Another Sabbath

In reverse order… a little about our Sabbath day.  Well, tonight Kel gave me such an incredible gift.  You might have heard that Kel has given me a new name.  If you haven’t heard about this, it might sound strange initially.  If you remember from scripture (both Old and New Testaments), God often renamed people.  The new name better communicated the character and nature of that person.  All believers will receive a new name when they come face to face with Christ again.  Anyways, through what we call, “prophetic words,” spoken by Emmiline, Kel gave me the name, “Good Pastor.”  Below is the picture Kel had printed for me in 2 foot by 3 foot size.

You can see the words on their feet.  Obviously, this really means so much to me.  When I call Kel on the phone, she often refers to me by this new name.  After I lost my job, someone asked me what I did.  It’s a pretty standard question.  Trying to decide how much of an answer this person would really like to hear, I initially paused for a second before responding.  Before I could say anything Kelly said, “You’re a pastor.”  There was much power in that for me.  It was the reminder that God has called me to be a pastor.  Not sure what my next job might be, but I might not have the title of “pastor.”  Regardless of what I will do, I am resting in the fact that I will be a pastor that’s doing it… it doesn’t matter what the job title is.  It was a good reminder of quote I recently read.  “There’s no secular employment for the Christian.”

This morning I was sharing with my family from the book of Acts.  We were talking about the early church… mostly about what they were committed to and what that actually meant.  We went through a passage phrase by phrase.  I’d ask them to explain to me what each portion of scripture meant.  Elliott so desperately wanted to be involved in the discussion.  I think I was talking about the passage that told us how the believers sold their possessions to help those I need.  I started asking them what that meant.  I took notes of what the early church lived and of what my kids said.  Below is Elliott listening and truly contributing…

When I asked one question, Elliott responded, “It means that the Holy Spirit will take care of us.”  Elliott’s 3 years old!  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I asked the others if they heard what he had just said.  They confirmed that he really said that.  Without hesitating I wrote it down… as if I might forget it… obviously, I wouldn’t forget, but I wasn’t sure what to do with such powerful words.

Psalm 8 popped into my head immediately… saying, “From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise.”

No, Elliott’s not repeating something that he has heard us say.  All I can say is I’m taking his words as a reminder of truth… taking his words as encouragement.  Grateful for them.  God allowed Elliott to speak truth.  I believe that’s prophetic.

today

Where am I?  Really?  I (Kelly) am choosing to have eyes to see what is going on in my own heart right now...

  Today, like yesterday we are a family in waiting.  Waiting and learning.  Attempting to learn ALL that God has for us in this season of uncertainty.  Uncertain to us...not uncertain to God.  Learning is hard work.  It's exhausting. 

It is accompanied by many fears, bumps, bruises, and reminders of scars from past falling.  We take a few steps....we see progress...we hunger for more motion....life...we fall...we return to fear...we sit...we play with the idea that walking is just too dangerous....crawling is safe.  Crawling we can do.  Crawling allows us to move in safety without hurting ourselves.  It allows motion without major risk or cost.  Today, we like Charli, are growing restless with crawling. 

This picture...Charli's face... screams my heart....."I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO....I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS....I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE....WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PICK ME UP AND MOVE ME OUT OF THIS MESS?"  Today, I am sitting on the floor.  Trying not to give up!

I am asking The Father....to reassure this infant heart.  I am asking for Him to teach.  I am asking Him to sturdy these wobbly knees.  I am asking Him to show me where to walk.  I am asking him for courage to trust.  

Today, and everyday I need Him to whisper that He is near.  That He is helping.  I need His tender touch.  His gentle reminders....His coaching... His reassurance....His instructions...His truth...HIM! I need Him to be my Daddy....In this He takes great delight.                                                         

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Where am I today????  I am weary of having weak legs.  I am weary of bumps and bruises.  I am dreaming of my walking days, legs strong, eyes set firm on the prize....aware that those days will not be without falls but praying that recovery will be much quicker.  Today,  I am in need of a Sabbath from my fears of fallling and all the unknowns.  I want to bury my head deep in my Daddy's lap and just let Him love on me.  Today,  I just need to be loved on....

Where will I be tomorrow?  I was reminded early this morning that tomorrow will hold many troubles of it's own. But the invitation and call that was issued to our family over two years ago is present today and will not expire tomorrow.....  just as our Charli is having to learn to walk, our entire family must continue to learn to WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT.. 

Authenticity?

My heart and mind have really struggled a lot today.  Seems I’m fairly volatile these days…excited and passionate in a way I’ve never experienced… then I’m feeling deeply sad a few minutes later.  That’s extremely new for me.  I used to be better described as, “steady.”  As I think through what I might share in this blog entry, I have to make sure you know the truth.  Even in my efforts to be authentic and to invite others into authenticity… well, I’m still selective in what I share.  I still get afraid to share everything.

Here goes… today is a day I would characterize as a depressed day in my life.  I said it.  I’m not qualifying it.  I’m not downplaying it or over-reporting it.  I’m not even playing it off with one of those comments that draws the attention off of myself… like, “We all have days like this.”  I just want to own that word today.  It doesn’t feel good to own it, but there is power and freedom in putting to words what we’re feeling.

I don’t seem to have motivation to return phone calls or emails… even to people that deeply love.  I’ve really stunk at this lately, and normally I’m somewhat OCD about returning messages fairly promptly.

I spent quite a bit of time today researching potential employment opportunities.  Not only do I not see anything that looks good… I don’t even see anything that I could do (how good it looks might not matter).  I usually end those times feeling so discouraged and exhausted… somewhat depleted.  Defeated is too strong of a word to use, but the connotations to the word do communicate much of what I’m feeling.

Let me stop mid-confession to share something.  I’m not baiting anyone for a pep talk.  Please do NOT give me a pep talk.  Friends with the sweetest, purest hearts offer such words, but for some reason it either bounces off my interior…, or it frustrates me.  I realize this is not their problem.  That is my issue.  I just want to get that out there.  I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want anyone to try to fix me. 

Anyways, back to the previous rambling… my mind knows that not having a job really is not that big of a deal.  Truly, in the perspective of all things, it is so insignificant.  Especially relative to some of the deep struggles and fears many of my loved ones are undergoing… it’s basically meaningless that I don’t have a job.  I know truth.  It’s what keeps me hoping and excited.  I know I’m not defined by my circumstances, but still struggling today…

As I shared with my three bigger kids some stories from Acts tonight, one thing I made special note of to the kids was when the apostles rejoiced because they were considered worthy to suffer for the name of Christ.  Shorty thought the apostles sounded a little, “Coo Coo” (to use her words).  It made for good dialogue.  Maybe I (or we) are the ones who are “coo coo?”  Or, maybe they were coo coo, and we should be too?

As for me…I know my struggling has way more to do than just a job.  Although I know that struggle really is a gift, seems it’s hard to convince my heart to be grateful for this “gift.”  Allowing little things to rob me of joy… allowing little things to distract me from remembering truth…

Still grateful for truth…  hoping to become more coo coo… like the apostles. 

diggin' beneath the surface

This morning I enjoyed watching our prince "dig for treasure" in his cereal.  He had a treat/junk cereal with marshmallows.  He did what he normally does.  He went straight in for the good stuff.  He LOVES the marshamallowy goodness in Luky Charms and he was willing to dig for it.

I didn't realize when I was enjoying watching him dig that God had a message for me today.  The day has been fine.....nothing to complain about, but I have had a day of wrestling.  I have thought about it a lot.  What is the source of my struggle?  Why am I feeling heavy?  Why am I discouraged.  Was it because every project I seemed to touch failed?  Was it because I was low on energy?  Was it because Pastor told me he was having another interview with the Ohio church????  Why was I feeling so funky???  I think God has been inviting me today to dig....search....seek.  With each passing day I am learning that I have so many layers.  So many confusing shapes to weed through so I can really find what I am looking for.  Today, I am seeking healing for the many broken layers...especially the ones not yet discovered, ones I can't name.....ones I am still digging for.  I am a woman with many hurts, insecurities and fears.  I am also a woman with many passions, convictions and joy.

Today, I had unhurried time with my older princesses.  They are joy-givers, and they are a daily reminder that my life has purpose and value.  Emmiline and Eloise encourage me in ways I cannot express.  By the Spirit's work they issue a call to keep digging.

They remind me that freedom comes from naming.  Naming brings healing.  Healing of their mommy is a gift for the whole Vaughan family.  This will be a lifelong and costly process. 

Today I enjoyed the gift of watching these two ladies freely raise their hands in worship to a United Pursuit song in the back of our car...the words were "Fill  me up, God."  We were all three singing these words with great passion and asking.  Yes, may the Spirit fill us up.  Less of me...more of HIM.



Just like Bud I want to be filled up with the treasure.  I want to taste and see that He is good...always good...and even though the digging is messy I know it is worth it....for HIS treasure is inside ME.



joy

joy in the Vaughan home today....LOTS...precious people...rich conversations...sacred asking....

Shorty and I had a long joy-filled exchange today....cackling fun...thankful

card playing

                                 teasing...cheating.....taunting....play....laughing...laughing...laughing....

Shorty-joy....super contagious and good for my heart

joy blooming from the honor of being asked to share in the sacred

life giving invitations and honor bestowed
THANKFUL

all things

Pastor has issued a call and reminder over our hearts today.  We are to be thankful for ALL THINGS!  We have both had  a lot of struggling moments over the last several hours.  This afternoon I opened the mail and found what our eldest princess has been hoping for... test results.  All of our kids have severe food allergies.  Last week Emmiline and Eloise had blood drawn to see if progress had been made.  They have both been expectant, especially our Emmiline.

I took a deep breath as I began to open the envelope.  I was afraid.  Pastor wouldn't want me telling you this, but he had been praying intensely and fasting for our daughters.  I read Emmiline's first.  It wasn't good news.  Yes, some healing has taken place, but she is still allergic to all the same things...some worse...some better....some healing.  My heart sank.  I shared with Pastor.  Sadness and irritation was aroused in both of us.  We felt broken for Emmiline.  How were we going to share the news with a child that has been asking everyday with excitement if she could check the mail?  Pain stirs up old wounds, and like always I want to run.

Eloise had miraculous results.  She has had almost all the same allergies as her older sister and now is almost completely healed.  She only has one allergy remaining, and it is very minimal.  This is amazing.  This is worth celebrating.  This is worthy of praise and thanksgiving....but, wait.....aren't  Emmiline's results worthy of the same things.  Should my heart not be grateful for both situations? 

Why am I only prompted to thank God when I get what seems owed to me?  I am feeling heavy about this today. 

Pastor shared the results tonight.  I was afraid.  I watched the girls and tried to interject positive reminders...maybe more for me than for Emmiline.  She handled it well.  She has the amazing gift of understanding.  She is a positive thinker....she is also a stuffer.  Pastor and I have and will continue to help her process the disappointment.  Just like in my own life, I have to remember that God is in charge of Emmiline's story.  He is and will use this to shape her.  I can find rest in that if I choose to.  For I know, His love and plans for her are better than mine.  BUT....I am still sad.

As I stand here, typing this, I am recalling confessions to our girls about our own sadness and Pastor's cussing tongue.  I am deep in thought.  Our smalls have needy parents.  They know this.  They know it well.  I am thankful.

We have had a clear opportunity to look for thankfulness today.  God has been teaching Pastor and I that hardship is not a curse to run from, but an opportunity to need God more. I am reminded that when Jesus chose his sidekicks He didn't pick the flashy.   He chose the needy.  I am so thankful that as I remain needy He continues to shape me.    Neediness for Him is something He desires of all his children.

Lord, give me eyes to see, ears to hear and faith to believe that you are always working for our good....always!  And, may I remember to give you thanks in all things....ALL THINGS!

choosing thankfulness, choosing to celebrate any and all healing, learning to rejoice with and for others even when it's costly.

Heavy

Woke up feeling very heavy today.  No, I’m not referring to the extra weight I’m carrying around on my body.  “Heavy” has just been the word describing what’s happening in my heart and mind today.  Strangely enough, when I opened a book I’m reading right now, the first word I saw was the word, “Heavy,” written in bold font.  It was the title of a section called, “Heavy Words.” 

Don’t think that fear is the predominant thought or feeling.  I’m sure it’s there somewhere, but it’s not what I’m discerning at the forefront.  Responsibility seems to be the weight and pressure that I’m carrying today.  Knowing that August has begun seems to change my perspective on the timing / urgency of finding employment and all the benefits that come along with a job.

Below is a picture of Alfonso.  I am not sure if he’s a gerbil, hamster or guinea pig.  They’re all similar to mice and rats to me.  Anyways, we’re babysitting / rat-sitting Alfonso.  Obviously, I haven’t felt any kind of strong affections toward this rodent.  I feel strongly about his owner but not him.  Anyways, I’m not sure why, but my son, Elliott, decided Alfonso needed a new name.  I guess “Alfonso” didn’t capture this critter’s character and nature.  So, he’s now referred to as, “Tex.”  I definitely like that name much better. 

Anyways, feeling a lot like Tex right now.  Sometimes he runs in his wheel… never actually making any progress.  Been running and spinning, trying to be responsible… not really seeing any progress from the toiling.  Sometimes I rest in the running… feeling like I’m trying, which normally feels good (until I see no results).  Sometimes Tex just sits and waits (and occasionally shivers, but I don’t really understand that).  Not sure what he’s waiting for, but he seems to be waiting.  Sometimes I get a strange feeling that I need to wait… even though that makes no sense to me logically.  When I was immediately released from employment (even before I had processed what had happened), I applied for a few jobs.  I didn’t even want any of those jobs.  It was slightly funny (and ironic) how quickly they knew that they didn’t want me either.  Think that God might be telling me something.  Somehow if He is telling me to wait and trust… I feel like I’m compromising the call to be responsible.  It is strange (in a good way) to have a strong sense of Him speaking though. 

Anyways, some days are more difficult than others.  Just having a hard time waiting today…