sometimes you just have to get your face down in it

Last night, after Pastor got his e-mail.  I felt drained....so thinking we would have a definite answer....so wanting a YES!  I am woman that likes details...are we moving?  Do we need to sell a house?  Will we be here to enjoy our fall garden or trick-or treating?  God continues to issue the call to be present and wait....grrrrr!  His ways are not mine...mostly thankful and sometimes irritated.

Last night God reminded me of some some truths He has been depositing in me.  It is a passage in Hebrews 10.  The verses remind us that in a little while He is coming and He will not delay.  The righteous shall live by FAITH...we are not to SHRINK BACK, we are to persevere.....I am called to be a woman that  DOES NOT SHRINK BACK.  I needed that last night.  I needed it even more this morning as I shared hard heart talks with my sister-in law.

This morning we finally got word from the doctors regarding my niece's surgery.  She has tumors in her brain and on her spine.  As we shared tears I felt the urgency to remember the scriptures....to remember the late night truth of Hebrews.  We do not shrink back.  We HOPE....we persevere....we cry, and we CRY OUT for miracles...because our God is a WAYMAKER....Jehovah Rapha is His name.  I love this God....and HE deeply loves His people.  So, today....I am reminded as we enter in to another time of change... He desires for me to look for FRUIT in all seasons.

He wants me to remember past provisions...and trust for future ones....Jehovah Jireh.

He calls me to be a woman of courage and tenderly invites me to plunge into the waters in order to grasp the fruit of each new season.

I don't want to shrink back so I pull my hair up.....take a breath....wildly abandon myself to my Maker, and I put my face right down in it.  It's cold.  It's unknown, it feels suffocating...but I DON'T WANT TO SHRINK BACK because of fear.  I press in deeper...I press in harder...I fight to HOPE expectantly...TRUSTING... KNOWING .... CERTAIN.... in my breathlessness.... that....

He who promises is FAITHFUL....all the time.  Swallowing hard as I type....eyes that want to pour heart out all over the place.  I am still very much me and alive and so I wrestle with fear....fear regarding our future and fear regarding my sweet, 5 year old, princess-niece, Elaina.  I will call and cry out to my Daddy that grows fruit and restores what the locusts have eaten.  He can be trusted.  I am not my own.  I have been bought with a price.  My story is His to tell, and yet He invites me to co-author with Him...dream alongside.  Today, I am remembering.  I am getting prepared for battle.  I will warrior for my niece....my family....not because it's of me....but because it's of HIM, and His fruit bearing seed is alive and growing in me.

My face is down in it today.....DEEP.....Truth....Hope....A perfect-loving Daddy...a heart full of passionate desire....The Spirit....miracles longed for....and PERSEVERANCE ....these are things that are budding on my fruit tree....with watermarks and tears all over my face.

An Email Today

I know it might sound crazy, but this kind of waiting has been so exhausting. Seems strange I'm sure, but it is really draining. Hard to describe. Anyways, got an email today from my friends in Ohio. Before I get to that, I'm still wrestling with the question I keep asking God, “What are you up to in the midst of my waiting?” Mentioned a few thoughts in my blog yesterday.

Sensing that God's wanting me to accept whatever happens as His will. Sensing He has more in store for me in the process. Sensing He prefers to do things in a manner much different than I'd initially choose. Okay, “sensing,” is definitely an understatement for the last one.

Back to the email... well, the pastor who has conducted almost all of the interview (who Kel and I love already), has communicated that the Senior Pastor would like to meet with me again... face to face. All I know is that we'll meet somewhere between Knoxville and Dayton, Ohio.

So glad to have received an email. Not what I had expected. I assumed a definitive one way or the other. Extremely grateful that it was not an unfavorable definitive. The Senior Pastor has a several more questions. Part of me feels very encouraged that they want to continue the process with me. Another part of me questions myself, “Did I underwhelm him? Does he have some major concerns?” Either way, glad he's really making sure that the fit is right.

Still waiting. Grateful a few more logs were thrown on the flames of hope.  

Excruciating

Waiting. No word from my friends in Ohio. Man, it's been hard to wait today. Monday wasn't too bad. Tuesday was very bearable, but for some reason today has been very hard. Alright, I'll be more honest. It's been excruciating.

This is what I looked at countless times today.

I've been known to have some obsessive compulsive issues with my email and my planner. We'll just say that I was constantly looking at the computer today... constantly checking email. It felt like old times. At one point I began to think that there must be some problem with my email account. I sent myself an email (just to make sure it was working properly). Gmail was working just fine. Big surprise.

Been asking God, “What are you saying to me? What am I supposed to learn through this waiting?” It's definitely revealing to a greater extent how much I'd like to have the opportunity to serve at this church. Is that all I'm supposed to learn?

I've also had the song, “While I'm Waiting,” stuck in my brain today. Basically the song speaks of waiting... even though it can be painful. It's not easy. Trying to remain hopeful. In the meantime, while we're waiting, we should worship and serve. Good words for me to hear.

Thinking a lot about perspective today. I read about a woman whose young daughter took a lot of pictures of household items from the mom's camera. When the mom looked at the pictures, it took her a minute to make sense of them. The objects in the pictures were not foreign to her, but the vantage point from which they were taken was so drastically different. Her daughter was a little over 3 feet tall. The daughter's angle was unfamiliar... even captivating.

Grateful for a different perspective on life, on employment, on family, on moving... My mind wonders to the desperately impoverished Christians living in the dump (literally) in Tijuana. Their hearts overflow with gratitude and joy. It's a different perspective. It's a different vantage point... much like the little girl with the camera had a different vantage point. Joy seems to come more easily from this vantage point. Seems I find myself envious of those people at times.

Learning from a new vantage point these days. Longing. Still grateful.

I'd still like to be done waiting though.  

savoring the now

As I type this I am sitting listening to the sounds of nature on my Dad's back porch.  The roofers next door were prayed into a lunch break by yours truly, and peace is everywhere.  The chimes are lightly sounding, and I am thankful for this unhurried moment.  We are in a season where our lives are full of constant change and more is certainly on it's way.  I close my eyes and I savor the now....for in a moment the now with be then.

I got lessons on savoring the sweetness of the moment this past Sabbath.  I took a cue from a woman I respect and made freshly-milled, whole wheat cinnamon rolls for the tiny people that live in my house.  I do not make them often so it was a real treat.  My kitchen was all abuzz with excitement.....thank you's and giggles were in excess.  I smiled and savored the joy I was imparting.

Children have the gift of excitement....they have no problem celebrating the moment....they fully engage in delight.

First bites of the sweet are often the best......but.....

the reminders of goodness that come with the following bites are....

worthy of savoring....and invite us to more!

The princesses enjoy theirs too.....smiling....mmmm'ing....it's a good momma moment....and I smile too.

  Lu makes sure I see her enjoying...licking her sticky, icing fingers...more savoring.

Shorty, forgetting anyone else is around just dives right in....peeling away and savoring the layers. She cares little about the evidence of delight all over her face.  It's a gift to be able to risk delighting in ways that others can't help but notice.

And, just when I think the time on the delight clock has run out...I peek over my shoulder to see my oldest princess still in the school of savoring.  She is at the sink "washing" her breakfast dish with her finger and tongue...enjoying every last remnant of the moment before.

Most of my minutes, days and hours are spent wondering what is coming and planning for that.  I forget to be blessed in the now.  I have a lot to learn about the art of savoring....moments fade so quickly...even now, the roofers have returned, and my silence has been replaced by the echoing of hammers hitting rooftops.  There will always be change...and so I must learn how how to savor in its midst.  

I speak from my heart when I say I do not know what tomorrow holds, and this has been known to shake me, but I don't want to miss the beauty of now because I am spending it calculating instead of savoring.  Right now, I am going to enjoy my view.

I am going to enjoy some semi-quiet freedom and the picture before me of my Pastor doing some savoring of his own.....

us...learning....experiencing....and SAVORING...together.....thankful!

Scared of the Dark

As some of you know my brother-in-law and I ran in the Warrior Dash last Saturday. You may not have any clue what that is. Well, it's a little like a giant playground spread out throughout a race... basically, it's a mud run with some large obstacles. So much fun. Felt like play.

Anyways, one obstacle was clearly the easiest obstacle on the course (there were 12 total). “Easiest” in terms of being the least physically demanding. Yet, this is the obstacle that I really considered not doing. I wasn't worried about it effecting my time. I didn't care about my time in the race.

The obstacle was called, “Blackout.” It consisted of a very large black tarp-like tent. Inside this tent were large, black flaps or sheets of tarp that hung down. The result was complete darkness... I mean complete darkness. No flicker. No tiny speck of light to aim toward at the other side. Could not see anything. At the same time there is a stampede of large, sweaty bodies trying to crawl through this tent with little regard to fellow competitors.

There was much more of a stampede when I entered the "Blackout."

Obviously, this is the exit

Something about being in the complete darkness started to freak me out. I mentally had to talk myself into it. It wasn't easy for me. I've thought about that some lately.

From the time I was a little kid throughout much of my adult life I used to have a recurring dream. I would be in the dark. I'd reach for the lightswitch, flip it, and... nothing happened. The lights would not turn on. Then terror would set in... as if I knew something bad was about to happen.

I've always had a strange fascination with flashlights. Hard to explain. It's a weird fetish, but I love flashlights. When I got my headlamp for backpacking, I thought I had purchased the greatest thing on the planet. There's obviously some connection between my strong affections towards flashlights and my dislike of complete darkness.

Let me interrupt this to say that I am not a person full of fear. When I hear a noise in the middle of the night, I usually put a pillow over my head. If it persists, the only weapon I have to check it out is a flashlight... no assault rifle under my bed... no tactical 12 gauge. Under my bed I used to have an old Louisville slugger bat I used when I played baseball in the first grade, but I'm not sure where I put that thing. Not worried about “bad guys.” Today when I came home and realized we had left two of our doors completely unlocked while we were gone... well, I didn't think anything of it. Still, seems I've had an aversion to the dark.

I think there is much correlation to struggles with “dark.” It's hard to know what to do, where to do when you're in complete darkness. Now I'm referring to the “dark” not so much as the absence of light, but I'm meaning the unknown, what cannot be seen or calculated, the unplanned, the scary... I think that is the real fear.  I think I've always carried a fear of that. I've always liked being able to plan things out. Feel like I've been blindly feeling around in some ways lately. Not positive, but think that fear might be losing some of its grip on me.  Will still keep a flashlight close by though.

Hodge Podge

Why “Hodge Podge?” Well, I watched the Great Food Truck Road Race tonight with Kel. The team that won tonight calls themselves, “Hodge Podge.” Have a feeling that tonight's ramblings will be a hodge podge of random, unrelated thoughts.

Not sure how you're viewing this image, but if you're able... please zoom in on my brother-in-law's face.  It's so worth it.

First off, I had an absolute blast at the Warrior Dash yesterday. So much fun. As you look at this picture, if you're able to draw your eyes away from my brother-in-law's game face (he didn't know he was being photographed... he was that determined!)... anyways, if you can look away from his face, you can see we were covered in mud and muck. Even after the awkward rinse off with a few dozen strangers and a shower when I got home, I still found traces of the warrior dash crusted to my body.

In the same way this afternoon I found some ugly crust that I hadn't thought about in a long, long time. Healing came this afternoon. The “crust” was hard places in my heart toward someone I barely know any more. I became aware of how I had harbored dislike... and even frustration. Encouraged that I feel like that was somehow washed away today.

The other main thought on my mind tonight has to do with son, Elliott. Instead of calling him, “Little Buddy,” which makes sense since I'm, “Big Buddy,” he likes for us both to be, “Big Buddy.” It makes perfect sense in his mind. So, my big Buddy is my best bud. At the same time sometimes he relentless and unceasingly shoots his assault rifle at me... what I mean by that is his barage of questions never stops. Some of you might not believe that he can even talk, but believe me... he never stops talking. I love to read him books (b/c he loves books), but he's asking so many questions about each picture that I can't even make it through a sentence without at least a couple questions.

Even if I've given him an answer to a question he will continue to ask that same question... whether he likes the answer or not. He just enjoys talking. Below is a picture taken after he asks a questions I hear every morning, “Daddy, can I have a sip of your juice?”

When I go in to check on Elliott late at night, he often still blasts me with questions (when he should be sleeping). Last night when I went in there around 10pm he asked the following questions: “Daddy, are the lightning bugs out? Can I go see them? Are they changing colors? Why are they changing colors? Do they make noise? Where are they? Why? How? When can I see them?” I had just planned on making sure he was covered up... maybe kissing him on his sweet head while he slept. Somehow he hadn't emptied the question bank for the night.

That has me thinking a little tonight. The church position I've mentioned in the past... the one in Ohio that I've interviewed at... well, they had another candidate visit them this weekend. He left today. Feels rather strange... especially since I'd really like to be offered the position. As I think about that position and the future of my family, I have talked to God quite a bit. However, I really haven't asked many questions. I don't ask God that many questions at all. Sounds crazy since He is all-knowing after all... and He's good. Instead, as I've reflected on my conversations with Him, I've mostly just given polite commands. “Lord, please lead... provide direction,... speak,..” etc. Pretty insane that I haven't asked more questions.

Painfully curious about the Lord's plans for my family and I. Many questions tonight. Hoping for some closure on a few this week. Anticipating He'll reveal more crust and gunk on me and in me through the process.

fold out couch

Last night Pastor and I slept in separate beds.  It was by choice.  He slept in the bonus room, and I slept in our bed.  Before your blood pressure rises we were not fighting, and I did not kick him out of our space.  He has been prepping for a special-man race and had to get up SUPER early.  I am a light sleeper so he sweetly volunteered to sleep on the couch so I could rest well.

Unfortunately, I didn't rest well.  It was a terrible night of non-sleeping.  There are a lot of reasons I feel I didn't sleep.  The main reason I believe has to do with the fact that Pastor and I had tough conversations before I hit the sack.....never a good idea....

refiners fire = little sleep

I won't waste your time on all the in-betweens...and I won't try to paint false pictures....truth is...I am impatient, cranky, prideful and irritable when it comes to the husband of my youth.  These last couple of years have been so intense for us.  We are closer than ever which makes my desire for good fruit stronger than ever.  I have moments, in my immaturity, where I would like to punish him or withdraw because I feel like he is slowing me down and not getting with "my program."  Last night, as I discussed truth with the Lord, He reminded me that we are ONE.  We are ONE.  I wouldn't just say to a body part of mine..."you are so annoying," "you keep getting in my way," "I think I will just try and do things without you."  No, I would nurture the struggling part until it was stronger, because I realize how much I need it to function.  God gave me Pastor because I need him to be all that He has created me to be.  He is a part of me and I am a part of him....for better or worse.

He is a warrior for me, and I must choose to celebrate our differences.

Marriage is hard.  It is.  I love it.  I wouldn't do my life any other way, but it is frustrating.  This whole dying to self and esteeming the other is really tricky, and I would say in general I normally get a failing grade...so thankful God's doesn't do report cards.  I think the main truth...the hard truth is that I don't like the filth it stirs up in me.

If I am being obedient to my Father, I step into the muck, I smell the stink, I work at the mess, and I seek help without hiding.  Obedience is hard....I want it.... but without cost....doesn't work that way.

I am not looking for a medal, but I am looking for a stamp on my heart and life that says I reflect my Papa and my Good Pastor.....very costly....

Today, I continue to talk to my Daddy about what HIS best is for me....how can I honor HIM most.  I don't want to keep tripping over myself, but I have some big, stinky feet.

At this moment I am enjoying some of the many good fruits my marriage has brought me....

cuddly children on a Saturday morning...no hurry...no rush...all cozied up on Pastor's pull out bed.  Remembering that blessings can come from fold-out couches, wrestling with mud...and Daughters that see their struggles and fight the urge to dash.