raw

I woke up this morning realizing something.  It is something that I have known for awhile...it has been stirring in me for weeks...this morning, in the wee hours...I named it.  It is costly to be raw before others.  The me that most people enjoy is the one that is well dressed, well put together, funny, clean, make-up on, composed....embellished.  Unfortunately, those aren't really the things that make me ....ME.  It's not that they are all bad things.  They just don't really add much to the person God has invited me to be.    In fact, I think they often take away or distract from the true...RAW beauty that lies within me.

My raw-self...well, it can look a little wild.  It's not kempt.  Sometimes it is frightening to others and discouraging to me.

I am a woman that has been known to hide.  Don't get me wrong, I think most women enjoy looking lovely...this is not what I am talking about.  Hiding behind artificial beauty and claiming it as our one true beauty is the lie I am hoping to expose.  Beauty...the artificial kind is an idol that I have clung to most of my life.  Over the past few years God has been breaking these chains and revealing my true beauty.  I still wrestle at times, but I am learning to enjoy how HE see's me...raw and beautiful.

Lately, Pastor and I have tried to purchase more natural foods.  Foods that are raw and natural.  Foods that contain labels that only have one or two ingredients.  What I have found and I am sure most of you know is....when you take all the crappy filler out of food....it gets REALLY costly.  One of the real eye openers for me was almond butter.  I have been eating A LOT of almond butter lately.  You can buy a version of this...the kind that has roasted almonds, loaded with oil, sugar, salt and other STUFF,... but the raw almond butter we purchase has just one ingredient....raw almonds...ground up.....no roasting....no sugar....no salt.....nothing else....just almonds in their rare form.  The cost for the embellished version????  Most places about $5.  The raw...well at Earthfare you can get it for $12 a jar...and yesterday, at Target, as I almost lost my lunch in the condiment isle...I saw the same jar for $23.15!!!!!!!!  I freaked....I couldn't get over it!  Why is a raw product...that is bare and naked...requires little work so costly?????  I think it's because it's rare and to those who really desire the purest ingredients....well,  it's invaluable!

It's not that I'm going mental about almond butter prices....I think it's the truth that it represents in me.  Most people want the me with all the additives.  The easy, convenient, dime-a-dozen, me.  Very few really want the raw, organic, pure version.  It's easy for me to hide behind the extras and super costly for me to bare the simplicity of who I really am......raw....not flashy.... no cool packaging....no screaming from the shelves...but hopefully less crap to weed through to find truest ingredient in me......HIM!

Shifting

A quote from a book I'm reading,

“I know how monstrously inhumane I can be. Raging at children for minor wrongdoings while I'm the one defiling the moment with sinful anger. Hoarding possessions while others die of starvation. Entertaining the mind with trivial pretties when I haven't bowed the head and heart in a prayer longer than five minutes in a week. My tongue has had a razor edge and my eyes have rolled haughty and my neck has been stiff and graceless and I have lived the filthy ugly, an idolater, a glutton, and a grace thief who hasn't had time for the thanks.”

I like this author. The first line hits it so powerfully and accurately, “I know how inhumane I can be.” Man, gross and embarrassingly true for me. Sometimes when I'm talking with my kids I refer to myself in the third person. I'll say things like, “Pop would like to play a game with you guys if you're interested.” I think the author of the quote I shared above chose to write about me, but she switched the third person to the first person. She took my blame. That's unusual because I seem to be shifting blame pretty effortlessly onto other people... or anything else that seems reasonable at the moment.  Maybe you've heard of superheroes or mutants with the ability to shape-shift.  Well, my mutant ability is blame-shifting.  It's very impressive.

This week is filled with much excitement, nervousness, anxiety... unknown. If you haven't heard, I'm interviewing for a position out of town. Still not certain if it's where God wants me, but I do know that I am extremely interested in this church and this position. However, the unknown is so... unknown. Seems like it has a power over me. Allowing the external to have more control of me and my attitude than I should. Once again... shifting blame. Using these things to try to excuse my behavior.

Kelly felt God leading her to a particular passage of scripture when she woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago. I've been spending time in that passage... wading through, looking, listening. It's a passage that begins in Numbers 13 telling the account of Moses sending the 12 spies to explore Canaan. The spies returned and shared that the land flows with milk and honey, but 10 of the spies said that this land could not be conquered. The enemies were too powerful. The cities were fortified. Caleb silenced these people and stressed the power and favor of God on His people. Caleb was not worried about large walls or powerful enemies. He trusted God. The Israelites wanted to go back to Egypt (knowing they'd be slaves!)...they talked about stoning Moses, Aaron, Caleb and Joshua. Somehow the Israelites had forgotten again the miracles they had witnessed. It was like there was a powerful magnetic force within them that kept them naturally desiring slavery... bondage over courage required to experience freedom. I wonder why we pursue slavery? Is it fear? Do we pursue it because it's familiar? Do we really want to call it comfortable?

Wanting Caleb's perspective. Wanting Caleb's courage. Chapter 14 says that because “Caleb had a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly,...” that he'd receive a great blessing. Wanting a different spirit. Wanting wholeheartedness toward God.

Been thinking and discussing with the family what it really means to co-labor with God. Want to experience that. Somehow I think what Caleb and Joshua did was co-laboring with God. What would that look like for me?

Maybe that inward change would permeate my thinking so much that I could no longer say that the first paragraph was so true of me.

powerful and effective

A few weeks ago this young princess told her momma that she felt like she could have the power to heal through her prayers....Her Momma said..."Yes....and may it be so!"  Her Momma wants her to KNOW and BELIEVE that God still uses people just like her to heal the lame and the sick.  

This Saturday this same princess and her momma were riding around their cul-de-sac.  Her momma noticed the death all around...dead grass...dead plants...dead earth....the momma knew that the only thing that could restore was healing rain.  She felt invited to have the young princess pray for rain.  She issued...the princess giggled ...they rode.  The momma prompted again...."you need to pray for rain, now".....another giggle more riding.  The momma urged once more....you need to speak it out...pray it out loud....so the princess did..."God, I pray that you would let it rain."  The momma encouraged the young princess in the power of prayer.  At the time it was a hot, sunny, and cloudless day.  The two of them rode around and sang, "let it rain," over and over and giggled.  They got sweaty and soon went in.

An hour later...the wind began to blow.  And, God answered HIS young princess' prayer for rain.  The heavens opened, and slowly it began to cover the earth with its much needed gift.

Rain...a princess' delight....joy in the momma's heart.  Yes, for the much needed gift of moisture.  But, also for the much greater need...the reminder that we serve a God that listens and hears the hearts of his people...Our God is a ALIVE!  And,  He longs to use the hands of HIS people...like 7 year-old princesses to accomplish HIS purposes.  He doesn't have to, but it delights Him to do so.  

The princess claims that this is her rain....her gift....her answer.  Her momma again says, "Yes!"  And, to the disappointment of many UT fans, Boomsday goers, and Labor Day hopefuls......it rains on.....

The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.   The princess couldn't see it....but her journey to being a tool of healing is already underway...for this weekend her prayers brought much needed healing to the earth.

Bible Gateway Recommendations

up to?

Today, I wonder what God is up to.  This is the question Pastor asked us to discuss as we had church this morning....hmmmm....this question is BIG for me....maybe because I am so hopeful or maybe because I fear being wrong.

Some moments  I feel like God is so on the move in me that I am about to go into my phone booth and morph into my super-natural self.

                                                

Other times I feel like I am not hearing God at all, and it makes me feel very frustrated and confused.  I am not known for patience, and the whole "Be Still And Know" stuff is hard business for me.  You can normally tell the condition of my heart by the look on my face....

Certain that God wants me to continue to write down my dreams, share them with others, and bring those gifts to Him as we walk out this life this side of Heaven.  Rich community can happen when we risk...even sharing our deepest dreams is risky....

But, at this exact moment...as I sit in my bed....and I think....and type....I am aware that I am a daughter that is hungry to know more about her Good Daddy....the desire is deep to worship and enjoy HIM with all that I am.  I can give HIM worship that no one else can replicate....because it is my gift....my offering.

fully aware that becoming a FRUIT bearer is messy

I am seeing more and more everyday that the more I long to reflect my Daddy opposition will rise.  It will rise from the world.  It will rise from the church.  It will rise from my community.  It will rise from those who love me.....maybe even from my own family.....

This picture speaks the loudest of what I feel God is up to.....much like this grain that has been sprouting in my kitchen....God is sprouting NEW THINGS in me....it's a long process...it takes time and tending...you have to work it and process it into something new....I really enjoy it but others.....well....they see no beauty in it...they don't like it... they feel it's too hard to swallow and intolerable.  I would be lying if I said  that wasn't hard...it is.   I rather like being liked.   Today, I think God is inviting me to rest in the sprouts......He is inviting me to gently share them, and if they are opposed, He reminds me that I must be well on my way to reflecting  Him as He too is very familiar to being opposed.

What is God up to?????  On my way to finding out..... 

Community

I've mentioned how Charli likes to crawl into me... somewhat like a tank. Literally, she drops her head and rams into me. Today I was so sweaty (and she had just taken a bath), and she kept trying to head-butt me and climb on me. Not wanting to hurt her feelings...yet, I didn't want to get her sweaty and stinky. I repeatedly slithered away from her. Let me make sure you know that Charli is not an affectionate child. Although she often wants to be held, she does not ever want to cuddle. Even when you hold her she usually stiff-arms you to make sure you don't get the wrong idea about cuddling. Still, I feel like it's so obvious even in her little heart that she longs for relationship... connection with others.

Aware of something to a greater extent than I've ever been aware of it. Having talked to so many different people lately... people who do not know each other at all... the thing they all seem to have in common is that they all deeply long for community. I'm talking about pastors, high school and college-aged students, single adults, married couples... everyone. Truly, can't think of anyone who does not long for community to some extent.

However, the longing is often coupled with frustration. Maybe we all feel alone in this longing. Maybe we have no idea how to get it. Maybe we're just too afraid to be authentic. Maybe we can't find people with whom we'd like to have it. Not sure.

Kelly phrased it this way... we're often so afraid to take the risk it takes to enter into community (I mean real, intimate community). However, we're actually risking so much more when we're unwilling to take that risk. You might have to re-read that to grab it. I had to ask her to dumb it down for me and repeat it. When we're too afraid to take the risk of entering into community, we're actually taking a greater risk by living without it. Meaning, without community, we're actually living... 1) in a way that is not how God intended, 2) in a way that is dangerous (isolation can be very dangerous), 3) that is not nearly as conducive to the growth expected of us... 4) it's just very empty too.

Still longing for more. Wanting something different. Wanting to be a part of facilitating community. Want to be able to lead toward more.

you know what I need

thankful for so many different things tonight...thankfulness reminds this heart of the truths that circumstances can snuff out.

thankful for laughter in my home today

thankful for the adults' child-like play

thankful for the opportunity to trade in my normal mask for a silly one

for risky games and belly laughs

and.......

for  the relatives  in our lives that didn't get to choose being our  family but have chosen  to be our friends...  a rich gift

Thankful that God always knows just what we need....for this too I am thankful.

her, me and HIM

This is a picture of me (Kelly.)  Really it is our Warrior-Princess Charli but it speaks of who I am in so many ways.

This little girl...eyes full of determination...holding a worship-dance stick that her sister made for her.. hearing the music...longing...for motion....hungry for freedom.  Tired of confinement.  Always learning.  Crying A LOT.  Super needy and fighting it.  Fights affection because it hinders tasks.  Full of passion that oozes.  A voice that has volume and communicates full heart.  So much love all around her but she is unable to grasp it because she simply cannot understand.  She is tired but unwilling to slow down.  Tender...tender...tender heart...easily stirred, easily burdened, easily wounded.  She is desperate to walk but settles for crawling.  Wanting to dance for the KING and hindered by her past.

This little one has had to fight harder than anyone I know just to be alive...this too speaks...

God has made her full of spunk, personality, resolve.....she is determined....

Just like our Charli....God plans on redeeming every part of me and my story for HIS GLORY....this brings great HOPE...


Thankful to resemble my 6th child and the ONE that created us both