in rare form

It is a seriously rainy day today... it is a repeat of yesterday.  The rain is good, it provides, nourishes... still I'd prefer the sunshine.  It's not my call, so I will try and see the beauty in the soak and be thankful.

This morning Charli has a weight check.  We have been scurrying about so that Pastor could get her there on time.  Charli is a wild animal today.  She is in rare form... even for her.

She is full of passion.  As she sat in her red highchair all she wanted to do was bark orders at anyone who came near.  Eloise is always willing to accommodate... Pastor's wife... not so much.

As the barking continued on and on... all we could do was laugh...

such big orders from such a small fry!  So certain of what she wants and who she wants to receive it from...

easily confused and frustrated when we don't comply in a timely manner.  You would think she would forget after awhile... get distracted... move on... but she doesn't... she reaches on with passion.

It's as if she is saying... "I will press on,  I will succeed in getting what my heart desires."  I admire her spirit.  It speaks to me... when I am not tying to discipline it... of course.

"I am not going to be quiet!" she exclaims.  I will not be silent.  I will keep asking and crying out.  Oh... yes!  I know about this.

This is me.  Charli is me.  I am that little girl... crying out with my strong, small hands signing for MORE!

I will not be silenced.  I will not give up.  I will not stop asking.  I want more of HIM.  The cries of the desperate will not go unheard.  They always receive.  It may come in nibbles like cocoa puffs or little objects to love on.  It may come as a result of thunderous cries or tiny whispers.  I may have to wait in my red seat with patience that stretches... but the desire for more of God will be met.  

He is meeting me in my expectations.  The answers are coming... though often not according to my timetable.  I am savoring my nibbles and the longing intensifies.  As I receive, I reflect Charli again... joy abounds in me.

In my desire... I too can be demanding, impatient, prone to anger, frustrated, hurt and in rare form... but I,  like the smallest warrior in my home, will not give up.  I will cry on and wait in the knowing that He will meet me... ALWAYS...

even now... as I process the sad news that Charli only gained 3oz and has to see the doctor... I'm...

waiting...

hoping...

crying out..

expecting...

IN RARE FORM TODAY! 

Without a Voice

No, I'm not referring to someone who is oppressed.  It's not a metaphor.  Literally, I'm without a voice.  Been struggling with some sickness, and the symptoms have manifested themselves in different ways.  My voice is gone.  One family member teased me that I sound like I need a voice box.  Afraid he was right.

Although I do not have a voice (or voice box), I'm wanting to be more attentive to His voice.

As Kel and I enjoyed special time together yesterday, one thing she said to me really stood out.  Having to be away from each other... well, it stinks.  It's very different for the two of us though.  While her life is made busier by my absence (and it's very full when I'm present)... well, my life feels weird and incomplete because of the lack of presence of my family... very sad.  She's too busy to have much time for sad.  This doesn't hurt my feelings.  I completely understand what she's saying.  I communicated over coffee yesterday that I was ready to drop the price of the house a lot... ready to just take a major loss because I just want us to be together.  It's not the drive.  Driving to and from Dayton is not a bad drive.  It's probably longer than the normal commute, but it's not a hard drive.  It's the time away from each other.  Kelly's perspective is what really stood out to me.  She shared that she believes that God's got us in this season for a reason.  He's up to something.  Let's not miss it.  Let's look for it... listen for it.

That perspective and attitude... well, it is so refreshing and encouraging.  It changes my perspective completely.  Brings more hope.  Brings more peace.

Kelly and I love to ask, "What's God up to?"  Seems sometimes I forget to ask myself that.  So grateful for her attentiveness to the Spirit and her hunger for more.

good day...

ahhh...
Today has been such a good good day.  I feel the moments slipping away like sand through my fingers.  I try to grasp tightly but on it slips.

This morning, Pastor surprised me with a birthday day.  I know it must seem like the eternal birthday.  But...  from the woman that has had the eternal newborn/ Charli... I say..."yes... and... more please."  I didn't know what to expect so it was nice to just roll.  I don't often do that well.  Today, I was up for the challenge.

The kids were taken to a very special, generous, and loving caregiver.  I had some moments alone... a rich treasure in itself.  When Pastor returned, he informed me that we were going to have unhurried time at Starbucks... a never for us... and then we would tootle around.  I was very excited and expectant.

We got to a VERY crowded Starbucks... we redeemed our gift card and waited for a cozy nook.  Pastor came prepared which is always the real gift.

He came with his yellow list, folded and tucked in his pocket.  These are my favorite.  A list of heart questions for us to connect over.  I must confess.  I am addicted to these.  I can't get enough of the intentional.  It makes me feel so very loved.

As we shared unhurried heart time the Spirit made his presence known in radical ways.  From our conversation about the sell of our...

To being agents of the Spirit's work by choosing to be a people of...

Pastor and I... dancing hearts in Starbucks... sipping lattes like grown-ups... Spirit guiding Pastor and Pastor leading me.  It was a new dance but it was exhilarating.  I can't wait for my next lesson.

God continued to bless through divine appointments with unknowing baristas and prophetic words spoken to past students.  Starbucks was full of the Spirit today.  I wonder who else felt it?  What a good day.

As we tootled on we continued our dialogue.  I soaked it in.  My husband is a GREAT listener which is a great quality to receive... especially if you are like me and talk too much.  He listens because he loves me.  He listens because he cares and most importantly, he listens because he believes in the Spirit's movement within me... another gift.

At one of our pit stops I was taught something... it wasn't really new information, but there was something in the joyful, matter of fact, way it was spoken forth.  As we entered this humble place of business the worker called out to an exiting customer... a blessing... "Have a good day."  The response of the teaching one was simple... "Everyday is a good day!"  Man, that hit me right in my gut... all I could do was respond like a bobble-head, plastic toy... quirky smile on my face and a head shaking up and down without ceasing.

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Everyday is a good day!  I don't have to have quiet moments in my home, star-struck moments in Starbucks,  "yellow-Kelly" lists for it to be a good day.  My heart should cry that everyday is a good day.  Oh... would that be so true in my life that I can respond in earnest,  like this prophet of truth.  For no doubt he holds the TRUTH in his head and heart.  We serve a God that is always doing GOOD... ALWAYS!

As I type this I am sitting in a different spot.  I am sitting in Pastor's seat... this is my view.

I am growing rather fond of this big monster.  I am thankful for all the trinkets that adorn this tree that whisper memories of past, good days... so many!

As I continue to learn... and that process is slow and unending... I sense God smiling and saying... "Kelly, everyday can be a good day... EVERYDAY!"  "Whether your day is filled with light bringers that help feed more than just your soul...

or if it's just you, Me,  a tree and a small light... it will ALWAYS be enough to be a good day."

Isn't that true?  Him, me, a life bearing tree and His light everywhere.  Isn't that MORE THAN ENOUGH?  Yes!!!  But...

The problem is it's still an invitation... and an invitation that I could quickly decline tomorrow when I am scurrying around doing home school, feeding a little princess that may refuse to eat... where a million "Momma's?" are around every corner...  the house is a wreck, Pastor broke something and I find boogers on my wall, AGAIN.... what will I say then?  It's easy to say "good day" when all is going my way.  I want to say it and mean it when the day is swishing in the toilet sea and covered in my tears.  I am not there today, but I am one step closer than I was yesterday.

And, in the midst of my learning God has given me Pastor... who has the supernatural gift of seeing beauty in the mess... messy ole me.  

He invites me to rest in the beauty I so often don't have eyes to see.

God has graciously allowed me to walk another day, and I am sensing He may just let me have a few more.  I want to let my light burn so brightly for HIM... I want it to light up ALL the dark places even my own!  With ALL that I am... I want to reflect the Light-Giver like the reflection of a beauty-filled face in a window.  His face always inside me and behind me... calling out for me to shine.  I want to reveal His heart by bringing HOPE to the needy and being a constant reminder to a broken and lost generation that....

EVERYDAY WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE LIVING GOD IS A GOOD DAY... 

don't know HIM?  Ask!  I would love to share more!

Dying to Live... 

to make this life count...  

before the light is BLOWN OUT!

Back in the groove

GP here... back home.  Got back last night.  Feels like I was away for a long time.  Feels so good to be home again.

Felt fun and exciting to be around snow... no one even panicked and emptied the grocery stores

Just felt good to be home and back into normal rhythms...

Bud reading the sports page

So grateful for a slower-paced morning.  I so enjoy a weekend paper... seems that Bud's developed that same love.

Kel led our family in a very sweet worship time.

As Bud realized that we were entering into a time of worship he did what he always does...

Bud was on the hunt... looking for anything resembling a musical instrument.  Desperately wanting to contribute, he gave it his all.  It was a little crazy... Although you see a drum in the picture, this time he chose not to use the drum.  Maybe he felt it was too predictable.  He banged his xylophone with two different maracas.  From there moved on to a toy, electric guitar that plays pre-set tunes.  Not sensing he had achieved exactly what he wanted, he moved to a hollowed wooden flute.  Trying his hardest... still somehow it seemed much like noise more than music.

To be completely honest, I'm really feeling a lot like Bud these days (especially in terms of my new position at the Vineyard).  I am the new guy... feel like I should just have, "New Guy," on a name tag I wear around all the time.  I feel like the one who doesn't know as much as every else.  I feel like the guy that isn't really "contributing" a whole lot yet.  At the same time I'm dying to be a part of what's happening!

Wish I could say that I've greatly matured in the last month or two... but I'd be lying.  While I was in Dayton, I worked like a three-legged sled dog.  The staff didn't put this pressure on me.  I put it on myself.  If I was awake, I was trying my best to be working.  I'm not sharing that to get praise for a strong work ethic.  The truth is that I'm revealing it to expose my insecurities as the new guy.  My mind worries about thoughts other staff "might be" thinking.  Truth is, they're too busy to be thinking about me!  Yet, I definitely pushed myself until I'm actually feeling quite sick (physically).  At the same time I don't initiate to my bosses how much I worked... it's like I'm waiting to be asked... even then I know I'll try to speak in generalities.  Man, I'm very strange.

Reminds me of my obsession with academic performance in high school.  I never told my dad what grades I made.  I didn't even set the report card out for him to see.  I just waited for him to ask me.  At the same time I pushed myself as hard as I could to make sure I performed as highly as possible.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong in striving to do your best in school or a job.  I'm just saying I've got some things that are pushing me that are not healthy.

Sad that I'm still playing a version of mind games.  Wishing my motives were different.

Trying to remember truth.  Still wrestling.  Very tired from the wrestling.

stuck

Today I have been stuck.
Stuck... Not in a bad way... though some of the ways have been costly... most of them were pretty sweet... like this spot...

We hang this kissing ball every year in our home.  Our kids love to say that we are stuck if we pass under, and then we have to wait for someone to rescue us with a sweet kiss.  

This afternoon as I walked under with Bud... he quickly reminded me that I was stuck, and I would need a rescuer.  He was happy to help his momma out...

And she was so, so, so happy to receive.

This might be my new favorite spot... I need to get stuck here more often.

I felt stuck in another way... in a way that exposed some places in my heart.  We recently got rid of our fridge, and my mom kindly offered to let us use hers.  Pastor has been gone so we enlisted the help of my precious father-in-law and my brother.  As I waited for the delivery I was very aware... painfully aware of the sacrifice these two men were making on my behalf as well as their families.  I felt stuck... stuck because I keep finding myself in positions of need... the needs are met, and I want to repay.  I hate debt... I hate owing.  Neediness makes me feel all hot and bothered.  It makes me feel afraid.   It seems God still has much to teach me about neediness and the body.

What I didn't expect was how He would bless me in the waiting.  My girls and I had unhurried time with their Papaw, and I sensed God's presence... good conversation was had by all... conversation that would not have been if I hadn't been needy.

And, as the two men worked... Young Pastor- Brother and Papaw... I received the blessings of servant hands.

Hearts that choose to be available.  Bodies that lend and lift.  Hands that teach this old heart.  I want to serve like this.  I want to be like these.

I've been studying a lot lately.  God keeps showing me things that honor him... from the lesson plans of the lives I love...  I see... and I hunger to learn.  Learning is a gift... especially when you get to learn from your family.

Stuck... it seems I can get stuck in the sweet and the sticky... but, I am seeing I can receive in both.  I can learn in both... I can love in both.  Both can be used to shape me in ways that bring Him glory... and that is what I long for...  whether I am dealing with the hidden parts of my heart that need exposing or just stuck under the kissing ball, with a handsome prince in my arms.

a new song

It's official.  I am 35... at least until I forget again.  My brain is not great with numbers.  I will blame it on the extreme trauma my body has endured over the last several years.

My birthday was sweet.  It had some highs and lows but overall... I had eyes to see many beautiful gifts.  I would love to share a few...
Many beautiful life words were offered to me
My children surprised me with breakfast in bed
Charli ate well... her gift to me... and, she enjoyed bites from an allergen-free grilled cheese from Earthfare... a first... and no puke... huge blessing!
Surprises from friends
Fresh fruit
Gifts that celebrated me, my children here, and the ones dancing with Jesus

Hope reminders
Public praises from Pastor from far away
Tears
a serving and blessing Mommy
a birthday walk
little hearts focusing on Advent
really... way too many to list... I know, I am blessed...
well, maybe one more...
my raw ice cream sundae... Happy Birthday to my tummy...

As I reflect on my day yesterday I recall two things that really stand out.  The first is an answer to prayer.  On the eve of my 35th birthday I asked something of my Good Daddy.  I asked Him to give me a new song.  I used to lead worship all the time.  I haven't felt God asking me to do this for years now.  The past few weeks I have felt a stirring... so I asked.  Give me ears to hear your song.  I want to sing it with the angels... here... while I am on earth.  So... on my birthday morn I grabbed my guitar, and I poured out a love offering to the Lord.  You will never find this song on the top 10 charts or even youtube, but it was a beautiful time between a daughter and her Kind.  Ahhh... what a gift it was to Him, indeed! But, it was one that I received too.  No flash, no perfection, just a longing heart, a guitar, fumbling fingers, tears and some small gatherers that chimed in as well.  My heart is heavy with thankfulness as I recall that gift.  I am changed by it.  The gift I wanted more than anything is the one that I got.  I SENSED GOD'S NEARNESS... and, I sensed Him in my affection-filled praise.

The second was almost as equally as touching.  It started with reading a card from my earthly daddy.  I was expecting just a traditional, generic "Happy Birthday, " but when I opened the card his words touched my fragile heart and brought life.  I ended my evening with my Daddy and I messaging back and forth on Facebook.  He shared the past aches of his heart and offered encouragement for mine.  We feasted on truth and shared affection for one another.  He was very present.  No joking.  No diversions... just an available and willing heart offering his crumbs of experience to his hungry, sister-daughter.  I ate and left full.  I sensed his heart for me, and it was a rich gift.  I never question his love for me.  He tells me all the time.  But, last night, I felt delighted in.  That is something I question... I know I am loved by many, but my heart longs to be delighted in... especially by my Daddy... both of them.

So, I didn't have a giant surprise party... good things since I didn't shower... no birthday cake, no candles to blow out... but, I had better.  This year for my birthday, I was filled with gifts... a house full of love and small touches, a bounty of kind words and actions... hope brought its gifts, laughter was alive... and,  words from a loving daddy were bestowed and received.  Best of all... this 35 year-old princess sang a new song with passion that had been quiet for some time.

And, the beautiful thing about this song is that I don't have to wait until next year to enjoy it again.  I CAN and WILL sing it for forever... until this forever translates to the next.  I will use this voice for His purposes "on earth as it is in heaven," until I get there... looks like I am one year closer.

Thanks for loving on me... singing still...

A Special Day

Today is a very, very important day in history.  No, this is not a lead into the mention of random, silly holiday.  According to the "validated" calendars, December is the following (to list a few):  Root Vegetables and Exotic Food Month, National Write a Business Plan Month, National Tie Month... and Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day, Day Without Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, etc.  I'm not talking about those things.  Today is an extremely special day.

Some things change... hair-styles, clothing, etc.

Kel's beauty does change... it continues to increase!!!  Don't be fooled, this was not taken almost 14 years ago when we got married!  This picture is about a year old!

Yes, today is the day I celebrate my precious wife's birthday.  Continuing with the patterns in my life, experiencing conflicting feelings simultaneously.  So, so, so grateful for my wife.  There is no one on the planet like her, and I mean that in the most positive way possible.  At the same time my heart's really struggling that I'm over 300 miles away from her.  Aware that her life has continued in the same routine today... aware that she's continued to serve all day (every day) without a break... aware that her special day was probably not so special.  That really makes me sad.

As I'm separated from her I think of her all the time.  Seems I catch myself telling everyone who's willing to listen about my wife and kids.  Today I've been thinking even more than normal about her.  Below are a few words that have come to mind when thinking about Kel.

beauty
visionary
relentless
discernment
creative
beauty
deep
resourceful
wisdom
giving
serving
Spirit-led
authentic
committed
loving
challenging
beauty
faithful
genuine
truth speaker
funny
unique
hungry
beauty
teacher
worshipper
worship leader
capturer of memories
gifted
giver of life
beauty...


I've struggled with these words because I just can't communicate it well enough... these words are a feeble attempt to capture a multi-dimensional, complex beauty.  One I pray to become more like.

In the last two or three days I've caught myself telling parts of my story quite often.  I share the how's and when's and where's of my ministry positions.  Those stories are incomplete without the mention of Kelly... so they've all involved her.  One story I've told several times...when Kelly and I got engaged, I was working full-time as an intern at Cedar Springs Presbyterian (October 1997).  She said, "I'll marry you, but promise me that you won't move me away from my family for at least two years!"  If you know me, I'm slow to process.  I like to think things through for a long time... so much so that I've driven many people crazy.  However, this time I didn't even need a nano-second to decide this.  The answer to her request was a rare instance that I knew my response immediately.  In my mind I thought, "If you'll marry me, I'll live anywhere you want!"  Not sure exactly the words I communicated, but that was my heart's cry then... and I mean it more than ever today.

Kelly, I love you more than ever.  You're more beautiful today than you've ever been.  I deeply love you and respect you.  Thank you for being you.  It's more than enough.