Flying Solo

My better half, as they say, is out of town.  She rarely goes out of town.  In June alone I was gone for 17 days.  Grateful that she is able to get away for 48 hours, but I really miss her when she’s gone.  She’s easy to miss.

At the same time the house doesn’t seem to function very smoothly without her.  I love the time with the kids, but I’m not very good at the single dad thing.  God’s definitely made us differently.  Obviously, this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this.

All and all it’s been a really good day.  Between yesterday and today I’ve gotten to spend some great time with special friends.  My struggle is that as I fly solo I’m just not able to get much of anything done.  Don’t worry… I’m not taking it back to the inherent need to perform or the inaccurate view of identity being determined by what we do.  I’m just saying that I didn’t get much done to contribute toward anything.

One of my best friends texted me to see how today went without Kel.  I responded, “Good day.  Just didn’t get much done.”  He basically said, “Um, you contributed to the growth and development of your children.  If that’s all you ever get done (if it’s the only thing you ever get done) – it’s always plenty.”  It was a good word.  Seems it’s easy to lose sight of that when the grass seems tall or toys are covering the floor… it’s just too easy to lose sight of what matters.

I know God’s taught me these lessons in the past.  I’m just tired of forgetting them.  Seriously… could a few more things sink in deeper to my little brain?  I often wonder if I have some type of amnesia.  I usually forget about it shortly afterwards.  Need to invent some kind of pill that will help me remember things I’ve already learned.  Don’t want to have to learn those same lessons again through tough circumstances.  If I can’t make a pill that could help me remember what God's taught me, that would change everything.  Actually, that’s just not very realistic.  Maybe I could just get a flex capacitor offline.  I saw an old DeLorean at the Farragut parade this week.  Maybe I could borrow it for the future and return it in the past?  It’d be good to see old Doc Brown anyways.

I’m losing my mind.  Staying up too late.  Miss my better half.  She helps me make sense of myself.

Second guessing

I’ve mentioned before that on occasion (and by “on occasion” I mean every occasion) I can second guess myself.  Yes, it’s true.  On everything I do or say I can question whether I should have / could have done it better.  I can question whether I really sensed something from the Spirit, or maybe I completely made that up.  After ordering something at a restaurant I can second guess my order before the waiter / waitress has turned around. 

Little, sweet Charli (our 15 month old now!) has me second guessing myself right now.  Feeding her has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.  I know that sounds strange.  We’ll just say that when she was first released from the hospital she was on the edge of having a total oral aversion.  God prevented that; however, feeding her once she came home was truly one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life.  I’ll spare you the threats of major surgeries that were thrown at me as she struggled… I’ll also spare you the anger within me as I struggled with her unwillingness to eat.

Charli’s now on baby food.  She’s a little late on most things so she wasn’t actually introduced to food (other than breast milk) until after she was 1 year old.  Although she is the sweetest little thing ever, she’s got a lot of spunk and spirit to her.  Sometimes we’re really grateful for that (especially when we think about her days in the NICU fighting for her life), but we’re not as grateful for it when it’s feeding time.  Lately she has been eating really well.  Hard to explain what a relief this is.  When she takes a good bite of food, I say (in typical Daddy to baby talk), “Good job, Charli!”  Even though her only word is, “Da Da,” she understands that I’m praising her, and she loves it.  Her little face lights up, and she claps for herself.  It’s adorable.  (She’s only got two tricks… the sweetest handclap ever and a silly head shake.)  Anyways, neither of her two tricks grows old.  They’re always precious, cute and funny.  As I repeatedly say, “Good job, Charli!” I wonder a few things. 

Are we starved for affirmation from birth?  Am I praising her too much?  By praising her this much am I teaching her that it is crucial that she perform well to earn man’s applause?  Am I teaching her that she needs man’s approval for self-validation?  Without it… will she feel incomplete?  Does she think her standing with me is based on performance?  If not, will she think that?  Will she think how much she is loved is based on performance?

Maybe I’m slightly overthinking it, but I’m not sure that I am.  As I think back to my childhood I can remember the life given to me through words of affirmation.  Something within me sought with all my might to receive those words.  Achievement and recognition were “life” to me.  That’s not what scripture calls life.  When I actually achieved something and was given recognition, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I awkwardly played it down as if it didn’t matter.  As strange as it sounds, it felt uncomfortable.  Maybe the Spirit was stirring something with me that said, “There’s so much more.”  Or, maybe I’m second guessing for second guessing’s sake. 

Seems there aren’t as many answers as I would have thought.  I know God wants me to be okay with the wrestling, but that’s difficult.  Also makes it more difficult that God likes to work the way He likes to work.  Sometimes He speaks.  Sometimes He’s silent.  Sometimes He gives desire.  Sometimes He opens doors.  Sometimes He closes doors to increase our desire for doors to be open.  Not sure what to do.  Obviously, there’s no formula.  Maybe I shouldn’t live like there’s a formula then.

Anyways, for now, I’ll continue to second guess, but I can’t resist Charli’s sweet smile and clap.  I’ll keep baiting her until she gives me that combination of the simultaneous clap and beautiful baby smile.  It’s worth it.

It Starts Early

My son, Elliott, is 3.  He’s the perfect size to tickle, to tackle, to carry… to eat his belly… all the usual things.  Everything he says and does is cute.  Even better than all of that… I am his hero.  At least I was.  I was gone for 17 days in June.  Bud (that’s Elliott’s love name) didn’t like that very much.  He’s been punishing me since I’ve been back.  Little things.  For example, when it’s time to tuck him in for naps or bed, he quickly says, “Not you!  I want Mama to do it!”  It hurts.  I’m the official tucker.  I love tucking him in.  He knows that it hurts me.  I’ve tried little mind games in my defense.  I’ve said, “Well, I’m going to go tuck Charli in,” as I try to seem uninterested that he’s going to bed.  I’m really trying to bait him into saying, “Daddy, you can tuck me in too.”  I wait and listen for it, but I don’t hear it.  He’s frustrated with me, and I’m feeling that punishment.

I immediately ask myself, “Do I do this?  Do I punish people?”  Not sure why I even asked the question.  Before I could complete the question I knew for sure that I definitely punish people.  Sad but true.  I don’t want to do that.

It illustrates what I’ve been talking about a lot in the blog… relational sin.  I still commit behavioral sins, but I’m a relational sin junkie.  Little thoughts, comments, self-righteousness… it’s gross.  Seems we learn this at an early age.  Hope my awareness of it continues to grow.

On the positive side, my family went to the 4th of July Parade on Monday.  We go there every year.  It begins with an insanely loud helicopter that flies up and down Kingston Pike.  Then, the festivities begin.  The kids are really only there for one reason… free stuff.  It’s not even good stuff, but it’s free.  Something about collecting free stuff when other people are collecting it… well, something about that feels like a competition. 

When the first lady with candy came by, I watched as she walked right up to Eloise.  Eloise opened up her empty grocery bag, and the lady dropped a piece of candy into her bag.  Pure delight.  Seriously, free candy is always a great thing.  Then she and I realized that Elliott did not get candy.  This was urgent!  Eloise (also known as “Shorty”) ran after this Easter Bunny – like woman with her little basket of goodies.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t catch her.  Although Shorty didn’t even know I was watching, I saw her reach into her goody bag.  She took her one piece of candy out and gave it to our 3 year old son.  Let me say that 3 year olds are wonderful, but they’re normally not especially grateful.  She didn’t do it for the “thank you.”  She was motivated by selfless love.  Much of her life is motivated by that.  It’s weird, and it’s amazing.  I see great relational power in her.  It stirs desire in me to love better.

I’m grateful for the awareness of relational sin in my life, but I’m even more grateful for the reminder of the relational power I see in a simple act of love by Eloise.  I have never felt powerful in my life.  I’ve never been especially power-hungry in terms of moving up that metaphorical ladder of power and position.  However, I’m more aware now of the great power we have within us (through Him).  I’ve never raised the dead.  I’ve never cast out a demon.  I’ve never healed the leper.  But… in the context of relationships I (and we) are very powerful.  We have the ability to love and to serve.  That is power.  We have the ability to use our words to speak truth and to speak life.  That is power.  Think I’ve had a strange (non-biblical) idea of power for too long.

Now that I think about it I’ve never known anyone that’s demon-possessed.  Nor have I known a leper.  I do know a bunch of people who need to be reminded of truth… who need to be shown love.  Maybe God’s given me the appropriate power for my specific circumstances.  (If he were giving out other powers, I’d still pick flying as my number 1 choice though.)

pilgrim's progress

our raggedy start                  

 

 Sisters sharing Sabbath hopes

 being faithful to speak out and record

 Delighting in the wonder that is the Sabbath.  Expectant as we wait to see how the Lord might move in our hearts.  These are some of the words we long for our Sabbath to display.  After making our Sabbath board we landed on 5 Sabbath S's that we would like make a part of our weekly lives.    

                                  -Seek-Fight to Seek and Worship the Lord in new and fresh ways
                                           -Surrender-our plans, agenda, chaos..our norm unto the Lord

                                  -Share-our time, meals, laughter and life

                                  -Story-share our story with each other, speak life into one another,

                                   remembering that it's His story we are in.

                                  -Stop-cease, rest....savor unhurried time as we battle against chaos

Just baby steps.  It will take a long time for these practices to take root.  We haven't arrived but thankful for forward motion.

p.s. a grumpy woman is posting this...computer problems...lack of sleep...dirty flesh...

walk like an Egyptian?

Today is the Sabbath.  It is a day designed to bring rest and new life.  It is a day that is meant to be holy, different.   As Adam has mentioned we are discussing what the Sabbath might look like for the Vaughan family.  We have been living in disobedience in this area, partly, because of unawareness and partly because of sin.  We are also creatures of fear and creatures who ridiculously, like the Israelites, choose enslavement. 

I have lived in some form of slavery all of my life.  All are related to the sins of my flesh.  I don’t want to be a slave anymore.

Our culture is addicted to chaos.   We feel  the need to surround ourselves with busyness and noise.  We also buy into the lie that we must be available to all people at all times.  I hate both of these lies.

What is God’s heart regarding the Sabbath?  I am a baby on this journey.  I am thankful to say that I do not have the 7 steps to the highly effective Sabbath.  I do, however, sense that God is inviting me to enjoy, play, feast, invest, worship and rest and so much more.   Instead of resisting the Sabbath I want to anticipate it.  I want to view it as a weekly vacation from the chaos that is my life.

Our Sabbath should invite the world to recognize that we serve a Holy God, and our lives and weeks look very different from the worlds.  Right now, the Vaughans are just blending in.  I am sad that I haven’t been a light to the dark in this area, and I am convicted that I have been choosing to walk in disobedience.

It seems like many pastors and families think they have a “get out of jail free” card when it comes to observing the Sabbath.    After all, we have to work on Sundays.  Our children have asked us good questions about how pastors “do” Sabbath.  We have been disobedient.  Our children see it and so do we.

I don’t want to continue to choose chaos.  I don’t want to cry out for the hardships of Egypt because it’s familiar.    I don’t want to choose routine, fear, or busyness.   My God is not a taskmaster.   I am a slave no longer.  I want to celebrate that freedom.  I want to take the Sabbath gift and remember, recall and reflect what God has done, is doing and will continue to do. 

I want to Sabbath so well that my children long for it each week.  I want to create a “God-spaced margin.”  I want to imitate the character of God in my resting.  I am a woman that longs to honor and enjoy the Sabbath.  I am learning.

What is it that I feel like I can’t say no to?  Is it my work?  Is it my spending?  Is it my busyness or my agenda?   What is it that has such a grip on my heart or life that I cannot or will not Sabbath from it, and what am I declining in the midst of that?   I am asking myself these questions.   So much to learn….today the Vaughans motion towards the Sabbath.  I look forward to sharing what God is up to.

It feels a little scary to say “no” to what I know.  Routine is safe.  But, I am discovering that just like deep slumber is good for the body and soul so is resisting the urge to continue.  God meant the Sabbath to be a gift, a blessing and a day to honor the One who is worthy of our ceasing.   Excited for what God might have for us today as we desire Him more than slavery.

           Emmiline enjoying some Sabbath rest.....looks inviting to me...glad for a calm start to a Holy day.

                                                                                

Rat

Writing this blog has been such a healthy thing for my heart.  It’s functioned something like Jeremiah’s lamenting.  It’s really forced me to be so attentive to what God is saying to me… to what is stirring within me.  On my own I’m not that attentive.  The truth is that it is exhausting.  Truly.  So tiring.  It’s a good thing though.  Glad to be tired and hyper-attentive now than simply going through the motions brainlessly… completely unaware of what’s happening internally.

I’m still processing some of the same things I’ve mentioned before.  Kelly and I are still discussing them.  The two main things on my mind are still the Sabbath and the church.  What should the Sabbath look like?  What do I do with Hebrews 4?  When I say, “church,” I’m not referring to a specific church.  I just want to know what church should and could look like.  What does God want from me in terms of forming it (through Him in me)?  Much wrestling.

Sometimes I just need some time to be shallow.  Sometimes I just need time to play… time that’s seemingly meaningless (although it’s not).  Because of that I’d just like to share something very shallow that happened today.  Maybe I'm abusing that I have a platform to share it, but I'm doing it anyways. 

This morning I killed a rat.  I had seen it in the garage yesterday.  Not sure how it got there… probably a living chew toy of the neighbor’s predatory cat… only he got away.  I tried to get him yesterday.  Actually, I tried to make a snare with some scrap pieces of bamboo.  Somehow the rat disappeared.  I thought he had left.  This morning Kelly saw him again.  Fortunately, I caught up with him.  I smushed his head with a 2 x 4.  Then I carried him and tossed him to a place where I would no longer have to look at him. 

Yes, I killed an animal today.  As I’ve said before, I’m a wild man now.  Look out world.  Don’t mess with me.  Be extra careful if you see me carrying a 2 x 4.  I’ll apologize later.  Killing this rat is not a metaphor that I’m going to use to illustrate how God has been teaching me something.  I just wanted to share with you that I killed a rat.  That’s it. 

hide me

Today has been a day of exposure. It has NOT been a fun day. I spent most of my morning at the girl dr. I was there for over 3 hours mostly waiting. When I wasn’t waiting, I was answering a ton of questions. Questions I would’ve rather avoided. Because this was a new doctor they needed to get caught up on my history.

Lately, I seem to have a lot of history. I had to tell and retell my story to 4 different people. Each time I felt like my heart was being scooped out by a melon baller. One of the nurses was verifying my information and was confused so she dug a little further. She wanted to know about my son, Tucker. As I explained what happened I watched her write the word deceased on my form. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream, “ Hide me, this is so painful.” After more waiting and more sharing I had my exam. I have become a bit of a freak show since having triplets.  Everyone always wants to bring in other medical experts to “take a peek.” Now that Adam is unemployed I think I need to start charging a dollar or so every time they ask.

My new doctor and the other eyes examined my most humbling parts. Being completely stripped and naked feels humiliating. Humiliating=painful….please, hide me. I will have more of these visits to look forward to because my body has been crazy since having Elliott and the triplets. Yea me!
Although, I have been wholly seen and probed today the part that is being exposed the most is probably what lurks in my heart. My fear.

Fear along with many other things is an idol in my life. I don’t love it, but I can’t seem to do life without it either. Fear stirs up anger in me, anger and tears. Everything is so uncertain in my life. I hate the way I am feeling. I hate that I am angry with Adam simply because I need to be angry with someone. I grieve that I am not more loving and supportive. I want to stop grouching at my kids. I want to have more self-control. This feels so big today and painful. I would love to run away from my reality, but where would I go? The cry of my heart today is, “Lord, let me hide myself in Thee.” He’s all I’ve got. This may be the truth I know best.

Today, I’m feeling a bit raw. I think I am tired because I’ve been flying solo for so long while the hubs has been away. This morning just provided the opportunity for me to feel nakedness on both planes. I hate exposure. I do, however love the results…..healing, health, growth and life. But, honestly, today, I just want to hide. Please pray for me and my family as the Spirit leads.                
                


This picture reminds me that exposure is worth the risk...and that beauty comes with the light....