Life

"Now this is living." I wonder if you've ever said that statement. When I think of “living” in that context, I think of a beach trip with my family, eating at a sushi bar, playing some sort of pick-up game, backpacking through the wilderness, hanging out with a few close friends, etc. I think there's much truth in that statement though. I think we define, “life” by things that are not life.

A wise man asked me today, “Think of when you were a child. What comes to mind as the happiest moment in your life? What's a moment that you really enjoyed being alive?”

It's a good question to ask. Maybe you'll consider it. More than likely our responses to this question reveal something about what we pursue as “life.” It might be performance, recognition, pleasure, a hassle-free existence...

It's probably a very wrong definition of life. Then I was asked, “Think of a time when you were a child. What moment comes to mind when you hated life? When you wanted to hide?”

My answer was a moment from 8^th grade. I had just found out that I didn't get into Honors English. I was devastated. I pretended to be looking for something in my locker, but really I was just trying to hide the fact that it hurt so bad that I was crying. I decided at that moment that my academic performance (and performance-based living) were my everything. The strange thing is that I even majored in English in college. Never really thought about that until today. It's never been my best subject. Maybe I majored in it to prove something to myself.

I guess I defined death as being revealed as insufficient... not being enough... being inadequate. That was death to me. The opposite of this is what I've functionally pursued as life... the praise of man.

Stirred by what scripture calls, “life.” John 17 calls it knowing God. Man, I think I'm actually tired of striving so hard for my inaccurate version of “life.” It can't truly be life. Ready for much more. Longing for real life.

Clumsy

This is me, (Kelly.) I am clumsy. This weekend I spent a lot of time dancing with the kids. Some of the dancing was crazy some of it was worshipful. Yesterday was the Sabbath. We had music crankin' in our house, and Buddy, Emmiline, Eloise and I were dancing.

The girls were watching and imitating my motions. I am not the most graceful dancer. Most of the time I look crazy and awkward, but I am learning what it means to express my love through dance...it wouldn't look pretty to you, but the One who is teaching me is blessed by my two left feet. Yesterday, with my little peeps participating alongside....I am feeling the music....I have life and energy...I am singing...I am enjoying and then.....I jam my thumb right into my eye. Man, that hurt! I wanted to cry but didn't think that would really help. I thought about laughing, but I was simply in too much pain. My mind wondered what people were going to think as I thought I really might end up with a swollen eye. My babes were really caring and sweet. They were genuinely concerned Honestly, I can't believe they didn't bust out laughing. I know it had to have looked hysterical.

The picture that my Rocky Balboa eye painted for me is that even when I am desiring to walk with the Lord with all my heart... it's still a bit clumsy. I do a few graceful moves...only by His leading... and then, I stumble. I sense that I have mastered a few steps, and then I forget a motion. I glide and then trip. It is a cycle I will not escape until heaven.

Today, as I really ponder my clumsy, Christian walk I am thankful for the One who never asked for me to “do it” perfectly. He just invites me to bring my heart, ready to dance, and when I accidentally puncture myself, He reminds me that needing Him to help me brings Him equal delight as the dancing itself.

Contradiction

Well, today was our third Sunday without a church. Still quite weird. Still not liking it. We’ve begun the process of researching churches. That’s not something I ever thought I’d do unless it was for employment opportunities.

We had “church” on the back porch this morning. Really enjoying those times, but really missing the body of believers. I was able to enjoy an extremely sweet gift of witnessing a precious loved one be baptized today. Man, God is good.

Tomorrow I’m attending Larry Crabb’s “School of Spiritual Direction.” I’m really excited about this opportunity. God has used Crabb’s books to stir in my heart and mind since I started full-time ministry a long time ago. I’m anticipating God to stir and reveal… and, Lord-willing, heal in many ways. The whole story of how I got into this school is nothing short of God’s divine workings. At the same time I feel a deep sadness about the time away from my family. All of our hearts are extra fragile right now. I held Eloise for a long time tonight as she cried while processing the time I’ll be away this month. Truly, being away from them brings me great grief.

When I’ve tried to communicate myself in one word over the last year, I’ve had to use the word, “contradiction.” I mean it in more than just the Romans 7 way (doing what I don’t want to do, not doing what I do want to do). My emotions / heart seem to permit me to feel completely opposite feelings simultaneously (i.e., excited and sad about the school). Most of the time lately I’m feeling hopeful and sad. I also find myself feeling frustrated and peaceful.

Not sure what to do with my contradicting emotions… grateful that God’s pushing the scales… meaning, I’m gradually feeling a greater pull and desire to love when it’s extremely difficult. Feeling a little less desire to prove and defend… although that’s still very strong. The question is if I’ll actually love the way He‘s called me to do it…radically.

Seems I’m usually my own worst enemy. Between my mind and my pride… well, it’s a tough battle. My heart wants to love better, but my mind tries to convince me that it’s okay to just disengage. My mind tells me I have a right to that. My heart’s right, but sometimes it feels weaker between the two. Again, contradicting...

Screaming

Today Charli decided to scream and squawk quite a bit. If you don’t know the story of Charli, the abbreviated version is…she is a triplet. Her identical twin brothers are with Jesus. They all arrived far too early. Miracle after miracle… and Charli’s here. Her journey has been marked with great struggle. When born, she weighed 1 lb. and 9 oz.

Anyways, like I said, today she screamed a lot. Nothing was wrong. She was trying to say, “I don’t like how things are right now. I’d like to be held, and I’m very tired.” That’s what she said. I understand her little baby talk. However, what her screams and squawks communicated to me were something very different. They communicated to me that she has become very strong and healthy. Very sickly babies are not able to scream and squawk. We’ll just say she’s got some volume these days. She’s getting much stronger. Not only that, but she has also become very opinionated. That must come from her mom‘s side of the family. Because her screams communicate that she’s so much stronger now, sometimes I almost enjoy them… sometimes.

Do you see how what she said was different than what she communicated? This afternoon and then later tonight I had an interesting conversation with Kelly about a podcast sermon we had both listened to… let’s just say that what I said about the sermon involved scripture and analysis. However, what was communicated was, “Adam is overly critical. He’s often unable to glean the good that can be gleaned because his arrogance is so deafening.” That’s what was communicated.

At the end of the conversation Kel asked me, “What is your heart communicating right now?” Again, not what am I saying, but what is it communicating. (maybe you’ve heard me say the worn out cliché, “communication is not what’s said, but what’s heard”). Well, I think my heart is communicating, “Help.” Feeling pretty powerless these days. Seems lack of control has a way of weakening pride. Again, not necessarily a fun thing, but it’s a really good thing.

I wonder what other things I’m communicating as I scream and squawk.

Highlights

Well, no deep thoughts for the day. Nothing new going on in my head or life. Nothing real deep happening within me. Seems sometimes I enjoy the shallow living. No new news of something on the horizon; however, I have had a few thoughts bouncing around in my big, empty head for the last few days. They’re thoughts from a book that I read, but unfortunately I don’t really remember much of anything that I read in it. Kelly’s reading it now, and I’m just enjoying what she’s highlighted. It’s a little like flipping through a book when you’re little… hoping to find some pictures. I’m attending Larry Crabb’s “School of Spiritual Direction” next week, and I’m trying to finish the last required reading before I show up. (I just re-read what I had written… notice how I had to make sure you knew that I read - as opposed to just looking at the “highlighted areas” / pictures. I don’t like that about myself… I’ll call it “reading righteousness.” I felt like I must have it… pretty gross.)

Anyways, the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head…God never stops doing us good. He is doing us good right now. I mean more than constantly sustaining and preserving us. He offers us the highest good…an encounter with Himself.

To avoid the typical pastor game of quoting authors and books I‘m just going to quote without sourcing… “Seems we dream lower dreams and think there are none higher. We dream of good marriages, talented kids, enough health and money to enjoy life, rewarding work, and an opportunity to make a difference in the world.” Man, those are all really good things, and I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming of lower things like these as if they were the highest of things. The truth is that He is so much better than any of these things.

I’m really hoping and praying that He is in the process of changing my appetites for lesser things into a greater desire for Him.

See Me

Today has been a good day. I told Adam that life had been pretty hectic lately and it would be a blessing if we could make today feel special. We spent some time talking about what that might look like. He asked me what I was hoping for. My reply was simple. I just want to do something that makes today feel different. We landed on taking our family swimming. To most of you this is not a big deal but keep in mind our entire summer last year was spent at the NICU at UT. Our girls have been dying for swim time with their daddy. So, today, we did the pool…all day (one of the perks of having an unemployed husband, I guess). Today, I’ll take it.

We had a fun, unhurried time. I am not super familiar with “unhurried.” I always feel pressured to be doing…..always. By nature and by choice I strive, and I clamor. Partly, because I am a wife and mother of four, and if I am being really honest, the other part is due to the fact that I long to have something to offer. I don’t feel that these qualities reflect my Creator, but, today, they do reflect me. As I was swimming I had an encounter with an adorable little girl. She couldn’t have been any more than eleven. She was kind and seemed to want to chat. She told me she was on the swim team and even showed me some of her strokes. She was a young expert, seriously, she was so fast and graceful. I enjoyed watching her gift. When she swam back my way I praised her for how talented she was. Her reply was “oh, that was just me taking it easy.” I continued to encourage her, but my heart wrestled as I saw myself in her. She so wanted something really beautiful to offer so much so that she couldn’t rest in how gifted she truly was. She, like me, was striving and clamoring and asking “do you see me, does my offering have any beauty?”
When we came home, my husband received an encouraging word from some dear parents of one of our students. The letter spoke volumes as they simply communicated how they had been blessed by Adam. They named ways that their family had been ministered to. He shared with me what a blessing to be seen by them, and enjoy his God-given abilities. His response was “they got me.” I think we all have a deep ache to be seen.

This morning I sensed the Lord’s delight in me. I had been thinking and praying about how I might best honor Him in the midst of some tricky relationships. I am comfortable choosing my flesh as my guide, but I am also tired of it. I long to be Spirit-driven. I think the Lord is moving me in this direction. I am a slow learner, but He is a tender teacher. He gave me visions of how He would want me to love. He spoke, I wrestled, He revealed, I confessed my struggle, He met me there and my heart and eyes were opened, I released my sinful flesh (for the moment) and accepted the offer to be a daughter after her Father’s heart. In doing so, I felt my grip on “my will” loosen and a freedom to wait expectantly with open hands.

I am excited about being a partner in His ministry. My heart becomes alive when it feels it has something valuable to offer. I am not really sure that I have felt that in a long time. Today, El Roi, The God who see’s me, reassured my needy heart that I am seen by Him, and my costly offering is not only acceptable but beautiful. Five minutes from now I will most likely return to the comfort of clamoring and striving, but I have enjoyed a much needed break from that today. It’s funny, when we accept the invitation to simply rest in His delight for us the need to impress everyone else just doesn’t seem to matter as much. What a gift. Please pray that I will continue on this path. Along with many other things, I struggle with forgetfulness.

My Last Day...and sorry

Well, yesterday was my last official day at the church. I packed up what was left in my office. I worked on last minute administrative type things…you know, just the typical. The really strange thing was that something happened in the middle of this stuff. God used one of my friends to drastically raise my self-awareness. I say that meaning as I talked with a friend of mine…well, God stirred something in me.

The stirring could be described as healthy… which normally means painful. Suddenly I had a greater awareness of how self-absorbed I have been lately (not that I’m not self-absorbed all the time). It hit me so hard… I did lose my job. I did lose many sweet relationships; however, I have friends and family undergoing deep struggles of much greater magnitude!!! Meanwhile, I’ve been locked in on my own situation to the detriment of people I truly love. In the midst of my struggles I have not cared for friends and family who are going through extremely painful relational struggles, going through deep anger with God… family who have a precious child who has been in the hospital with little to no understanding of what is wrong with their child.
All I can say is… I’m sorry. I’m grateful for the perspective shift. I hope it lasts.

This changed the way leaving my office felt… (and by “office” I mean a large windowless closet that I became quite fond of). Before I walked out of my office for the last time, I must have looked in the Trapper Keeper version of my planner 20 times. Many of you know of my obsessive compulsive issues. The “to do” list never changed those twenty times I looked at it, but for some reason I felt really frantic to repeatedly check over it.

I stood up…walked to the door. As I exhaled, I whispered, “Thank you, God.” I think I really meant it. That was nice. I clutched my freakishly large sombrero in my hand (it was mounted to the wall as a candy-holding container). I left. I’ll miss Fellowship.

I actually went out to eat by myself. Of course, on the rare instance that I do go out to eat by myself, the restaurant was packed with people…which drew more attention to the fact that I was alone. I spent some time with an author who feels more like a friend. Surprisingly, my mind felt very clear and free. I deeply enjoyed reading. The unhurried pace for that hour blessed my heart and mind. It was so nice (and strange) to think clearly.

Seems perspective is something I lose so quickly. After Lincoln and Tucker died I felt like I had the most accurate perspective on life. The scales had been removed from my eyes, and I could truly see. The things that really mattered were so clear. The unnecessary and unimportant actually appeared unnecessary and unimportant… rather than “urgent.” I remember being afraid that I would lose that perspective. Unfortunately, I did lose much of it. I did get caught up again in less important things. I did make the subordinate the primary…maybe not quite as much as I did before I lost my boys. After the perspective shift I received yesterday, I wonder how to go about not drifting back into my normal ways and normal thought processes. The Spirit inside me screams, “you must pay more careful attention to what you have heard / learned, so that you do not drift away!” That’s the Adam Vaughan version of Hebrews 2:1. Truth has been my greatest weapon in guarding my heart and my greatest encouragement in stirring hope.