared before…..I am a woman that is greatly tormented by her thoughts. I feel like I can really relate to Martin Luther and how at the end of his life he literally went mad by what I would consider “over processing.” I talk to God a lot more than I used to. Sometimes I really feel like I hear Him. Often I struggle with silence.

I am 34 and still very lost in regards to living out communion with God. I am ashamed sometimes that I haven’t figured more out. You would think a pastor’s wife who’s been a full-time staffer herself would have it “figured out.” I don’t. In my flesh….I will most likely always desire sin’s pleasures over the painstaking process of dying to self. I am very sad about this, and I am begging God for more of Himself. Keep in mind that I would still like this on my terms. You know, maybe through some good worship or an amazing sermon, perhaps a new spiritual gift. The pattern I am seeing in my life is that God is revealing more of Himself to me, but it is through some of my dreams being shattered. Yes, I am desperate for more of God, but I am afraid of how He might choose to reveal Himself to my broken heart. I am well aware that I do not need to fear His perfect love….yet I stand and cling to fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things. I am sharing those things with God and others, and slowly He is opening my hands and revealing beauty that is… Christ in me…the HOPE of GLORY.

I have a lot to learn. I desire more. I am seeking. I am lost. I feel desperate, and yet I wait. Watching and waiting for more of the Master.

Thankful for the sweet and simple words I sang with Buddy tonight….”Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong….I am weak…but HE IS STRONG!”