A blog?!? Really? I know. I hate blogs. Consider this something different. This is just how we (Kelly and I) want to share our story and invite you into it. Here is your warning though… it won’t be neat and tidy. It’ll be real and messy. If Kelly and I spent most of the day fighting, I’ll share that. If I’m struggling with being bitter, I’ll let you know. If I have nothing to say, I’ll say that (and nothing more). Maybe you’ve heard the expression, “You can’t polish a turd.” Well, we’ll just say that I’m not going to polish “this.” Sorry if the language offends.
Right now I’m sitting in the middle of awkward-land. I just recently lost my job as a pastor. This is awkward for countless reasons. When I was being let go, the very gracious pastors who oversee me spent much time praising my character, calling, gifts and contributions… they just didn’t see me as a good fit for where they’d like to see the ministry to go. Again, although they were and are very gracious, I sit with the feeling of inadequacy. There’s something that’s not adequate or sufficient within me to take it where they want it. I thought this was the one thing that I somewhat knew how to do.
Not only have I lost my job… well, I feel like I’ve lost my community. I know some relationships will continue, but many will slowly die. By no means did the church ask me not to return, but it just doesn’t seem to feel like home any more.
When I have tried to summarize “me” into one word, I usually gravitate to the word, “contradiction.” I know… not a good word for pastor, huh? Well, that’s me. I choose “contradiction” because I usually feel like I’m in the middle of a tug-of-war match between completely contradictory feelings and emotions. For example, since my termination, I bounce from peaceful and hopeful to deeply saddened and frustrated. I bounce from feeling free and excited to feeling depressed, deflated and fearful. How do I feel right now? Not a safe question to ask me because my answer might change in 5 minutes. I’m not bi-polar, but I have been dropping to lows much more quickly than normal… and it seems to take a lot longer to rebound too!
I do know I’m wanting to cling to hope. I do know that God is good. God is with me. God is all-powerful. However, I also know that those things do not guarantee that I will have an amazing job with great medical insurance in a month. Those promises don’t mean that greater levels of brokenness aren’t right around the corner. They simply mean that He is who He says He is. I should rest in that. It’s just really difficult to do.
ohmyword… i hadn't heard of this, adam {and kelly} and you already know i'm a tireless prayer warrior and will be waving your entire family before the Lord. praying fervently for all of your provisions {both physical and spritual} and that He will bless you and keep you as you cling so tightly to Him.
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Hey Adam, I know what it feels like to be happy one minute, and then all the sudden almost depressed the next. This one thing happened to me that got me very, very sad. So sad that my parents wanted me to go see someone like a doctor about it. And looking back at it, i think that it was a stupid reason to be so sad, but its in the past and that can't be changed. Well, at least not until there are time machines. But also looking back on it, i fought and fought to fix it. And that just put me farther away from my happiness and how i lived before the mess happened. What got me through in the short term was doing things to distract me. Like basketball (lots and lots of time by myself shooting), bro-time, time with my family, and alot of talking to people. But thats only for the short term. The truth is, is that its gunna be hard and theres not alot you can do to fix it for good. But time is there for a reason. Its gunna make it better. The more you just let it be the better you feel. Im gunna miss you, and i hope we can still play some ultimate or basketball. And even though its hard, it will just get better. And hopefully a job will open up at the church and you can take that.
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