Jerk?

Good day.  I mean that both as a greeting and a description of most of my day.  A very sweet friend volunteered to watch our kids… the same precious friend who has already done this for us once this week.  She’s an absolute weirdo.  I mean that in the positive way.  The way she serves and loves can only be described as weird and awkward.  It doesn’t make sense.  I’d like to be more like this weirdo.  Grateful for her.  Anyways, this facilitated a really sweet time with Kel.

Much of the rest of the day was spent becoming more aware of how I need to be rescued from myself.  I’m often a jerk.  Don’t argue that with me because then I’ll have to prove it.  It wouldn’t be hard.  I’m not wallowing in self-hatred.  It’s just been a day where I’ve seen a good bit of my grossness… shining brightly… shining like Moses’ radiant face did.  Unfortunately, it’s not shining in a positive way.

At the end of our date we went by Target and Wal-mart… I think this is what every married couple does at the end of a date... don't they?  Anyways, before we got home, we stopped by a little produce stand on George Light.  We call the farmer, “Farmer George.”  I have no idea if that’s actually his name.  Odds aren’t in favor of it being his name.  It’s just that he sets up his stand on George Light Road… therefore, Farmer George seemed to roll off the tongue rather easily.

Well, the Black Pearl (if you don’t know, that’s my car… a black Toyota Forerunner… she’s awesome)… she didn’t start.  She tried.  I’m really not upset with her.  I could tell she was giving it all she had.  Kelly took off in a fast run to the house so we could relieve Weirdo (as mentioned earlier in this entry).  I decided to ask Farmer George and his associates if anyone had jumper cables.  Sure enough, one of his associates did.  We’ll just call his associate, Old Guy.  It was a great struggle for Old Guy (who really was quite old) to stand… even more so to walk.  He carried himself in a rather awkward way… as if every movement was painful.  Not positive, but it appeared he was a stroke victim.  He couldn’t get his words and sounds out very well.  It was a great strain for me to catch what he said.  From the pattern of facial hair on his face it was obvious that he couldn’t even perform simple tasks like shaving.  Yet, he gladly offered to help me.  As he moved his car closer to the Black Pearl, I noticed from his license plate that he was a disabled veteran.  He jumpstarted my car in a minute or two.  The groceries in my car would not be ruined after all.  He rescued me.

I was grateful for his help.  I was embarrassed that I have not been more grateful for the way men like Old Guy have served our country for me (and you!)… given  much of themselves… I mean that literally and metaphorically.  I have thought about it some, but seeing a face and a broken body brings greater weight to his sacrifice for what you and I enjoy… unfortunately, I just seem to take for granted.

Later our power went out… it was out for a couple hours.  Man, I take that for granted.  I think I take most things for granted.  No electricity simply added to my grumpiness (notice how I blame my grumpies on the lack of electricity… again, I’m the victim… as always).  I was already grumpy, and I had manifested my selfishness in even more overt ways to Kelly.  Not a pretty picture of AV today in relational theology (= theology in the context of relationships).

The ironic thing is that I had been talking to my kids about the widow’s mite this evening.  I tried to explain how everything is His.  It’s all a gift from Him.  He provides and sustains.  He’s entrusted us with it.  All that we do and have should be treated as that which has been entrusted to us by the Father.

I did teach that, but I chose to live the “Entitled Life” today.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll choose to live a little more Christ-like... maybe.

pregnant

NO....I am not...but, I bet it got you to read this.  I am smiling as I type this knowing that the title of this blog will skyrocket some peoples blood pressure...ah....sometimes it's the simple pleasures.

I may not be physically with child, but I do feel pregnant.  I feel pregnant with hope, dreams, thankfulness and joy.  There is life growing inside of me.  I am expectant. 

I feel like for the past several months the Holy Spirit has given me eyes to see things and think about things I would normally miss....here is an example...

Yes, this is what you think it is.  And, yes, they are mine.  Thank goodness I only need these little gems when I am pregnant.  There's something about creating another life that makes the body work really hard.  It also creates deficiencies in me....hence the good ole' stool softeners.  I saw this bottle today with our medicines.  I looked at for a long time and something spoke to me.  What I heard was... sometimes in order to be healthy, we must rely on some very embarassing tools to help us get the crap out.  I find this especially true as The Vaughans continue to see what new life God is forming in us and as we await this new birth.  The Lord in His divine and soverign mercy has allowed some really painful, humble and even embarassing things to help us flush out the waste in our lives and hearts.  As I have mentioned before I often want to hide...today, I am posting the stool softeners and thanking God for helping us along when our hearts just can't quite get the job done.
                                                                            

Marked

I have been marked.  I’m not sure if you initially follow that, but I’ll explain.

My daughter, Charli has been marked as well.  She has been marked in a few ways.  First, she has a large scar on her back from having very serious heart surgery within her first month of life.  This scar will continue to stretch as her body gets bigger.  When she had the surgery, she still didn’t even weigh 2 lbs.  Charli’s also marked with many love names.  “Char Char” is one of them.  That one turned into “Charizard” and “Charmander.”  Both of those are from Pokemon.  Don’t ask me how I know that.  All I can say is that I deeply love high schoolers.  That’s my excuse.  And… it’s a long story, but “Panda” might be the one we use the most often.  She is marked.

This little girl is into everything these days.  In the picture below Panda is searching for crumbs.  She’s not actually hungry for food.  We do feed her on occasion… if she behaves well.  She’s still searching.

Lately Kelly and I have been searching.  I’ve been looking for crumbs.  Mark 7 says it well, but my life bears evidence to that truth… His crumbs are powerful and good.  Really grateful for the meal of crumbs He’s been offering. 

Anyways, as I said, I am a marked man as well.  I’ve thought of getting a tattoo for the last year or so.  If you know me well, you know that doesn’t sound like me.  I’ve wanted to get my sons’ names (Lincoln and Tucker) or initials on my body.  It would serve as a reminder of their story.  A reminder of them in my story.  A reminder that it’s all His story. 

My marking is not a tattoo (not yet… still considering that option).  My marking comes from words spoken to me yesterday.  To preface those words… in the last year I have had great excitement and curiosity about a passage in Revelations.  It basically says that when we’re face to face with Christ that He will give us a new name.  This blows my mind.  I can’t wait to hear what it is!  I know it will be nothing like those negative names we’ve all experienced in our lives… probably in middle school.  Those names were painfully marking as well.

My wife came running into the house yesterday morning.  She had been out for an early morning walk.  It was like she had won the lottery, and she wanted to give it all away to me.  The life in her face was undeniable.  The Lord had impressed on her heart something she could not wait to share.  It’s hard to communicate the excitement she had.  Kelly gave me a new name.  This is strange in our day, but it was not strange in biblical times.  Anyways, she was so excited to share it with me.  She looked straight in my eyes with such sincerity and love.  She said that my new name is, “Good Pastor.”  I simply accepted it.  Deeply humbled.  I cried.  I was marked. 

More power in that encounter that I can communicate.  More love than I can remember experiencing in a single moment… maybe ever. 

Grateful. 

Glad to be marked. 

birthday party

                                                                                       
                                                                                  

God is up to some serious business in me these days.  I am seeing Him everywhere.  Today, I am full of delight.  I am enjoying.  I am celebrating.  I am hungry.  I am choosing to see, taste, and recount.  I am seeing HIS presence and I feel exhaustingly ALIVE. 

I don't often feel this way.  Most days I feel quite the opposite.  Today, I am drinking deeply.

I recently had some retreat time with a special sister and lots of the Holy Spirit.  Oh, how I need all parts of the Trinity.  I look forward to processing all that God started that weekend.  I wholly believe it will take my lifetime to process, and I still won't uncover it all.  It was rich.  It was heavy.  It was other.

I have been gleaning a lot lately.  Gleaning is a term I learned when I was on staff at Cedar Springs.  I was responsible for leading a time of gleaning blackberries in a field belonging to someone I didn't know and then taking the berries to share with the "less fortunate."  As I glean in others fields, I am that...."less fortunate," and I feel incredibly rich that other women would extravagantly share their harvests with me.  Which brings me to my point of today's entry.                                      

I have so enjoyed my reading time.  I have what I like to call "small brain syndrome."   I am aware that I can be a little slow.  It's how I've been made.  It's why I can relate well with children.  My brain thinks like one.  Yesterday, as I was drinking deeply, I was radically touched by the writings of a particular woman.  Radically moved.  My heart was marked.  Today, God used her example to bestow honor and blessing upon my husband. 

This morning I had a walk in the steamy air that fills my neighborhood.  As I was walking the Holy Spirit initiated an invitation.  He invited me to be a part of renaming my husband.  Remember, the two of us are often at war these days.  I love him, but this is a trying season for us both. 

Most of you are aware that we have a million "love names for our children."  Shorty, Lu, Bud, Panda...these are the main ones.  I love that they have a love name.  They are gifts that express our delight in our children.  A few hours ago, the Spirit game me a new name for Adam.  It started as one word.  Pastor.  As I continued the conversation the name grew.  A few weeks ago, as we shared life words with Adam on Father's Day.  Emmiline spoke what I would call a prophetic word over Adam.  She called him "Good Pastor."  I was and am still deeply moved by the eyes of our daughter and her courage to speak such words.


                                                                                    

                                                                                    


What am I saying in all this?  I am saying that from now on my love name for my husband will be Good Pastor.  Our children have been invited, without pressure, to join in this new name for Adam.  I am sure it might be confusing for Him, for us, for you, but from now on I will seek to call him Good Pastor.  I do not call him this becuase he is good, but because the Spirit issued and invitation and I have accepted.   For it is the Spirit that lives in Adam and makes him what he is.....Good Pastor.

                                                                                    

                                                                    Happy Birthday!
            Revelation 2:17  Here's to hidden manna and a white stone with a new name written on it. 

 

Out of Context

This morning I got up, took a shower and headed out the door with my planner, books and Bible in hand.  It felt awesome.  It felt so normal to do something so similar to my old routine.  I went to Kelly’s dad’s back porch (which is a piece of heaven).  Had such an amazing time.

Why did it feel so good?  It felt like an addict might feel when he goes back to his drug.  What is functioning as my drug?  Is it normalcy?  Is it the false sense of security from a steady paycheck?  Maybe security isn’t meant to come from money.  I’ll process that, but I’ll still enjoy that it was so enjoyable. 

Last night I was re-reading a passage that I’ve read many times.  Maybe you remember this passage from Hebrews 4:12 & 13, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”  I’ve heard that passage quoted a hundred times.  Somehow I missed the context.  This passage comes right after the verse telling us to make every effort to enter the Sabbath rest!  It comes after a large passage talking about the Sabbath.  The power and importance of surrendering to the command and embracing the invitation to Sabbath… well, it hit me really powerfully when I read the above verse attached to that call!  That verse is saying God knows our hearts when and if we pursue the Sabbath. 

Not sure what your response is to that.  I want to be really careful about taking scripture out of context.  I know God’s word is all of those things mentioned in that verse at all times; however, again the context it is written in is that of observing the Sabbath!  Man, I’m not totally sure what to do with this, but I know I can’t stay the same.

Sorry

Let me begin this entry by saying, “I am sorry.”  Two nights ago I wrote a late night blog entry titled, “Impressive.”  The thoughts I shared had been bouncing in my big, empty head all day; however, they were not what was pressing most deeply on my heart at the moment.  I wrote that blog right after Kelly and I had engaged in a pretty significant battle with each other.  I apologize for not being more real with you.  That is one of the main purposes of this blog… to try to be real… to invite others into authenticity.  I was not real about our battle.  By battle I mean two rams butting heads with much force… Part of me felt very saddened by our battle.  Part of me felt the post-fight awareness of how I needed to own up to the wrongs I had done in the battle.  Part of me felt very alive.  I know that sounds so strange. 

Not completely sure why I felt so alive.  Maybe because I felt so strongly about things.  It’s empowering to feel such strong convictions.  Maybe because my wife and I are in an incredibly intense season where we’re fighting for more of God… fighting for more in terms of what the church should look like… fighting and clamoring to surrender to the command and invitation of the Sabbath.  Much fighting.  This is going to be a season of fighting for us.

I am personally wrestling with a lot of things.  As I’ve mentioned before I’m struggling with what our culture has accepted as church.  I just think God means so much more… and I mean so much more this side of heaven as well!  As I talk with churches about the potential of future employment I wonder if I’m just perpetuating the cycle I’ve already been a part of.  I’m not knocking any churches.  My most recent church is probably the healthiest church I have ever seen.  I think I might need to qualify the word, “healthy.”  I just mean they try to honor God with a biblical mindset (in terms of leadership, teaching, church discipline, etc.)  It’s not perfect, but it’s really good.  At the same time I just have an uneasiness within me.. something’s screaming, “There’s more!”  I’m beginning to feel more unsettled than anything.

If I were to use one word to describe my wife, I’d use, “beauty.”  I mean so much more than her physical attractiveness.  A close second would be the word, “unsettled.”  Never in my life have I seen anyone near as unsettled as she is.  She will not settle.  She always wants more… more of God… more in our family… more in our marriage… more holiness… more depth… more.  Maybe you remember the verse in Philippians about straining toward what is ahead?  Well, she’s straining and struggling.  She does consider all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him.  Her unsettled nature… well, at times it drives me completely crazy.  When I’ve had a moment to process it all, I think it is absolutely awesome.  Don’t misunderstand.  She celebrates victories.  She is deeply grateful.  At the same time she just doesn’t settle. 

As I’m beginning to experience… being unsettled is not really a good feeling.  There are some longings that I don’t think will be filled until our glorified state.  At the same time there’s something strangely refreshing by not being satiated by things less than God.  It’s as if tasting a crumb of God makes us famished hungry for more of Him.

Anyways, I got distracted from the main point, but let me say again, “I am sorry.”

pray

Please pray for our family.  It is 4:07 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I am very aware that right now our family is under attack.  The enemy is seeking to kill, steal and destroy.  God is calling us to battle.  The battle has begun and it's already bloody.

 Adam and I had painful interactions before bed.  In everyday terms, that means, we fought and we fought hard.  I am sad about that.  I've been reminded lately that "flesh dies hard."   God is continuing to stir up deep deep wells, He is stirring up deep deep waters.  I am so curious what He has for us.  I am excited.  I am scared.  I AM AWARE.  I am waving a banner of protection, peace, truth, togetherness, courage and VICTORY over my house this morning.   "For HE who promised is FAITHFUL."  Even in the midst of the storms, The Vaughans are anchored in HOPE.  Pray for us, please!  God, give us courage and more of YOU!