Back in the groove

GP here... back home.  Got back last night.  Feels like I was away for a long time.  Feels so good to be home again.

Felt fun and exciting to be around snow... no one even panicked and emptied the grocery stores

Just felt good to be home and back into normal rhythms...

Bud reading the sports page

So grateful for a slower-paced morning.  I so enjoy a weekend paper... seems that Bud's developed that same love.

Kel led our family in a very sweet worship time.

As Bud realized that we were entering into a time of worship he did what he always does...

Bud was on the hunt... looking for anything resembling a musical instrument.  Desperately wanting to contribute, he gave it his all.  It was a little crazy... Although you see a drum in the picture, this time he chose not to use the drum.  Maybe he felt it was too predictable.  He banged his xylophone with two different maracas.  From there moved on to a toy, electric guitar that plays pre-set tunes.  Not sensing he had achieved exactly what he wanted, he moved to a hollowed wooden flute.  Trying his hardest... still somehow it seemed much like noise more than music.

To be completely honest, I'm really feeling a lot like Bud these days (especially in terms of my new position at the Vineyard).  I am the new guy... feel like I should just have, "New Guy," on a name tag I wear around all the time.  I feel like the one who doesn't know as much as every else.  I feel like the guy that isn't really "contributing" a whole lot yet.  At the same time I'm dying to be a part of what's happening!

Wish I could say that I've greatly matured in the last month or two... but I'd be lying.  While I was in Dayton, I worked like a three-legged sled dog.  The staff didn't put this pressure on me.  I put it on myself.  If I was awake, I was trying my best to be working.  I'm not sharing that to get praise for a strong work ethic.  The truth is that I'm revealing it to expose my insecurities as the new guy.  My mind worries about thoughts other staff "might be" thinking.  Truth is, they're too busy to be thinking about me!  Yet, I definitely pushed myself until I'm actually feeling quite sick (physically).  At the same time I don't initiate to my bosses how much I worked... it's like I'm waiting to be asked... even then I know I'll try to speak in generalities.  Man, I'm very strange.

Reminds me of my obsession with academic performance in high school.  I never told my dad what grades I made.  I didn't even set the report card out for him to see.  I just waited for him to ask me.  At the same time I pushed myself as hard as I could to make sure I performed as highly as possible.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong in striving to do your best in school or a job.  I'm just saying I've got some things that are pushing me that are not healthy.

Sad that I'm still playing a version of mind games.  Wishing my motives were different.

Trying to remember truth.  Still wrestling.  Very tired from the wrestling.