Lately

Lately I've been home more than normal. Yet, for some reason I don't feel like I've played as much with my kids. Somehow the routine has been, “Get it done.” Seems strange that I've played less. Seems really sad.

At the same time I was just recently able to put to words something that has been happening in my heart... lately I've been grieving how Emmiline is getting so old. If you have experienced great grief from your kids aging, my heart hurts for you, but please don't try to minimize my grief because comparing your grief to mine doesn't help me. Not sure why we like to do that... Anyways, been really sad about how Emmiline seems so old. There's nothing within her that wants to play the old child-like games and activities. She'd rather hang out with the adults or just go read a book.

Today I chose to play. Emmiline wanted to rollerblade around in our cul-de-sac. As precious as she is, she is naturally not the most athletic. That's an understatement, but I'm trying to be gracious. Basically, “helping” her was an excuse for me to get her to hold my hand. Unfortunately, she's not interested in holding my hand these days... especially in public. As she awkwardly skated back and forth, while gripping my hand rather tightly, I felt like it represented my relationship with the Lord much of the time. As I awkwardly try to do life, I'm grateful that He holds onto me. Grateful that He does more than just sustain me... even when I seem uninterested and unaffectionate.... He never stops doing me good. Even when I was His enemy... He was doing me good.

Grateful that He cares about my grieving. He knows grief well, but He doesn't compare His grief to mine. He simply loves me in the midst of mine.

good things

 You've heard me say it before but it's worth repeating....good momma's and daddy's want good things for their children....It brings delight in our hearts to SEE THEM...to bless them.

When I was in California I was blessed with many opportunities....ones that have forever marked me.  I got to buy something special for this young princess.  I got to buy her a cookie.

It may not sound that great to you, but it was HUGE for me....it was HUGE for her.  Emmiline has had severe food allergies since birth.  Her diet has been very rigid since about age 3.  She has been very isolated in the world of food.  Most of the things kids eat every day she has never tried.  This isn't all bad, and each day I see more and more what the unwanted gift of food allergies has brought into our home.  Anyway, while away, a dear sister pointed out one of her favorite cookies...it was a GIANT cookie made with WHOLE ingredients and all ingredients Emmiline could have.  I could hardly believe it....no egg, no dairy, no soy, no nuts....no garbage?   I was going to get my child her first-bakery style cookie from a store.  I was giddy!

I was full of joy as I purchased it....super cautious as I packed it....very secretive as I tucked it away at home until the right moment came....I wanted it to be special.  I wanted to bless her with a cookie date.

My heart is full even now as I see that smile.  It blesses to know that I was able to give sweet, good, whole things to this little one that would bring such joy and life.  

She was so proud....so excited.  She couldn't wait to rip into the package and feast on that giant piece of cookie-heaven.  She unwrapped it....I got out a fancy plate...we warmed it up...and she enjoyed.

Even with all my learning, trying, and pouring my heart into baking for her.. nothing could compare with this cookie.  This was the best cookie she had ever had.  She broke it apart piece by piece, she surveyed the gooey, she wore a chocolate-stache, she mmmmmm'd, and she savored.  I soaked in every grin, every delight, every doughy bite enjoyed by my princess.  It was rich.   She had a cookie feast and I had a feast of joy.

I am so so so thankful I got to bestow such a good and fun gift for my Lu.  Today, this really speaks to me.  As I look at these pictures with my tear filled eyes....I think about my Good Dadddy.  I think about His heart for me and His children.  He delights in surprising, giving, seeing, watching, blessing, and bestowing life giving treasure.  He waits for perfect timing, and then He watches with tears of joy as we savor His goodness.

When nervous thoughts come upon me...as they often do.....I want to remember these pictures.  I want to remember the joy I have in giving Good Things to my smalls.  I want to rest in the fact that He is so much better...so much more creative...so much more intentional...so much more loving...so much more....EVERYTHING!  In this I have great JOY...in this I have great HOPE.  No matter what tomorrow may hold for me, my family, our world....we have a God that loves with a furiously-tender love that desires GOOD THINGS....ALWAYS...for His people!  Thankful for a GOOD and PLAYFUL God that blesses....even with cookies....GOOD THINGS!

and the greatest of these......

This picture will look strange if you don't know the context.  It was a picture taken by Emmiline during a faith-building time at our home.  Shorty, as we love to call her was totally moved.  Her eyes poured out her heart.  At the time I didn't know why she was crying.  I was a little confused so later I asked her, "Why the tears?"  I was shocked at her answer.  In her 7 year-old way she simply expressed that she was just so moved by what had happened...she said, "I just thought it was so cool."  Those words will forever bless me.  Eloise has great FAITH and a million questions.  I often check-in to see what is stirring in her little body.  Today, was one of those days.  She thought about my question, and answered in great honesty some fears she had been struggling with regarding her 5 year old cousin's health.  It was a great opportunity to remind her about intercession and for us to pray together.  Her FAITH is growing and is teaching my FAITH is growing too.  She spurs me on in many ways, and God is using her to increase FAITH in our home.

As we continued our conversation about her cousin she asked a simple question...."What if this procedure that was so costly brings no answers????"  I said in earnest...."then we cry out to God...we pray, and we rest knowing our God is good, and He can be trusted."  I said, "How does that make you feel?"  Again, totally shocked by her answer, she just looked at me and grinned and said "hopeful."

I've been stirred by a lot lately.  In the stirring comes some fear.  As I begin to dream deeper dreams and hope for things not yet revealed...the risk increases.  I am vulnerable.  I desire...they are good desires...but they may not be HIS best for me.  If I am honest, I have to confess, it shakes me.  As the ache grows so does the risk....will I shrink back simply because I do not see as He sees?   As I talk to my Daddy-God I want to be anchored in HIS good LOVE...I know HIS heart for me....may I be a woman at rest because of that LOVE.....

May I learn to grasp how high, how deep, and how wide is the LOVE my Daddy has for me....for all His people...  He has proven Himself faithful.  He is my Good Shepherd.  Who else is always doing me good?  I am incapable of conceiving this kind of perfect love...so I cling to Faith, grip on to Hope and keep my eyes fixed on His love so that my anchor holds firm no matter what the day at sea may bring.

And today, Eloise is the teacher and I choose to learn about FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE....and as she pours out, I am reminded of another truth...the greatest of these is LOVE....May I rest in it!   PRECIOUS CHILD-TEACHER!  The momma- blind leading the daughter- blind and vice versa.....and... a Daddy's vision that can be trusted for all.  

Wanting to find rest in the arms of the  greatest....my Daddy's unfailing LOVE which often comes through the hands of the small......

Interesting Day

Man, cannot believe it is the 13^th of September. What happened? Where did the time go?

Interesting day. Going through regular life. At the same time always in the back of my mind is the thought, “What's gonna happen?” Not sure if I'll be offered the job in Ohio. Not sure what I'll end up doing in the near future.

Was able to visit my sweet niece in the hospital today. Grateful for positive surprises in her recovery today. CT scan was perfect, and she stood up on her own. Man, truly miraculous.

Although it may seem small and insignificant, the next item on my grateful list from today also really touched me. Emmiline was telling me about a context she saw in her National Geographic Jr. It involved an essay and photograph, but if she won... well, she won what we would call the jackpot. She'd win an all expense trip that could be described as an adventure expedition in Montana. It would include all kinds of exploring and hiking. When she told me about this prize, she said that if she won that she'd want me to go with her. Initially, I was very blessed by her words. As I thought about them more and more, the blessing seemed to grow greater and greater. The reality is that she hasn't won anything. She hasn't even applied to win. She didn't give me anything... except the gift of a invitation to join her into a dream. Man, such a great gift.

Still living the dream. Many gifts. Many blessings. Trying to notice them more often. Desperately not wanting to miss the present because of curiosity and anticipation about the future. Wanting to notice the here and now. Not as easy as it sounds though.

from the MRS.

As I approached the weekend, I was full of wonder and full of REST....this was a supernatural gift.... and a call to remember that God has not called me to be a fretful daughter...

As we got closer to Vineyard, we paused to fill our bodies and remember the call to fight to be WHOLE not just physically...not just spiritually....

Thankful for time with Pastor.  Time that was hurried but not frantic.  Time that was deep but not always full of conversation.  Time of dreaming together and processing.

Glad for surprises along the way.  Thankful for a (speedy)  fun stop and health we can afford....

It was a good distraction as we were just minutes away from our first encounter....What does GOD have for us?  What does God have for me????  I came expectant....

As we pulled up we didn't know what to expect.  I could tell nothing from the outside....but, as soon as we entered....God began to speak....

He spoke so many things..."dream....hope....I am here...I am everywhere...fight for my bride....you can learn...you have things to offer because of me....trust...rest...offer...risk...engage...don't give up....I am good....I am good....I am good.....I delight in you....I am your Daddy....I want GOOD things for my children....be expectant....do not be afraid....fix your mind on what is true....be willing to bless...do not just seek me in your circumstances....SEEK ME IN EVERYTHING, and I will be found by you....I CAN'T STOP DOING YOU GOOD....do you trust me?"

Lot's of wondering going on.  Lot's of dreaming in the early morning hours.  I have no idea what God is up to....resting in knowing He is up to something beautiful and knowing it will bless not just me but my entire family....

Our time was so full of good fruit....so full...thinking of one of my life songs this morning..."Where you go I go..What you say I say....What you pray I pray....these are the cries of my heart...as easy as it is to for me to choose fear....ultimately, I so want MORE OF THE LORD....and that is what I want most...because I have tasted and seen.....

that the FRUIT OF THE LORD IS GOOD...and I am hungry for more....whether that's at "a pretty good church" in Ohio...

or somewhere else...I will continue to fight to be a dream maker.  I will spur Pastor on.  I will cling to what is true...I will remember WHO's I am....I will HOPE...because at the end of the day HE is my HOPE, and He is my WAY MAKER....who do I have but HIM?  

Waiting will be hard but we have had no shortage of that around here....another opportunity to trust and grow...another opportunity to need...more familiar things...

Today, this is where the MRS. lives

Back from Ohio

Well, we are back from our trip. As I process my thoughts from my weekend, I also remind myself why we even started this blog. Fully aware that we haven't accomplished our goals perfectly well, but still wanting to hold true to the initial purposes. Purposes: Wanting to try to be authentic. Wanting to invite others into authenticity (not that I have it mastered). Wanting to “hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess.” Wanting to invite others into more hope... there's always room for more hope.

Long story short... loved the church in Ohio. Loved the staff. Loved the lay leaders. The church actually has two campuses. Attended services at both campuses. Loved both of them. The church seems to radiate humility. It's so inviting. The heart of the church... amazing. Like all churches it has areas that it needs to grow, but it's very honest about those areas up front.  The position seems very challenging for me, but I would love the opportunity.  

I would like to have the position. Wanting to be honest about this hope and desire. There are two other candidates. Have no idea if I am the right candidate for this job. Realize that by hoping (and communicating the hope out loud... “virtually”), well, I could be setting myself up for greater disappointment. Aware of that, but choosing to hope. Not wanting the fear of disappointment to keep me from hoping.

Will be at least a couple weeks before I know anything. Grateful for prayers.

Ohio

This morning my bride and I drove out of Knoxville through Kentucky and into Ohio. Felt like such strange, new territory. The first part of the drive was so unusual... something like a dream. Deep, thick fog surrounded us. A few minutes later the sky would be clear. Moments later, the deep fog had re-appeared out of nowhere. This happened several times. Felt like it represented my future. Feel like I catch glimpses, but then I walk back into the fog.

Enjoy just riding in the car alone with Kel. Something nice about just sitting in close proximity... even when neither of us is saying anything.  The silence is strange, delightful and safe.

Also noticed the leaves beginning to change. Man, I love watching fall creep up on us in East Tennessee. The way the leaves change colors... well, it just does something for me. Enjoyed seeing the beginning of that process. Always fearful it's going to happen too quickly. Again, feel like noticing these leaves change was a reminder that it is the beginning of a new season for my family and I. Just still unsure what that season might look like.

Had Day One of the interview process today. So much to love about the church. So much to love about the people. Grateful for their authenticity. Still very curious. Still very excited. Also feeling very scared. Doubting and questioning myself... “Am I enough?” That thought has echoed through my head today.

Looking and listening for God's leading. Still wanting to experience a little more of this church and process. Want to be willing to admit that I'd absolutely love it and want it... if that's what I decide... even if they aren't interested I me.

Will write more tomorrow.