Haunted

Today I searched at least 8 or 9 websites that are designed to help pastors find employment.  Of those 8 or 9 websites that seemed to have endless lists of opportunities… well, I saw one that looked like it might have some good potential.  One.  Really?  Obviously, the problem is not the churches or the positions available.  The problem is me.  What is wrong with me?  (other than the obvious)  There’s something insane about that.  I’ll continue to look.  My OCD brain will continue to process.  Sometimes I can’t turn it off.  Other times it’s like I can’t get it to work at all.

 Sometimes I’ve wondered whose side my brain is on…seems like it’s working against me a lot of times.  Seems it has a way of tormenting me.  “Haunted” is the best word I could come up with.  I’ve spent most of my life living something I call, “Guilt Management.”  You’d think I’m weirder than you already do if you knew the miniscule things I have guilted myself over.  Somehow in my messed up head I thought it was godly to cling to guilt.  What a great lie from the enemy!  That is not from the Lord at all.

Anyways, back to “haunted…”  You know how a thought or image often stays in your mind.  No matter what you do… it’s still there.  You can try to get it out, but good luck with that… it’s not gonna happen.  Well, my mind has been haunted lately…much, much more than normal.  Only this time the “haunting” is very different.  I couldn’t come up with a word to communicate being “haunted” by positive thoughts.  The thoughts that have taken deep roots in my mind and heart are words I have received from friends lately.  I’m on the good side of experiencing the power in loving life words.  I’ve experienced this before, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it near this extent.

I think I’ve said it before and meant it to some degree, but I can mean it fully now… losing my job was really worth it because of the love and support I have received.  That might sound crazy to you, and I might change my mind about that statement if I lose my health insurance and have no employment options.  However, for the moment, I am simply enjoying that so many people actually “got me.”  It’s an amazing thing for someone to “get you…” you know, understand how and why you are the way you are.  Not only that, but they enjoy and love you.  I think I’d like to do something different and invite you to join me.  Let’s speak these loving life words before something life-altering happens.  Let’s be willing to look awkward for the sake of loving well.