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| No, this is not a gag. It's a real candy bar. A very special gift. No, it was not directly from God, but indirectly it was. |
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| Yes, this is after eating the first 1/2 lb. piece. |
GP here tonight. Although the food isn't unusual, as a whole the day has been a very strange Christmas Eve for me. All started with a rough night. Still so tired from a full week and a late arrival on Thursday night (technically it was Friday morning). Anyways, tried to get some sleep last night. Didn't work out exactly as planned. One small fell out of his bed onto the hardwood floor in the middle of the night. I jumped out of bed so quickly when I heard the loud thump followed by intense crying... well, I responded so quickly that I was extremely dizzy and disoriented when I ran into Bud's room... so much so that I wasn't much good to him. I was just trying not to pass out.
Shortly later another small needed her Pop. Man, again, not what I had planned. Still glad I was able to be there for them in those moments. Body just struggling. Tired... and a few strange and extreme pains. Not sure what's going on. Not expecting it to last though.
Enjoyed some sweet Christmas celebrations last night and then again this morning. Glad to be with family.
Noticing I'm a little more grumpy than I should be about Christmas gift stuff though. The need to assemble, to download / sync / set-up, to return... all of these "needs" seem to be urgent according to requests of my little monkey heads... somehow all of these seem to reveal the grumpies already within me. They don't cause the sin... they just expose it.
On top of being grumpy... at the same time my heart is grieving and celebrating at the loss of a good man. My stepdad's father passed away yesterday morning. "Stepdad" just doesn't communicate it well. There are no negative connotations to the word when I use it personally. My mom's husband is a special man, and he's deeply loved by my family and I. His father passed away. We're celebrating that his father is no longer experiencing any pain. As the pastor put it... he's been given the greatest Christmas gift ever. He's in the presence of the Lord. The grief just comes as my heart carries sadness of loved ones being separated. This is a heavy load for my dear ones.
Kel described me as distant this afternoon. Couldn't disagree. On top of grumpy and sad... was being distant, which is really a kinder way of saying, "disengaged." Man, that's a painful word for me to wear. Don't like the feeling of that label. It hurts. It was true though.
Noticing my mind is all over the place. Deeply worried about my son's hearing. He's experiencing some very obvious limitations in his hearing abilities. Hoping it's temporary. Very concerned... normally I'm not much of a worry-wart. Still growing in my awareness of how I project onto Elliott the concern / worry of 3 boys. As if he still represents his two brothers that died nearly 21 months ago. It's like he's 3 people to my heart. Wondering if I'll always do this. Wondering how long my heart will grieve over Lincoln and Tucker.
My mind's all over the place. Worrying about other things as well. Need to remember my new mantra, "Do the best I can with what I've been given." Wanting to do my best... even after I'm feeling a little defeated from a failure.
Even after I realized what was going on in me... I lost it. Anger out of this world with Shorty. Won't even mention the offense. It was too trivial to share. At most she deserved a semi-frustrated, "Dad look" without words. I wish that was what I had given. The anger was ridiculous. Shameful of me. Yet felt fully justified in the moment. That's the extra scary part.
Much wrestling on Ridgegate today. No luchador mask needed. It is a House of Hope, but seems the hope is so strong because the neediness is so great.
Not what Christmas Eve should be about. As I prayed with Emmiline and Eloise tonight I just felt really grateful for a God who offers such forgiveness... such love... for a Father that does not fail.
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