copy cat

This is a term I would use to describe me (Kelly) most of my life.  I am sad about it.  It has brought many unpleasant consequences. 

It is not new information that I am a woman that struggles with insecurity.  I am making snails progress towards something greater, but today it lingers.  Fear is at  the root of my insecurities.

It started early for me...I believed the lie that I wasn't super bright as a child...that mixed with laziness left me with choices...I chose to copy...cheat...steal...

Grades on this old report card don't do justice to my "mad cheating" skills...they developed as I was busily flushing my character down the toilet.  Today,  ironically, I'm a home school mom and Good Pastors wife.... paying the price and  lamenting my bad choices.

As I grew, I wrestled with identity.  Growing up in any school is hard.  Attending Farragut High reminded me of all the ways I didn't add up...so I did my best to copy....appearances this time.

Thank you, God for low-resolution photos....churning something gross out of my mouth...where are my truth speaking friends?????  Someone tell this girl that less is more....she was too busy trying to be a copy cat...trying to fit in....trying to find something to offer...believe it or not, this look was sorta in style then...yikes!

Today, the Spirit has been gently reminding me of the ways that I have settled to be a copy....a version that is less than what the Creator originally intended.  I think some of this true for the church as well.   I am broken over it, and  I am inspired more than ever to join Good Pastors fight for the bride...me and the church.  I long to see God's heart for the church.  I long for Daddys to teach their children and wives and not settle....I long for them to lead.    I long to live in community with the body.  A body that is a mix of sweetly broken individuals...young...old...tattered...torn...full of life and yes...even the fume-filled.  I don't need more of me...I need less.  I need sandpaper....not real fun, not real flashy, not real easy....but real none the less.  I don't think I have any amazing ideas...remember....I copy by nature...but I do belive the One that created the church has strong desires on this subject and we're  diggin' around here.

I can tell you as we press on into faith-walking....I am feeling a bit lonely.  I am aware that the world, the church and even our own family may not understand...how I long for man's approval...some days feel quite dark...I am thankful that I am not in charge of keeping the light burning.....I CANNOT DO THIS FOR MYSELF....I simply cannot....it's not in me...but He is!
                                                  

Our house is not without tears....today they are flowing a little more freely.  I am thankful that this shows my heart is freed up to feel more than it has in the past.  I do receive it as a gift even though it hurts.  I had sweet time in worship and remembering.  The words of a particular song sums up a part of what I am trying to communicate, here are a few...."Though the world sees and soon forgets we will not forget who YOU are what YOU"VE done for us.......Where YOU go I"ll go...what you say, I say, God....what YOU pray, I pray." 

Those are things I want to copy....I want to copy Jesus...He only spoke and did what was of the Father's heart.   He was about His Daddy's business.  This is worthy of my greatest study and imitation.  I pray I can lay down old ways of copying.  It will be hard.  I am thankful for eyes to see.  Praying for faith to believe and fruit that shows His likeness in me.

Just for fun I thought of two other people that I would like to imitate more as they remind me of the character of God...

Through very hard packaging...Charli's story reminds me to be a hope bringer and to remember that joy will ALWAYS come and.... 

This beautiful woman so teaches me to serve, to love others in a way that costs me, to share,  to play hard and to fight for and beside the ones you love.... she is a life giver... a rich rich joy giver...oh, how I pray that one day my own daughters will see the beauty in me the way I see it in  my mommy

Even as I type this blog I am seeing the joys of being me...thankful....but also noticing that being a copy cat isn't always a bad thing...it really just comes down to who you are copying! 

Nothing to Say

Feeling pretty tired.  I get pretty grumpy when I start my blog entry late in the evening… especially when I have no idea what to say.  I put pressure on myself… what’s something insightful or clever or meaningless but witty that I could write about tonight?  I’ve got nothing.  Not an unfamiliar feeling.

Wondering… is this blog accomplishing what we set out to accomplish?  Asking myself, “what exactly did we set out to accomplish?”  Has it run its course?  Not sure… will process that for awhile.

Running through the events of my day and the posture of my heart throughout the day… it’s really been a great day.  Got to have a date with Kel.  Got to play with the kids, go to the pool… good stuff.  Wondering how attentive I was to my heart today though…

As I play through my day in my head…only one thing that I did / experienced arouses passion in my heart… actually, as I think about it the passion rises up again… maybe even in greater force. 

This morning Kelly and I got to spend time with a sweet friend… a kindred spirit.  This is someone who has repeated chosen to bless my family.  Most of the time I was merely a spectator enjoying the exchange between my wife and our friend… two women who both love the Lord and love their kids.  In the midst of it I was able to see a passion in Kelly and an ability to articulate things I’ve felt very powerfully… it actually increased my already strong feelings about this issue.

I know you’re wondering… what’s that issue?  I’ve talked around it long enough.  That issue is the spiritual health, character and biblical worldview of my children.

Homeschooling is a part of that, but it’s really just a part.  I would love for my kids to test out of Calculus before they step foot on a college campus.  I’d love for them to have a full academic scholarship (or superfluous scholarship) to a college of their choice.  However, I’m okay if my kids decide not to go to college.  I’m okay if they never take Calculus.  Don’t get me wrong.  I really want my kids to get a good education.  My wife’s done an amazing job to insure that they’ve received the highest education possible.  My two older girls really have excelled in school.  I just want to make sure that I communicate that it is much more important to me that my children know the Lord, rest in Him, enjoy Him, pursue satisfaction & identity in Him, live for Him, filter life through His word…  That means that the secular culture’s emphasis on education over and above spiritually discipling our children… well, somehow it’s permeated our thinking and damaged the biblical perspective on child-rearing.  That also means that their spiritual health is more important than their performance in sports. 

I don’t have it mastered by any means (immeasurably far from it), but I’d say it’s a lifestyle.  A lifestyle I’m hoping to improve upon (drastically)…

For some of you I realize you might not be parents… but I guess this has also been a challenge to me to see what it is that I’m living as my highest priorities… this can be drastically different than what I say my highest priorities are.  It’s also a challenge to re-examine where a secular worldview has shaped my thinking without even realizing it’s not biblical. 

Those are my thoughts tonight… seems when I claim not to have anything to say that I ramble for quite awhile.  I guess that does make me a pastor.

Lions and Bears

I went to the Lost Sea yesterday.  Before you dismiss the Lost Sea… let me just tell you it’s awesome.  Don’t throw it into the category of the air-brushed tanktop connotation you’d give Pigeon Forge.  Although those are entertaining… like a good mullet, they’re made for a different breed.  The Lost Sea is cool for anyone.  Just the name of the place brings up almost forgotten childhood memories…  If you didn’t grow up in Knoxville, you might not have a clue what the Lost Sea is.  It’s this HUGE network of underground caves and caverns.  Our tour was at least an hour, and we didn’t cover it all.  They have an amazing underground lake, and you get to ride in a glass-bottomed boat.  There are huge rainbow trout that swim right alongside the boat.  My 3 oldest  kids and my nephew loved it. 

To enter the cave you walk down this long, lighted tunnel that strongly resembles something from a sci-fi movie.  It’s weird.  There’s a whole other world underneath… just like us.  It’s a reminder to me that it’s easy to forget or to avoid looking underneath…  In the caves there are all kinds of unusual formations beneath what’s visible.  Some of these formations are beautiful.  Others seem to be kept in the dark… so much more under the surface than there is outwardly visible… some beautiful… some dark and hidden… again, like our interior lives.

As we prepared the kids for the Lost Sea, Elliott (3 years old) kept asking me if there were going to be any lions or bears in the cave.  For some reason he often asks if there are lions and bears in dark places… like our attic, inside our walls, in closets, etc.  As far as in a cave… well, it makes sense.  Caves can have dangerous animals.  Even though I had answered his question very clearly by telling him that the Lost Sea did not have any lions and bears, he repeatedly asked it.  Because I am the youngest of my siblings, something within me finds great pleasure in pestering.  After the 15^th time he asked me,

I mentioned to Elliott that I was very excited about seeing the lions and bears.  He did know that I was kidding… but he did double-check 

just in case.

It’s a little laughable.  Lions and bears.  Realized today that I have more fears than I thought.  It’s like I’ve got socially acceptable “lions and bears” that give me fear.  I really don’t think of myself as someone with much fear; however, today I became more aware of some fear that’s underneath the surface.

At 1:00pm today I had a second interview via Skype with an out of town church for a pastoral position.  My previous conversation with a pastor from this church had gone very well (from my perspective).  Still I have no idea if it’s a good fit for me… or if I’m a good fit for them, but I found myself very anxious.  When I tried to look under the surface to my nervousness, I found fear.  Although my mind knows truth, my heart believed something else. 

Something felt like this church had the power to decide if I was likeable.  They could decide if I was competent as a pastor.  It was like I had given them power to define me.  Not a good feeling.  My mind knew truth, but my feelings didn’t seem to agree with my brain.  Somehow their opinion of me seemed to be the determining factor if I was of any worth or value.  Again, I know this is not truth, but that’s how I felt.  The truth is that even if there were lions or bears… even if this church decides I’m incapable of anything good, and they hate me with greatest passion imaginable… well, none of it can destroy me.  I can have my life taken from me, but that’s all that can be done to me.  I can’t be destroyed by what people think of me… I shouldn’t function like I could be.

By the way, the interview did not happen.  I sat there waiting for quite awhile… long enough to check old email correspondence to confirm I had the right time and date.  I had written down the wrong day in my 1980’s Trapper Keeper planner.  It wasn’t my Trapper Keeper’s fault.  She makes no mistakes.  I accept full responsibility. 

reminder for Good Pastor

because we all need to remember the TRUTH in us
because we all need to remember what our NAME means
because we can't always see for ourselves
because the two are one and we need each other
because we KNOW truth but are prone to wander
because HE is ALWAYS good and ALWAYS faithful and ALWAYS reminds
a love offering from your PBS bride today



let this be true of our home, Good Pastor

Adam means EARTH MAN.  A man that names.  The first.  A pilgrim.  A redeemed earth-mess.  A digger.  A farmer.  A reproducer..... a few more words that come to mind when I think about our Good Pastor Adam are.... life bringer, Daddy, encourager, pursuer, servant, gifted, PROVIDER, friend, truth seeker, son, tender warrior, student, listener, wise counselor, teacher, hungry, spirit-alive, clinging, rebuilder, diver, partner, unsettled for brides, VISIONARY, ambassador of HOPE.



Earth man, seed carrier, Beloved of Kelly
BELOVED OF GOD


because we need to remember we serve a God that ALWAYS redeems death



because He invites us to be a part of our own story and see the transforming beauty even if progress seems slow

because in the end we will reap a harvest if we do not give up

 

because we always need to remember no matter the season.... beauty-rich  or death-filled ...WE ARE ANCHORED IN the HOPE of the NAIL and the TREE

because HIS beauty and FAITHFULNESS are as strong as HIS NAME!

And, though it's good to be reminded who we are it is most important for us to remember the NAMER

because HE is Harvest Bringer... Jehovah Jireh is HIS name...He is our WAY-MAKER....
His call for us today and everyday is the same call for His Israelite children...don't panic...TRUST!

because....He wants you to remember, I want  you to remember....and your family desperately needs you to remember TRUTH and TRUST...all 7 of us

Three Words

Sensing that God has put three words on my heart today…

The first word is, “repent.”  As I’ve been studying Acts I’m always struck by Peter’s call to the people to repent.  My mind quickly returned to a sermon I gave quoting Richard Baxter on Acts 2.  He challenged us to realize that all revival starts with repentance… personal, individual repentance… starting with me.  Another book I read today said, “Repentance is the beginning of the answer.”  I thought God might be giving this word to share in a teaching way.  Actually, it was His word for me to practice.  Tonight some very gross parts of my heart became evident.  Hardness was exposed.  I try to rationalize the hardness (as always).  Repentance is all I can do.  Grateful for mercy.  Embarrassed about this hardness… even though it was not exposed to the public.

The next word that stood out to me was, “river.”  In the context that it hit me this word was symbolic of the Spirit and the work of the Spirit.  The Spirit is at work.  Exposing.  Sustaining.  Interceding.  Stirring.  Granting mercy.  He is with… 

The last word is, “risk.”  Not certain, but feel like God might be encouraging me to take a risk.  I’m not a risk taker.  Before I take anything like a risk I calculate all potential outcomes… I make sure I can control and respond to each of these in an acceptable way.  Obviously, I don’t do much risk.  Think it might be the season for a risk.  That’s a pretty scary thought… at the same time it’s a little exciting too.

Something Different

If you read my blog post from last Saturday, I tried to be very real about the low place I was in that day.  I visit that place pretty regularly.  Yesterday and today have been very different though.  On Saturday I started to work on a few creative projects.  Hard to communicate how poorly they went that day.  Laughable now.  Not very funny while it was happening.  Felt pretty defeated… I know… pretty crazy to feel defeated when a random woodworking project falls to pieces…  It’s only a little free wood and time that’s lost.

Something different stirred within me yesterday and today as I thought about those projects.  I felt a strong desire to hit them hard.  I wouldn’t let them defeat me.  I’d kick their tail.  That’s just a figure of speech.  Trying to keep the passion bridled with appropriate language.  Grateful for that change.  Grateful for the desire to push hard into that which I felt like I allowed to define me in a negative way.

Sometimes I can let being unemployed define me in a negative way.  Being jobless is such a weird thing after all these years of working…It’s surprising that being unemployed can still be frustratingly busy.  It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s so true; however, I still get such pleasure at the feeling of productivity.  I know that’s not completely a bad thing by any means.  It can easily become something of an idol though.  The little projects I’ve begun make me feel good about myself because I’m working hard to try to do something… something that could be a blessing… something that contributes.  All good… just don’t want my identity to come from productivity.  Don’t want to rely on that for my standing with anyone (including with myself).

One of the few quotes my “boyz” (if you will) recite when they repeat my few sayings is, “Your standing with God is not based on your spiritual performance.”  There’s much freedom to be found in that statement.  Hoping my standing in my own eyes would be based on His truths… not on how I feel or how much I get done.  I like the idea of not only saying He defines me, but actually functionally embracing that truth.  Not sure what that might look like… but I’d like to try it on for size.  Have a feeling it would fit perfectly.

Another Sabbath

In reverse order… a little about our Sabbath day.  Well, tonight Kel gave me such an incredible gift.  You might have heard that Kel has given me a new name.  If you haven’t heard about this, it might sound strange initially.  If you remember from scripture (both Old and New Testaments), God often renamed people.  The new name better communicated the character and nature of that person.  All believers will receive a new name when they come face to face with Christ again.  Anyways, through what we call, “prophetic words,” spoken by Emmiline, Kel gave me the name, “Good Pastor.”  Below is the picture Kel had printed for me in 2 foot by 3 foot size.

You can see the words on their feet.  Obviously, this really means so much to me.  When I call Kel on the phone, she often refers to me by this new name.  After I lost my job, someone asked me what I did.  It’s a pretty standard question.  Trying to decide how much of an answer this person would really like to hear, I initially paused for a second before responding.  Before I could say anything Kelly said, “You’re a pastor.”  There was much power in that for me.  It was the reminder that God has called me to be a pastor.  Not sure what my next job might be, but I might not have the title of “pastor.”  Regardless of what I will do, I am resting in the fact that I will be a pastor that’s doing it… it doesn’t matter what the job title is.  It was a good reminder of quote I recently read.  “There’s no secular employment for the Christian.”

This morning I was sharing with my family from the book of Acts.  We were talking about the early church… mostly about what they were committed to and what that actually meant.  We went through a passage phrase by phrase.  I’d ask them to explain to me what each portion of scripture meant.  Elliott so desperately wanted to be involved in the discussion.  I think I was talking about the passage that told us how the believers sold their possessions to help those I need.  I started asking them what that meant.  I took notes of what the early church lived and of what my kids said.  Below is Elliott listening and truly contributing…

When I asked one question, Elliott responded, “It means that the Holy Spirit will take care of us.”  Elliott’s 3 years old!  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I asked the others if they heard what he had just said.  They confirmed that he really said that.  Without hesitating I wrote it down… as if I might forget it… obviously, I wouldn’t forget, but I wasn’t sure what to do with such powerful words.

Psalm 8 popped into my head immediately… saying, “From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise.”

No, Elliott’s not repeating something that he has heard us say.  All I can say is I’m taking his words as a reminder of truth… taking his words as encouragement.  Grateful for them.  God allowed Elliott to speak truth.  I believe that’s prophetic.